Why can't you love me for who i am?
by experimentalgirl17
Summary: This is not a Liley femslash but a story of friendship found and lost. How one girl's two worlds collided and she lost the one thing she loved the most. Warning: M rated, Femslash, BDSM
1. Chapter 1

_**First this is not a Liley story. The love of Miley and Lilly is much deeper than that in this story. Second I am using Miley and Lilly to reflect on what happened in my own life and while the names have been changed and the story will do it's best to coincide with the Hannah Montana TV show most of the thoughts and actions are all mine. This is a way for me to vent my sadness and heart break since I don't really have anyone else to vent to.**_

_**Warning - This is M rated due to language and sexual content and adult BDSM content. Don't like then don't read…it really does not matter to me because like I said…I write this for me.**_

_**A special thanks to Karma for listening to me.**_

I don't know if anyone will actually read this journal and I am really writing it for myself…I don't know if I really want anyone to read this journal. I am writing it for myself to try and understand who I am. I know who I became and thought and wanted that person to be who I am right now, but I recently started having my doubts but I don't know if I can change who I have become or if I really want to. Why do I have my doubts? Because two of my worlds finally combined, two that I tried to keep apart, two that I never wanted to meet, but now they have and when they met they crashed together like the perfect storm. A storm filled with love, anger, hate, and the loss of someone I loved more than anything in this world.

My name is Miley Stewart. I am now 19 years old and a sophomore in college. I exist in my universe that consists of three worlds. The first is my Hannah Montana world. In that world I am the bomb, the shit, the super pop star…or so I have been told by people. Me? I don't think I am that great but hey who am I to argue. That world stopped rotating when I was 16 and put Hannah to rest for a while. That world never really made me happy….oh I enjoyed being Hannah and the attention I got and the confidence she gave me, but that world was never the true me. My second world I am Miley Stewart...the awkward high school student and now college student. Miley sucks at sports, was never that popular, awkward and clumsy at times, attractive but never had the self assurance to see her as anything but vaguely cute. Hell Miley tried out for cheerleading one time and became the school mascot. She never had any true friends but one and she was teased and picked on during her high school years. The only good thing in Miley's life was her best friend…Lillian Truscott.

Lilly…now she is the bomb, the shit, the greatest person alive in Miley's universe. She is popular, so beautiful, sexy, captain of the high school girl's soccer team, volleyball team, basketball team, and field hockey team. Lilly is who every girl (and I suspect some boys) at our high school wanted to be. And the best part about her is that she loves me…she chose me as her best friend. The picked on, ridiculed, teased girl, the awkward and clumsy girl became who Lilly wanted to be as her best friend when she could have had her pick of anyone in the school. She became the person I loved most in my life even over my own family, the person I would do anything for including give up my own life for, and the person who from the first day I met her was my protector…my savior…my own personal goddess. She was even cool with me when I told her I was attracted to girls…to her it did not matter…she loved me and I loved her. My love for her was not that romantic love, even if I did try at times and she would just laugh it off in her kind and caring way, no our love was deeper…so much deeper than that fairy tale romantic love that has been denied me…a love I really don't know if it exists. I have been "in love" before…or thought it was…with one person but she never loved me back. Her agenda for our relationship was different…some will call "sick" or "unhealthy" but I didn't…that relationship was my third world. This Miley world where I am the awkward, unpopular girl was never my true world either. The only good thing in that world that was real was my friend…my very best friend who I love, adore, and look up to…the girl who made me happy in this world. I was needy of Lilly's love…so needy of her and so selfish of her. I did not want to share her love with anyone or anything.

My third world is my true world…where the true Miley lives and plays. Like the Hannah world I keep this true Miley secret from my other two lives. I am not ashamed of myself in this world…actually just the opposite. In this world I am proud of what I have become and who I am. In this world I am Miley…the submissive, the pet, the slave to the whims of my mistress or others who dominant me…in this world I am my true self and my body and mind are not mine to control…my life is not mine to control. In this world I gladly put my body, mind, and life in the hands of others to control. Outsiders looking into this world may call me a freak, a whore, a slut, think I have mental problems, and call me a pain slut. Besides the last none of it is true. I am not a freak, not a whore, not a slut, and have a very stable mind. But yes I am a pain slut (although I do not like that term myself) and I get off on the pain. I enjoy the pain. To me pain brings the greatest pleasure…to me pain is like the double edged sword. One edge is the hurtful edge; the edge that make me scream out and whimper in pain. The other edge of the sword is the edge that contains the pleasure, the need, the craving of what the pain gives me. That is the edge I desire and crave…the edge I am addicted to and like any addict if left to my own devices I would overdoes on the "drug" my body craves. I would never say stop…never end the pain. I need someone to control that pain, to make the choice for me when enough is enough, and to control how much I get. This is the true me…the girl who craves serving a dominant mistress, to be humiliated, to do what ever my mistress desires of me, to give my body, mind, and soul to for her control. I would include my heart but no dominant I know had ever tried to claim my heart…they never wanted my heart. I would have given it to HER…the first…the one who showed me who I am and trained me to be the perfect pet, but she did not want it as much as I would have begged her to take it. It was my body and mind and soul she cared about. To her I had no heart. I did not blame her…how could I; it was not my place to ever question her and she never lied to me. She was always honest in what she wanted. No…it was my fault for thinking I was worthy and deserving of her love…something I was not and never could be.

Then one terrible night two of my three worlds collided like that perfect storm. Two worlds I tried so hard to keep apart…to never meet. That was when my life seemed to crash and it was never the same. The events after that horrible meeting of those worlds caused me to doubt myself…to doubt who I was for the first time. That horrible meeting caused me to lose the greatest thing in my life…it made me lose my protector, my savior, my own personal goddess….my best friend Lilly Truscott. This is the story of how we met, how I became who I am, and how I lost what was the most important thing to me.


	2. Chapter 2

I first met Lilly Truscott when we were both twelve. My dad, brother and I moved to Malibu, California for my career as Hannah Montana which was taking off and also to escape our past…the past that was my beautiful mother dying. I also wanted a normal life as well so my dad and I agreed to keep Hannah a secret and my everyday life would be that or Miley Stewart. I was suddenly regretting my choice on the first day at my new school. I was way out of my class at Seaview Middle School. I was the new girl, the outsider, the odd freak with a southern accent. I was fresh meat for the rich snobs and their cruel torments. I was always awkward as Miley Stewart and had yet to get an understanding of my now developing body. I was clumsy and shy and afraid. The worse part of my first day came at lunch but ended up leading to the best day of my life. The day I became friends with Lilly Truscott.

I was sitting alone at the table wishing my brother Jackson was still in middle school and not in high school when I saw a group of kids coming my way being led by two very pretty but mean looking girls. I remembered them from home room and some of my classes…Ashley and Amber. I did not remember their last names nor did I want to. I suddenly focused on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich I brought from home praying they were not headed my way. They say God answers all prays…if he does then he answered mine no that day.

"Well look who we have here…they hillbilly girl from Kentucky." The black girl sneered…Amber…yeah she was Amber.

"I…I…am from Tennessee." I managed to squeak out weakly and the fear in my voice was evident.

"Same difference…you are still a hillbilly…hell you talk like one. I can hardly understand you." She laughed and so did her partner in the torment I knew was to come.

"Please…just…just leave me alone." I said not looking up.

"Leave me alone," She mocked my accent making it sound worse than it was, "I heard you have a brother, farm girl, are you going to marry him when you turn thirteen? That's what you hillbillies do right, marry your kin folk." Again that drew laughs from the others.

"P…P…Please…I…I didn't do anything to y'all. Just leave me alone." Tears start to build in my eyes.

Amber laughed at this, "Y'all? What the hell is a y'all, you inbred hillbilly."

"Just…just go away." Now I am crying. I was never very strong especially with someone verbally abusing me.

"Awww…the hick is crying now." The girl Ashley said. I glance at her and thought how could someone so pretty be so mean. "What's the matter, Miley is it? That is a stupid name! Are you sad, Miley? Are we being to mean to you? You are pathetic, you stupid hick slut."

By this time I was really crying as I heard the two girls and their group of popular kids laughing at my tears. I just wanted to go home…to go back to Tennessee where I had friends. I could not understand why they were doing this to me. I am a nice person and a good girl. Why are they being mean to me?

"God, Ashley, just leave her the fuck alone. All you of you! Maybe I should tell her and the rest of your little entourage about the time at Rachel's slumber party, Amber. You remember what happened then. Should I share that bit of news with everyone and ruin your image?" A voice said from behind me and I look around when I feel soft pressure on my shoulders. I look up and see a very pretty blonde girl standing behind me. She was wearing cargo pants, a tee shirt, and a hoody. Her hair was not groomed to perfection as the other girl's at my solitary table but seemed a little messy like she had worn a hat all day. But still…she was so beautiful.

"Fuck you, Truscott! We used to be friends…why are you defending farm girl here?"

The blonde smiled, "Because it pisses you off, Amber. Now leave her alone before I decide to beat the hell out of you!"

Amber gave Ashley a fearful look and both girls just shrugged and walked away with their small group following behind them. I turn back to the lovely blonde girl who rescued me but she was not longer behind me; she was walking out of the cafeteria door. As I wiped my eyes with a napkin I knew I had two choices to make. One, let her go and finish my lunch or two, go after her and thank her and maybe…just maybe this girl would find me worthy to be her friend. I choose option one…being to afraid to approach the girl who saved me.

Over the next few days I started almost stalking the pretty blonde girl. I could not believe I was doing it and that I was even attracted to her…well yeah I could believe the second part. I had crushes on girls before and figured I may be gay or at least bi sexual. I really did not know since I had not even kissed anyone yet…boy or girl. But it did seem that I found both sexes attractive. But it was not like that with her, yeah she was beautiful and sexy to me but it was something else…something more. I felt like I needed her in my life not as a lover, like I even knew what one of those was, but as a friend. I needed this girl to like me and even to take care of me for some reason, Lilly Truscott…I had discovered her name.

Over the next three days I watched her. I had home room and some classes with her and she always sat in the back as if she wanted to be alone, but I remembered she never was. She always had people coming up to her and talking before class started and seemed very popular but I also noticed that while she would smile and laughed with them she did her best to ignore her "friends" and get them to leave her alone. That made me very curious…I would have given anything to be like her…beautiful, strong, and popular but I was just the outsider freak and everyday Amber and Ashley made sure I was aware of who I was with their taunts. When they would corner me in the hall I would wish for Lilly Truscott to show up and save me once more, but it did not happen until the day I followed my new obsession to her field hockey practice.

I was sitting in the bleachers admiring Lilly as she played her sport. Me…I suck at anything sporty and can and have often tripped over my feet just doing something as simple as running, but her…damn she was so graceful as she played her game. I was amazed as I watched her run and move this way and that way as she dodged and sidestepped the defenders and twisted and twirled like a ballet dancer as she threw the ball from her netted stick into the goal. I smiled as I saw the huge grin on her face as her teammates patted her on the back or gave her high fives after she scored. Yep, Lilly Truscott was marvelous to watch as she danced to perfection on her own stage…the stage of grass and chalked lines of her field hockey turf. I lost track of time as I watched her and once or twice I could have sworn she looked my way and smiled at me, but I was not sure…I mean why would she, the beautiful goddess, the Achilles of the hockey field even notice me…the weak pathetic country hick a mere mortal…and give me attention. I just sighed and knew it was my imagination or wishful thinking. When the coach blew the whistle for practice to end I got up from my seat to go home. I wanted so bad to talk to her…to thank her for what she did days ago, but I was scared. How could a mortal ever approach the gods? I sighed as I walked down the bleachers and so lost in my own thoughts I did not see them…my two new tormentors.

"Thinking about joining the team, hillbilly?" I looked up and see the beautiful faces of Amber and Ashley.

Yes they were lovely to look at until they came for you in their evilness and then those lovely faces were like the gorgon Medusa…once a beautiful woman cursed by the goddess Athena and turned into the terrible beast whose gaze would turn a person into stone. They did that to me…every time I saw them I felt as if I was turned to stone. My legs no longer worked, my mind froze, and my heart beat harder with fear as I waited their abuse. I could not run and escape them…all I could do was stand like a stone stature as they came for me.

I looked upon them and noticed they too wore the practice uniforms of the field hockey team but I did not remember them on the field…of course my gaze was focused on the blonde beauty and everyone else was just a blur to me.

"P…please…I…I please…y'a…umm…you two…please leave me alone." I whimper out trying to hide the southern accent I recently found horrible to hear from myself. I spent hours practicing to get rid of it in the quite self exiled dungeon of my room.

Ashley laughed and took a step closer to me holding her "stick" on her shoulder, "Yeah…maybe you should join the team, farm girl. But you know it can be painful…sometimes you get hit with the sticks." Ashley laughed and my eyes focused on her stick as it came sweeping off her shoulder and toward my knee. I could not move…I tried but I was still frozen from that terrible graze of the monster gorgons. All I could do was whimper as tears came unwanted to my now closed eyes and wait the pain I knew was to come. Then I heard it…a loud clacking noise and I dared to open my eyes. I looked down and saw another stick blocking Ashley's and then looked up to the holder of that stick and saw her…my obsession…Lilly Truscott standing beside me glaring at Ashley. My own personal Perseus come to slay the two Medusa's.

"I fucking told you to leave her alone!" Lilly screamed and I smiled as I saw both girls flinch. They were afraid of her. "So do we do this now? Do I kick both your asses now or later when Coach is not around?"

"You…you'll get kicked off the team, Lilly. You…you know it!" Amber said in a scared voice.

I looked at Lilly truly hoping she would not fight the two girls for several reasons. I hated fights…I never liked them and they scared me. I was also worried about her…she was going to fight two girls and what if she got hurt? I could not stand the thought of her getting hurt over someone as unworthy of her as me. Then there was the thought of her getting kicked off her team and after watching her practice I knew she loved it…it showed in her eyes and face as she did her graceful ballet on the field.

"Please…I…please don't, Lilly. Not…not over me…please." I managed to get out. She did not even look at me but continued to stare down the other two girls.

"Oh please, Amber…you think Coach Mathews is going to kick me off the team? She knows who her best player is! Hell the two of you just ride the bench all season anyway. No…she'll make an excuse for me to the principal." Lilly smiled and I could see the other two girls knew she was right by the looks on their faces.

"I…fuck you, Lilly! I don't know why you even care about this inbred hick for anyway!" Ashley screamed at Lilly and then both girls backed away and when they got a safe distance the turned and walked quickly back to the gym building.

Lilly just smirked and turned her back to me and started walking away. I was going to be brave this time…this time I would talk to her. "Thanks." I squeaked out in a pathetic voice. Lilly turned and I smiled when I saw her amused smile on her own face.

"I…sorry…thank you for that and for the other day." I said in a stronger voice, my confidence being boosted by her smile. "You…you are real good…at the hockey thing."

She laughed at that and to me it was the laugh of the heavens. It was so beautiful and mesmerizing even if she seemed to be making fun of me. "It is not field hockey. It is lacrosse…and thank you."

I felt mortified that I was so clueless about sports and stared at my feet and I shuffled them in the grass. "Sorry." I mumbled out.

"No problem…so, Miley, are you just going to stand there or are you coming with me? I am going to shower and change and then my mom said I could go to the beach for a while since it is Friday and we don't have school tomorrow. The city bus runs right from the school to the beach and I would like the company." The way she said it was not really a question but more of a command.

"Umm…yeah I would like that…umm…I need to call my brother and tell him not to pick me up...but yes…I would like that." I smile as I run up to her. I try not to let my accent show. As soon as I took four running steps I trip over my heels and fall to the ground. God I am so clumsy! I heard her giggle and look up embarrassed but I see her standing over me offering me her hand.

"Come on…maybe I can teach you to run as well as surf." She teased but it was a friendly teasing and I giggle as well as I took her hand and allowed her to pull me up.

"Umm…ok…but I may be scared of surfing…I…I never surfed before."

Lilly smiled as she led me to the gym not letting go of my hand. "Don't worry, Miley, I'll protect you…I'll always protect you." She chuckled as she said it.

That made me feel suddenly warm all over but also confused. Was she flirting with me? Was I opposed to her flirtation? Well…no…I was honored and flattered but also scared. I had to know what she meant.

"Umm, Lilly…why?" I managed to ask her as she swung our arms while we walked. She stopped us and smiled at me knowing what I meant.

"Miley, I am a loner…I have always been a loner and I was fine with that. Oh I had a few acquaintances…Amber and Ashley used to be two of them until they got all high and mighty and snobby. But generally I have been alone and that was fine with me…I preferred it. But well…" She started to blush and look nervous now, "I…I saw you and knew I needed a friend and I want you to be that friend, Miley. But on one condition." I swallow hard at that word but she just gave me that sweet smile of hers. "Never try to talk without your accent…I like it and it is who you are…never change who you are, Miley. Ashley and Amber…they pick on you because they see you as scared and they are jealous."

"New friend say what? Jealous of me? How can they be jealous of me? They both are so pretty and…well…I am just plain old hick Miley Stewart."

Lilly again smiles at me, "Miley, you are not plain. You are so totally cute and that is why they don't like you. They feel threatened by you and how pretty you are."

My heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest and tears came to my eyes again…tears of happiness at her words…thinking I am cute, her liking my accent, her wanting to be my friend. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." I quote and blush after I said it…God that was dorky of me!

Lilly grinned, "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she has to walk into mine." Lilly quoted back.

"Oh my God! You…you like that movie to?" I ask in a excited voice.

Lilly laughs, "Yeah my mom used to make me watch all those old movies with her…still does. I…yeah I like them."

I giggle, "Mine did to…Casablanca, To Kill a Mockingbird and my all time favorite…Gone with the Wind."

"Never seen Gone with the Wind." Lilly confessed as we started walking again still holding hands.

"Lilly Truscott! You poor deprived girl! Tonight you are spending the night at my house and we are going to watch that movie!" I yell in my excitement, "I…I mean if it is ok with you and your mom and dad."

Lilly chuckles again, "Sure, Miley…I would like that. So does your mom still make you watch those old movies?"

The smile was washed from my face right then and an uncomfortable feeling came over me. I missed my mom…God did I miss her! But I also hated when I had to tell people and have them give me their fake sympathy. "Umm…my mom died two years ago." I mutter and once again Lilly stopped us from walking. I look up at her in time to see her come in close and then feel her arms wrap around me in a tight hug.

"I am sorry, Miley." Was all she said and then she pulled back and led us once again to the gym. That one simple hug and those small words made me feel warm again. She did not have to say much or go on and on and tell me how sorry she was and that she wished she never would have asked…all she had to do was hug me and tell me she was sorry and I felt her sincerity wash over me like a wave and it gave me comfort and joy.

As we walked I could not help but grin the entire time as Lilly held my hand. I had found my friend…my best friend and I knew nothing would ever tear us apart. I fell in love with Lilly Truscott that day in more ways than one. I loved her as my friend, as my sister, and even do I dare hope a lover? But most of all I fell in love with her in a bond that was deeper…so much deeper than anything I felt before. I knew whatever she was going to be to me…she would always be my best friend, my protector, my own personal goddess to worship for the rest of my life.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Clarification – this is not a prequel to All You Need is Love. This is a whole new story line. I had to mention that since a lot have asked me if it was.**_

That was how Lilly and I became friends…best friends. She spent that first night with me and it was wonderful. I did make her watch Gone With the Wind and the second time that night we were watching it my dad made us some of his famous Loco Hot Coco to help keep us up to watch the long movie. Lilly loved it and could not get enough of it and I would giggle at her as she would silently mouth the famous lines of the movie. She did get annoyed at me when during our second viewing I started explaining a lot of the history of the film like how it was a four year search for them to cast Vivian Leigh as Scarlet and stuff. My mom was a huge fan of the movie and would tell me these things. After the fourth time of her telling me to be quiet I just smiled and snuggled closer to her. I did not even move when I felt her tense. I did not care…I had to be close to this girl…this wonderful person who let me in her life. After the second time the end credits rolled on the screen I was half asleep when I felt Lilly move to turn the television off and then scooted down on the bed as she turned her body away from mine and got further away from me. I just scooted closer and snuggled in and smelled her hair. Jasmine…it smelled of Jasmine and that became my new favorite smell. See I am what you call a snuggle whore…I love to snuggle even alone in bed I will snuggle with one of my stuffed animals.

"Miley, scoot over. I can't sleep with you hanging all over me like this." Lilly told me. I could tell she was not used to this closeness from someone. I did not care…she was mine now and I was never going to let her go just as I was hers.

"No…I don't want to…my bed my rules." I giggle and even snuggle closer.

"ARGH! Ok fine…but when we sleep at my house I make the rules." Lilly said in a huff but I could tell there was a smile on her face. I don't know how…but I could tell. And her mention of me spending the night at her house made me feel…ok childish but I was only twelve at the time…made me feel giddy and excited.

"Lilly, I…I love you." I whispered so she would not hear me, but she did. I felt her stiffen again.

"Damn." I muttered, let her go, and rolled over.

"Miley…I…well…umm…" Lilly stammered as I felt her role over.

"Lilly, I…I am sorry…please…please don't leave…I…meant it as friendship." I quickly tell her hoping she will not freak out and leave.

"God, Miley…do you think I am a terrible person and would do that. No it just shocked me that is all. I told you I never had a real friend before and I kind of don't know how to act." She chuckled. I role over and smile at her. I felt so honored to be this wonderful girl's first true friend.

"Well…I will show you. The first rule is that you let your friend snuggle with you…no questions."

Lilly giggled and turned over, "Ok, snuggle bunny, do your thing."

I grin as once again I snuggle close to her and wrap my arms around her. I let out a slight moan of pleasure as she actually grabs my hand and pulls it close to her chest. I told her the truth…I loved her, but now I needed to find out how I loved her. Was it love love…that romantic I can't live without you type of love? Was it deep friendship sisterly type love? Or was it more…something much deeper than the other two. As I hugged her and smelled her hair once more I knew it was more…so much more. Now I just had to make her feel the same way about me.

Over the next two years Lilly and I became inseparable. At age fourteen she remained m protector as well as my best friend as we entered high school as lowly freshman. But she was popular already having made the varsity soccer team as a mere freshman. I was so excited for her and had daddy drive us to dinner and treated Lilly to a nice meal at a fancy restaurant. She already had boys…high upper class boys asking her out on dates while me…well once again I found myself the awkward unsocial girl…the outcast due to my own shyness. But Lilly stayed with me and turned down chances to join the popular kids because I was not invited. I also found new and crueler torments from those same students who liked Lilly but for some reason found me their target.

Trough it all had did everything together…well almost everything. I still kept my Hannah secret from her. I felt so guilty about it. Dad wanted me to tell her but I couldn't. It was not that I wanted to hide it from her but I just couldn't tell Lilly. She became a huge Hannah fan as my alter ego started burning up the charts in the young teen world of music. I knew if I told her it would ruin us and I would have given up Hannah before I gave up Lilly. With Hannah I found strength and confidence but she was just a façade…she was not real and I was beginning to think Miley the shy clumsy high school freshman was not real either…there had to be a real me somewhere…but where? Who was she? Where was she hiding? I just did not know but I desperately needed her to come and find me. As for Lilly and Hannah…I just could not tell her because I felt I would lose her and that was something I could never have…a life without Lilly Truscott. But she found out of course and that was our first fight. She accused me of not trusting her and I later accused her of trust issues as well. That was also the first time I confused my emotions and love for her and kissed her on the lips with passion. Oh we did the gently sweet pecks and kisses of friends but nothing like this before.

Lilly was slowly walking to the door after she apologized for calling me Hannah in my secret Hannah closet. I giggled at her drama but deep down I was in pain. I knew if I let her go I took the chance of never seeing her again and that I could not live with.

"Drama Queen." I said with a smile and she turned and grinned as we locked eyes.

"Hugs." We said together and ran to one another and hugged tight.

All was forgiven and then as she pulled back…I kissed her. I kissed her deep and passionate…my first kiss like this ever…I clumsily tried to put my tongue in her mouth and found her bottom lip. I felt Lilly pull back quickly and stare into my eyes. As she was about to say something Jackson…the brother I loved but fought with constantly…walked into the room before either of us could say anything. I diverted my eyes from Jackson back to Lilly and then run crying to my room. I shut and lock and then curl up on my bed in tears.

"Go away!" I shouted when I heard the knock on my door. I knew it was Lilly but how could I face her now after what I had done? She hated me…I knew she did and I could not stand to hear her tell me we were no longer friends! I could not stand to hear her think I was a sick perverted freak! It was best if she just left and I never heard form her again.

"Miley, open this door! I mean it…I…we need to talk!" She said sternly.

"Why? So you can tell me you hate me? Please…just…just go away." I sob into my pillow.

I turn over as I hear the door open and see Lilly walk into the room with a smirk on her face. "These locks on these doors are really easy to pick." She says and sits on my bed as I turn back over to avoid her wonderful eyes. "Miles…ummm…why did you kiss me like that?"

"I dunno." I mutter but that was a lie…I kissed her because I loved her and wanted her to be all mine…right? That was why wasn't it?

I felt Lilly start to caress my back and it felt so wonderful, "Miley…please talk to me. Do you…umm…do you feel that way about me?"

I turn over look at her, "And….and if I did…would you hate me? Would you stop being my friend?" I ask quietly.

"Miley…come on…what kind of person to you take me for? You are my best friend and I love you as my best friend…nothing will ever change that and I could never hate you. So I am going to ask you again…do you feel that way about me?"

I sit up and place myself next to her and she took my hand in hers, "I…I don't know. I…maybe…maybe not. I…I am just so confused after we had our fight and I was scared you were going to leave me forever…please don't do that, Lilly, please never leave me!" I begging and she just smiled and kissed my cheek.

"I will never leave you…I told you I would protect you always, Miley, and I mean that. And no…you do not love me like that…you were just confused and that is fine."

I smile at her an of course I believe her…she always knows best and wipe my eyes. "Ok, Lilly. Now umm…care to pick out any two pair of shoes and a dress from the Hannah closet?"

Lilly giggled and helped me off they bed, "Even the Italian shoes?"

"Of course…anything for you." I laugh as we head to my secret closet.

So we were friends again and Lilly became Lola and she went to every concert with me and I have to say with her back stage cheering me on my performances were the best ever. Then we started dating…not her and I dating each other…but boys. Lilly chose to date Gabe Lammatti…yes chose…she had her pick. Me I dated Johnny Collins. I did so because yeah he was cute and I had a crush on him but I was to shy to talk to him until Lilly made me and so we both had boyfriends and we double dated a lot.

I always wanted to double date because I never wanted Lilly out of my sight. I was scared…I was scared Gabe would take her way form me so I made sure almost every date she went on I was with her along with Johnny. I liked Johnny…don't get me wrong and Johnny helped me discover something about myself…that comes later. But I loved Lilly more and I was not going to lose her. So we doubled a lot and I know she got tired of it and wanted her alone time with Gabe, but I could not allow that to happen. That was until I let Johnny take my virginity at age 14.

I did not mean for it to happen and he did not force his self on me, but I did discover he was abusive. It started verbally at first with him calling me names and putting me down and making fun of my clothes and hair style etc. But I took it…I allowed it to happen because honestly…I found myself doing my best to please him in how I looked. I could not explain it back then and it was not until years later I understood why. Then he got abusive physically and one night we argued because I wanted to double again with Lilly and Gabe but he wanted alone time with me. Sometime during the argument at my house…daddy and Jackson were gone for the night to some stupid basketball game…he slapped my face. I fell to the floor…it hurt…my cheek burned and tears came to my eyes and when I looked up at him I saw no remorse…no guilt…just this defiant look on his face and I never saw him look so hot. And then something else happened as my cheek burned in pain…it made me feel good…sexually excited good. I never wanted Johnny as bad as I did right then…but the scary thing was…I wanted him to slap me again. God help me but I wanted to feel the pain once more. It excited me more than anything…more than when Johnny would fondle my developing breasts or when he would have me put him in my mouth…I wanted more of it. I had never been physical "punished" before in my life. Daddy never hit me or spanked me and neither did my mom when she was alive. My punishments when I did something word always came in the form of timeouts or being sent to my room and grounded for a certain number of days. But then…that night I knew what it was like to be punished physically and I wanted it again…I did not know why…I was ashamed of my feelings…disgusted by it….but all I knew was I wanted…no needed more.

I got off the floor and called him a name and he slapped my other cheek and once more I fell to the ground in tears but that wonderful arousal was worth the pain. I stood up again and he was waiting for me to either tell him to leave or get mad or run away crying…what I did shocked him as much as me.

"Fuck me! Please just fuck me, Johnny!" I begged as I jumped into his arms and kissed him hard. He took me to my room and I was suddenly no longer a virgin. It hurt at first but after a while it felt good…but I did not reach an orgasm or at least I did not think I did. Later in life I thought back on that first time and knew I did not reach an orgasm. After he was done her got dressed, kissed me, and told me he would call me the next day. He was done but I was ok with that. I knew Lilly said she was coming over after her date to spend the night and I would rather snuggle with her anyway. Plus I had to tell her…I had to let her know I was no longer a virgin. Well Lilly came over and I told her and she was not upset with me as I had a little fear she may be…of course I left out the slapping. We did the girl talk about how was it? What did it feel like? Did I enjoy it? All that stuff and then we went to sleep.

From that night on I wanted Johnny to slap me more and I did things to make him slap me. I did my best to get under his skin and make him mad and tease him until he gave me that wonderful pain of being slapped. I had no idea what was going on with me…but I wanted to feel it again. To feel the pain that burned my cheek and made me cry but also gave me such arousal and after he slapped me a few times I begged him to take me and fuck me…which he was happy to do. I even had fantasies of him spanking me with his hands or better yet…his leather belt, but I was too embarrassed and ashamed to even ask or try to get him to, so I just settled for the occasional slaps on the face. That was how we went for about another month…until I found out he could give me pain I did not enjoy. One night in my attempts to make him mad and slap me he hit me with a closed fist. I fell to the floor and spit blood out of my mouth and saw it dripping on the hard wood floor of his house. I out up and ran out the door crying as I held my bleeding mouth.

As I was running I was thinking of where I should go…home or to Lilly's…I wanted Lilly…I wanted her so bad to protect me and to take care of me but she was on a date with Gabe so I chose home. I ran about two blocks, fell down several times, and then a kindly woman with her small son in the car picked me up and took me home. Once home I made an excuse to my dad about how I fell and busted my lip and with my now skinned knees from falling down as I ran home he believed it and took me to the ER and I got four stitches in my lip and a bruise on my jaw. Now my brother who I love/hate did not believe my lie. I did not know of his disbelief until later that night when Lilly, after I called her and begged her to end her date early and come over, which to my surprise she did without hesitating.

I was watching her pace the floor of my room muttering under her breath the painful things she was going to do to Johnny and crying with the love in my heart for this girl…this protector…my own personal goddess to worship forever. I promised Lilly after the Hannah incident that I would never lie to her again or keep anything from her, but how could I tell this wonderful beautiful girl who was protecting me my dirty little shameful secret of enjoying….wanting…needing the painful slaps that Johnny gave me. I couldn't…there was no way I could let her know how ashamed I was of myself for allowing that to happen to me. U was brought out of my thoughts when Jackson came into my room without knocking.

"Get the hell out!" I yelled at him. Oh how I hated him right now! He did not even go with me to the ER! All he did was leave the house mentioning something about forgetting to return a DVD he rented! Some freaking older brother he was!

He gave me a sheepish smile, "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

I sat up in the bed, "Why should you care? You did not even go…"

"Jackson, what happened to your hand?" I heard Lilly ask in a soft voice and I looked down and saw Jackson's hand. He had a clothe wrapped around it and blood was seeping through.

"Umm…nothing…just hurt it while…umm…my car….yeah my car had problems and…ummph." Jackson let out a gasp of air as I saw Lilly hung him tight, whisper something in his ear, pull back, and kiss him on the cheek. "Thank you." She whispered as Jackson blushed.

Me, being the clueless girl that I am, it took a moment to sink finally got what had happened. With a rush of love for my brother washing over me I jump up and hug him tight.

"Hey…now how would I look if I let some guy beat on my little sister…I mean…I did it for me not you." My brother said with a grin as he gently pushed m back.

I slap his chest and wipe the tears from my eyes, "You idiot! You could have been hurt!" I yell but with a smile on my face.

Jackson just shook his head, "Naw…apparently he is better at beating up girls than fighting boys." He looks at his hand and grins at Lilly. "Well I had better get this cleaned up…unless Lilly wants to hug me again…I like that."

"Ohhh…just leave!" I yell laughing at him.

The next day I broke up with Johnny…well Lilly broke up with him for me. She had Jackson drive us to his house and Johnny came to the door and I had to smile had his black eye and bruised face as Lilly after he using words I never heard from her mouth before she told him I was through with him and if he ever hit me again what Jackson did to him would feel like a lover's kiss compared to what she would do to him. Was I glad she broke up with him for me…yes I was. I may have liked it when he slapped my and had other fantasies of him doing things like spanking me…but hitting me like he did was not what I wanted. I was happy he was gone from my life. That was my first "love" and my first romantic relationship and how it ended…but years later I was to learn it was more to me…it was a self discovery of who I was and what I enjoyed.

Love? What is love? Yes I love my family…even Jackson and of course I love Lilly…God do I love Lilly. But what about romantic love? I never "loved" Johnny…what I had him was lust…pure and simple. I was starting to see "love" in a different light now…it did not exist? I doubted it…it would be forever denied me because I was beginning not to believe in it. There was no such thing as love! I was a big fan of William Shakespeare and Romero and Juliet used to me my favorite of his…but I now saw those two star crossed lovers in a different light as well. It was not love they had…they had lust! They never would have lasted…maybe it was a good thing they ended the way they did to save themselves of future disaster.


	4. Chapter 4

After Johnny I decided to put boys on hold in my life and focused on my school work. I was actually doing very well and by the end of the year I was second in our freshman class as far as grades were concerned, but I was still socially inept and still the prey for the hunters of the school as they shot me with their insults and cruel torments. I was now fifteen and a half and it was summer time and to me that meant more time with Lilly. Our friendship just continued to grow stronger as did my love for her and hers for me. She still dated Gabe but they had an on and off relationship…nothing like arguments or fights to break up it was just one week they were just friends and the next they would go on a date…Lilly would explain it to me as friends with benefits. Me? I hated Gabe…I could not stand him and the main reason was how he treated Lilly. You might expect a friend to get mad at another friends boyfriend because he was a jerk and treated your friend like shit! But not me…I hated Gabe because he treated Lilly with kindness and respect and they were perfect for one another. He was so sweet even to me and I despised him for it. Why you may ask? Because the nicer and more perfect for Lilly he was meant he would take her away from me and I could not stand him for that! But an idea came to me…one that I would put into action over the summer….I was not going to let him take Lilly away from me! Well my plan back fired in a way but the events after it also led me to something else…something I thought was very nice and enjoyed very much.

My dad set up a summer tour for Hannah and it sucked…for me at least. The fans liked it but I don't know why. I was off key, I missed dance moves, and I even forgot words to songs. Why did I suck? Lola was not back stage cheering me on. Lilly decided to attend a soccer camp over the summer while I was on tour and I missed her terribly. When my tour was over I was coming to the conclusion to give Hannah up. I did not like her anymore…my alter ego was no longer making me happy but neither was Miley. Once again I thought something was missing in my life and I needed to find it. I was going to talk to dad about ending Hannah or at least put her in the closet for a while with all her clothes and shoes. So there I was after the tour…spending my days in self exile in my room and not wanting to do anything because I was Lillyless. I missed her and I know she was getting annoyed with my constant messages to her cell but I needed to talk to her…to hear her voice just once or twice a day. Oh, she called me back…she always did that and would ease my emotions and tell me she would be home soon and that she missed me as well. She would encourage me to go out to some of the parties the kids from school were having but I would just laugh over that….she seemed to have forgotten that without her I was once again ostracized from our peers. It was never me they invited to parties it was always her and I went along as her side kick. No…I did not get invited to the "cool" parties or hell even the geek fests so I stayed at home and counted the days until Lilly would come home. I felt like Penelope waiting for her mighty king and husband Odysseus to return from the war in Troy.

Then one Saturday afternoon Gabe called me and asked me to go with him to a beach party later that night some of our peers were having. I was mortified…how could he ask me out? The boy who dated my best friend asked me on a date….the nerve of him, but then I saw my chance…to finally keep him away from Lilly. Yes I told him…I would be happy to go with him to the beach party. I giggled like an evil siren after he hung up the phone. I would finally be rid of my rival forever. I made sure I looked cute for our date…I could never look hot like Lilly but I knew I could be cute. I wore a simple red sundress with my blue bikini under it…Lilly had me buy it in the spring because she said I had a wonderful body and should show it off. So yeah…I humored her and purchased it. This was the first time I wore it and I had to admit…it did look pretty decent on me.

Gabe picked me up and we drove to the party as I flirted with him. He was either to stupid to notice or I was not a good flirt. I decided it was the latter since I knew he was not stupid. At the party he talked to me and stayed real close to me…which I grudgingly had to admit I was grateful for because if nor for him I would not have had anyone to even know I was there. After a while I was getting my nerve up and decided to make the move to end him and Lilly forever. I placed my soft drink down in the sand and pulled Gabe away from the large bonfire. When more alone I leaned in and kissed him and I expected him to grab me and pull me close and even ease me to the sand and try to have me. That was when I would yell and others would find him on top of me as I screamed for him to get off of me and Lilly would find out and Gabe would be out of her…our…lives forever. Well what is the saying about best laid plans? Oh yes…"Best laid plains of mice and men often go astray." Yeah…this mouse's plan went astray alright.

Gabe pulled back, "Miley…umm…what…what are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I wanted to think you for the date…no just kiss me." I say in a seductive voice…or what I hoped was seductive. I was not good at seducing.

"Gabe chuckled…he actually chucked at me! "Miley, this was not a date…I…I am sorry if you thought that. I could never ask you out on a date because you are Lilly's best friend and that would be wrong of me." Oh how I hated is nobility and chivalry right now! "I…well…I invited you here because Lilly was worried about you. She was getting worried because you spent so much time in your room and she asked me to ask you to the party." Gabe took a step to me with that terrible kind smile of his. "Miley, I'm sorry…I realty am…she…hell we…are both worried about you. Let's go back to the fire and have a good time." Oh how dare he worry about me! How dare he be kind to me!

"Stay away from me!" I yell and start crying at making such a fool of myself and ran past him, past the fire, and ended up sitting in the sand away from everyone else. Gabe did not follow me and I was glad…how could I face him now and worse…what if he told Lilly what I did? She would hate me forever for trying to kiss him.

I sat there in the sand with my legs drawn up to my chin and rocking back and forth crying for a while when I noticed someone sit next to me. I caught the bare scent of sweet perfume as I looked over and saw a girl smiling at me and offering me a red plastic cup.

"I don't drink." I mutter out wanting her to leave.

"And I was only offering you a coke." She said with humor in her voice. I liked the sound of her voice…it was pleasant and that caused me to look closely at her.

Her long straight red hair reflected the flames of the bonfire beautifully and with the moon being full I could make out her green eyes and beautiful face. God she was gorgeous. My eyes found their way to her body before I could stop them and she was thin in the right spots and curvy in the right spots. I had never seen her before, but that did not mean anything. I did not know many people at school especially the upper classmen and she looked to be about seventeen or eighteen. I reached out and took the cup from her.

"T…thanks." I manage to squeak out.

"Welcome…so do you go to Seaview?" She asked me with a lovely smile.

I tool a sip of the drink and answered her at the same time and the coke came dribbling down my chin. God I am such a klutz! "Yeah, you?" I say as I blush and wipe my chin.

The red head giggles at my lack of social grace, "No…I graduated last year but have some friends that still go there so they invited me. I was so bored."

"I just finished my freshman year….and ummm…was bored?" I dared to ask her. For some reason I wanted to keep her with me so I was doing my best to keep her talking.

She laughs, "Yeah was…until I saw this red blur run past me and thought how cute she was even if she seemed upset. So…are you upset?"

I shrug my shoulders…I did not want to get into this with her…to let her think I was a dork for what I did. "Yeah….I just did something stupid and was thinking about the consequences of my actions."

"Umm…does it have to do with that very cute boy you came with?" She pried.

"Yeah…and I did not come with him…I mean I did but not like you mean. He dates my best friend and she is away for the summer so he thought it would be nice to invite me to the party." I tell her while looking at my toes through my sandals. God I need a pedicure.

"I see…so that means you are not dating." I look at her and shake my head, "So then you are on the market as they say." She teased.

"Umm…yeah…I guess. I swore off boys for a while…I was dating someone but he was a jerk." I take her bait.

"I see…no boys…interesting." She grinned and stood up. I felt a moment of panic as I thought she was leaving. She was the only person besides Gabe that talked to me all night and I did not want her to leave….I wanted to talk with someone. But she made me relax as she held her hands out and I took them and allowed her to pull me to my feet.

"Names Heather by the way. Yours?" She asked when I was on my feet.

"Miley." I answered and was standing close enough to her to feel her breath on my face. She was only about an inch taller than me and damn she was pretty.

"Where are you from, Miley? I could not help but notice the accent." She asked with a grin.

Ok here it goes…the teasing and the torment about to start. I knew she must have had a reason to come talk to me. One of her friends that still goes to the school must have told her…"Hey go mess with the hillbilly girl. She is real fun to make cry".

"Tennessee." I mutter out trying not to talk much no and give her anymore ammunition.

She giggles again, "I like it…it is just charming and if I may dare say…sexy. Well Miley stay right here and let me go get a blanket and let's take a walk on the beach and leave this boring party…that is if you want to?"

I smile at her kind words, "Umm…sure…but…umm…why do we need a blanket?"

"Because, silly, when we get tired of walking we can sit and enjoy the stars…I love star gazing." She said as she waked away to get her blanket. Made sense to me…I liked to look at the stars as well.

Heather and I walked in the sand under the full moon for a while and I must admit I really enjoyed her company. She made me laugh and never pried into my more personal feelings as she kept the conversation very light. I did notice she was flirting with me…or at least I thought she was and dare I admit it to myself…I hoped she was! She was so beautiful and all I could think about was running my hands through her long straight red hair and kissing her. I few times I even looked at her and…oh how shameful…I thought of her slapping my face! Oh God that was terrible of me I know but I could not help it! Eventually we stop and she spread the blanket on the beach, sat down, and motioned me to join her. I did with pleasure and found myself sitting so close to her our shoulders were touching. Did I go it on purpose? I may have. She smiled at that and as I moved a little to give her more room she put her arm around me and pulled me close to her. I wanted her…I wanted her to take me and do things with me I had never done! I wanted to please her so much…I wanted to please her above my own pleasure. Something I discovered I enjoyed with Johnny was that I got pleasure out of pleasing my partner. Even the times I masturbated I always fantasized about pleasing the other person over myself. To my disappointment I could never bring myself to orgasm through myself pleasure but it did feel good.

I have heard stories and even read books about young girls exploring their sexuality or "coming out of the closet" and how their first time with the same sex they ere nervous and scared and did not know what to do…not me! I was not scared or nervous; she made me feel at ease. But not knowing what to do did flash through my mind often until she leaned in and kissed me. Oh it was wonderful and as I accepted her tongue into my mouth and wrapped my arms around her as she slowly and gently eased me on my back. I gasped in pleasure as Heather kissed my neck and started fondling my still underdeveloped breasts and moaned in delight when she pinched my nipples hard. It was wonderful and just the beginning of my bliss that night.

After a while of her fondling me and when she had me naked on the blanket I begged her to let me please her as I rolled her over to her back and started taking off her clothes. I wanted to make her happy…yes I was aroused…so aroused that one of my self pleasure fantasies was coming true…to have sex with another girl…and yes I have release that had been denied to me for so long, but all I could think about was pleasing her…making her satisfied. That thought gave me even greater arousal. As I begged to please her and started taking control she pulled my hair back hard and told me to slow down.

Oh my! When she pulled my hair and felt the pain my arousal shot up! It was almost like when Johnny used to slap my face. Not quite as strong but in a way more…sensual. I loved it and as I let out a soft whimper from the pain I wanted her to pull it more. I decided to be brave with her and let her know unlike with Johnny. "More…please more." I moaned out and I saw her grin.

"Oh, you like that huh?" She said and pulled my hair harder and it felt so good even if it hurt. "Well I wm going to please your first and then you will get to please me." She said as she gave my hair a harder jerk.

"Yeess…God yeeess." I gasped out as her hand went between my thighs and spread them apart. She found my clit very easily and started working it slow and I was begging for more as her mouth found my nipples and started sucking and biting them gently. I wanted to scream for her to bite harder…to make them hurt but I did not want her to freak out so I just moaned my pleasure and she soon brought me to my first orgasm. God it was wonderful! I never thought it would be this good. My whole body shook as I felt that wonderful release and as much as I tried to hold back my scream of pleasure it did not work. I screamed do loud I was sure we were heard but I did not care…it felt to good and I wanted it to last forever.

But like all good things…they must come to an end and that did. When my body relaxed and I lay gasping for air Heather placed her finger to my mouth and I greedily sucked myself off of her. I had tasted myself before and I liked it so I did not care…but now I wanted to taste her…I wanted to see what another girl tasted like. I kissed her deep and passionate.

"Please…let me do you…please, Heather." I begged when I pulled back to kiss her neck.

I heard her giggle, "Oh you will, Miley…you will but not here. I am in a hotel…lets go back there so we will not be interrupted…I promise it will be a night of pleasure for the both of us."

I nodded and quickly got dressed. I was so excited I almost forgot to tell Gabe that I had a ride home but Heather reminded me. On the drive in her car to the hotel she held my hand and I kept sneaking looks at her and giggling. She would laugh at my childish antics.

"Heather…umm…how did you know?" I asked her the question that had been on my mind since we walked back to the party after she made me come.

"No what, baby?" She replied…I liked her calling me baby.

"That well…ummm…that I would…umm…that I would do what I did."

She laughed at my blushing, "Oh, Miley, you are just so adorable and so cute. I did not know but when I saw you tonight I had to al least try…I think you are just so pretty and sexy." Wow…me sexy and pretty…maybe she needs glasses. "And I saw my chance to try and if you said no then you said no and that would be it. My friends know I am a lesbian so they would not think anything of me trying to make a move on such a cute girl as you." She glances at me and smiles. "So are you glad I did try?"

I blush and nod my head. "Oh yes…very glad….but…umm…I…I never had sex with a girl before…I have wanted to but…what if I don't know what I am going?" I ask in a scared voice.

Heather laughed, "Trust me…it is not that hard and plus I will show you…but only if you are sure…we can turn around right now and I can take you home."

I pull her hand to my lips and kiss it. "I am sure…if you promise to pull my hair again."

Heather laughs again, "Yeah I can manage that."

That night I was introduced to having sex with another girl and we did it all…well all that my inexperienced mind thought as I was to find put later in life what Heather and I did was not even a scratch on the surface, but at that point in my life it was a lot we did and I loved it. Yes I knew now I was at the least bi-sexual. I did get to taste her more than once and she did pull my hair often and it was great. I spent the night with her in her hotel room and when I woke the next day I was excited to kiss my new girlfriend. But I found out that how naïve I was at my young age.

The bed was empty except for me and on the bed side table was a note.

_Miley, _

_Had a wonderful time last night and maybe we can hook up again when I come back to town as long as I don't bring my girlfriend…she is the real jealous type. Check out is noon so take your time and again….it was fun._

_Heather_

That was it…a note telling me she had fun AND she had a girlfriend…oh God I felt like such a whore! I cried for a moment and took a shower and checked to make sure I had enough cash for a cab ride…I did…and went home to face my dad to be yelled at for staying out all night.

Yes my introduction to girls in a sexual way was a one night stand and I was used like a whore. I was beginning to wonder if anyone would ever love me or if it even existed. Sure there was the love of family and the deep love I have for Lilly…but what about romance? Was it out there? Did it exist? I was beginning to doubt it. These thoughts ran through my head as I lay on my bed after being grounded by my dad. Would I ever be deserving of love like that?


	5. Chapter 5

Four days after my very wonderful but also terrible one night stand with Heather Lilly came home…Yay!!! The night with Heather was wonderful sexually and of course in my naïve mind I thought it was something more but of course it was not. That was why it was terrible…I felt used and ashamed of the fact I was just a one night stand. But as with other things in my life I just added it to the list of the things I buried deep inside me…my mom's death, my torments at school, the arousal I felt when Johnny slapped me, and now this. But all was better soon…my Lilly was coming home!

It took me three days after Lilly came home to work up the courage to tell her I was well…bi sexual I guess you could say but I never got into the whole labeling of my or anyone sexuality. I told her about Heather and to my surprise she did not freak out or anything…it was like to her it was as if I told her the sky was blue. All Lilly did was nod, tell me she was sorry Heather just used me as a one night stand, and we went and got ice cream and a movie to watch later since she was spending the night. How cool can a person be! She is just the best!

Oh yeah…I told her about my foolish act with Gabe…he never told her for some reason…oh how I hated his kindness! She just laughed and told me not to get into my head any ideas of a threesome and we got into a tickle fight. She won as usual. Have I ever mentioned hoe much I love her and that she is just the best!

Well the time past and several things happened in my life. I have up Hannah when I was sixteen. I put her away and maybe she would come back one day but for now I let her go. She no longer gave me any happiness. Of course I talked to my dad and he told me what ever made me happy to do and yes I had to get Lilly's approval on giving her up as well. I knew Lilly liked Hannah and Lola so to me this decision concerned her a great deal as well. I could tell she was disappointed at my choice but being Lilly who cared for me great deal she just told me my happiness was what mattered and she accepted my choice with no argument and gave me the support I needed. Did I even mention how much I love that girl and that she is the best friend anyone could ever have? She was…Lilly Truscott was the best! Another thing that happened in my life was that I gave up on the idea of ever finding that silly romantic love.

I determined it was never going to happen to me so I gave up on dating either boys or girls and focused instead on my school work and now with Hannah gone I was doing very well and was taking advanced program classes and even college level classes. This gave me the chance to skip a grade and graduate high school a year early. I was afraid to take it…I mean not being in the same grade as Lilly! Not graduating school with her and starting college without her…I could not survive! I would not know what to do and I would be so lost without her. But Lilly being Lilly…always looking out for me told me I was silly…I would never lose her and I should take the chance so I did. Then I met Her…the one that changed my life forever and the one that helped me discover the true me…the person I was supposed to be and the self person I had been waiting to find me for all these years!

I was sixteen and a half and it was close to the end of our school year. I would be a senior the next year and Lilly would remain a junior since I skipped a grade. But as Lilly told me regardless of where I was she would always be there for me. It was a nice Saturday afternoon and Lilly and I had plans to got to the beach but she got sick…nothing serious but just one of those twenty four hour viruses and after taking care of her for a while she told me to go and have fun…stop hovering over her…I think she was getting annoyed with my nursing her…so I decided to go shopping. I was going to buy Lilly a get well present or two…maybe an outfit so I went to the mall. I was wandering from store to store when and I caught something strange…well someone. Almost every store I was in I saw Her…she seemed to be following me. She was taller than me and had auburn hair that came down to her shoulders and she wore it in a layered fashion. She was pretty…not doubt about that. She looked older than me by several years. Was I scared…yeah a little…I mean the way she looked at me made me blush…like she could not only read my thoughts but could tell what color my French cut panties were. I decided to leave the clothing stores for now to see if she was truly following me. I decided to go to the music store and just pretend I was browsing over the instruments.

After spending a few moments in the store looking over the guitars I sighed in relief as the strange lady did not seem to follow me but also…I felt disappointed for some reason. I was absently strumming the strings of one of the acoustic guitars and when I put it back on the stand I jumped at the voice behind me.

"Well, you do know how to play." I turn and see my stalker. Up close I got a better look at her and yes…she was very pretty and had green eyes that sparkled but seemed…penetrating like they saw not just my panties but my soul as well. He body was not like the standard society dictates attractive girls should have…she was more curvy than thin and very voluptuous. I found it…well do I dare say it about a stalker…sexy. But that was something else about her…something more that made me blush and afraid and attracted to her all at once. This strange lady exuded power…I could not explain it. But I knew she was not a person to be timid or afraid like me. This lady took charge in her life…I could tell that by the way she stood and the confidence that flowed from her.

As I blushed and moved my head down to stare at my nervously shifting feet I checked out her clothes…yeah I always did that. Just a habit of the fashion police inside me I guess. She was wearing a simple button up white blouse, a black skirt that came about two maybe two and a half inches above her knees and I noticed her stockings were black and had a seam running up the back of them. She was dressed very nice and I could tell the few pieces of jewelry she wore were real. She looked to be about twenty four or twenty five.

"Umm…t…thanks." I muttered out as I watched my sandaled feet shift back and forth and she chuckled.

"What's you name, girl?" She asked in a nice voice…but a voice I could tell was used to being in control.

"Umm…Mi…Miley." I whispered. God I wanted to run…to leave her and hide I was so frightened…but also I was intrigued to see what she wanted of me.

"Miley…sweet name. How old are you, Miley?" She asked and I swear I shivered at her voice…and the authority that came with it.

"Sixteen…I'll be seventeen in a little over a month." I had hastily. For some reason I wanted her to know I was older…or going to be.

"Look at me, Miley." She ordered…well it sounded like one I think.

I look up and smile as she smiled at me. "You are very pretty, Miley. And yes…you will do." She said kindly and again I blushed at the way she was looking at me. She sounded like she was interviewing me for a job or something.

"Umm…d…d…do for what?" I asked her.

She just smiled and opened her designer purse, pulled out a business card and a pen, wrote something on the back of the card and handed it to me. "My name is Stephanie, Miley, and that is my home address and cell number. We have a date for Friday night…be at my house at seven sharp. Don't be late…I do not like tardiness." I took the card and swallowed hard as she walked away and after a few steps she turned and gave me a kind smile. "And wear something that would please me."

As she walked away I gulped…yes I actually did and I let out a long breath I did not realize I was holding. Date? Who the hell did she think she was? Just to approach me and ask me out the way she did was…well…hell! The damn never of her and the way she did it? She sounded like she was ordering me to go on a date with her! What kind of girl did she think I was? Plus she was older than me! God why do I attract the strange ones? Well screw her! I thought but then I placed her card in my purse. I know…I should have thrown it away…not to even think of her again and finish my shopping for Lilly. But I didn't…I was intrigued by her…her command, her beautiful looks, the way she just told me I was going out with her…all of it and for the first time since I met Lilly, my wonderful blonde friend was not on my mind. I left the mall and went home to think of what would happen if I went on a date with this complete stranger who seemed to suddenly to consume my mind.

Over the next few days before Friday evening I kept thinking of Stephanie. She was crazy…I mean just to tell me like that we had a date and not even seem to give me a choice…but…well…I could not get her off my mind. She was pretty, sexy, and just something about her. But there were cons to going out with her as well. I did not know her that well and when I tried to call her just to talk and get to know her she would just tell me that I would get to know her better on our date and that was it. No small talk, no getting to know her better…she just said a few words and hung up. The next was her age…I mean I was under eighteen and I did find out she was twenty five…that was illegal right? I was not supposed to date someone that age and she sure could not date me? I even looked online and was relieved…yes I was relieved the age of consent in our state was like sixteen…there laws were very unclear and confusing but one thing I got out of it was that a person over the age of twenty one who had sex with someone under sixteen was guilty of a crime. Well I was over sixteen so while society may not approve the law was ok with it…yeah they may have considered it statutory rape but well…umm…she seemed ok with it and I would never tell. That was of course if sex was involved. I was not going to just jump into bed with her. I learned my lesson with Heather. So maybe…just maybe a nice dinner date would be ok. What was the harm in that?

I then found myself even thinking about her sexually and she became my new fantasy when I masturbated. I would think of kissing her, her kissing me, me tasting her and her tasting me…and to my shame as I brought myself closer to orgasm I would even envision her slapping me and that thought brought me over the edge. As Friday came and I got home from school found myself going through my closet for something she would like to see me in. Lilly was back to dating Gabe again and they had a date so I had free time and figured why not…why mot see this intriguing woman and if it did not like it then I would end the date and that would be it.

I decided on something simple…just a pair of nice jeans and a red blouse. Keep it simple and casual…I mean I was wearing jeans when she approached me and she said I was attractive so yeah…that would work. Plus I had to admit…my butt was looking real cute as I got older and the jeans enhanced the shape. Yeah looked cute and she would be pleased. After I chose my outfit I took a shower and found myself wishing time would go by quickly so I could meet her.

I arrived at her house and saw it was not large but nice…looked like a two bedroom and newer. I walked to her front door debating if I should turn around and go home…I was scared…what was I doing? But my curiosity and do I dare admit it…desire to see her again…go the best of me and I rang the doorbell. It was soon answered my Stephanie and I smiled at her. She looked very nice and was also dressed casual in a pair of very stylish designer jeans and a green thin sweater that enhanced her eyes. She looked my up and down and frowned.

"I said something that pleases me…this does not please me. Go home and change and come back. When you come back you come to the back door not the front. Pets are not allowed in the front." She said and closed the door.

I stood three I know for at least ten minutes with my mouth hanging open. Who the freak did she think she was? Not pleased with me? I looked cute…damn cute! I styled my hair for her, applied the right amount of makeup, and well…I was cute! Well screw her! I walked back to my car and drove home. This lady was crazy! I got home and was teased by Jackson about being stood up…as he assumed…and went to my room. I through my purse on the bed and silently cursed this lady! And a pet? What the hell did she mean by that? Damn her! I sat on my bed and wanted to cry…then I thought the hell if I was going to let her treat me like this! I was tired of being treating like this! I was going back over there and going to give her a piece of my mind. But for some reason I changed clothes first…I never could explain it but I did. I changed into a nice blue sundress and went back over to this crazy person's house.

I walked to the front door and then remembered she said to use the back…ok that was not to strange. We had a saying in the Tennessee…"Back door guests are the best." So I went around back and knocked. She came to the door, smirked as she looked me up and down and frowned.

"No this does not please me either…change! This time you have one hour to come back." She closed the door again.

ARGH!!!! No freaking way! She did not even give me time to tell her off. I reached up and was going to knock on the door and tell her to forget it…but I didn't. Something in her voice made me frightened and well…I was kind of excited about how she just ordered me around…but not enough to put up with this nonsense! I was going home and that was it! I would call Lilly and ask her to spend the night with me when she got finished with her date. This Stephanie bitch was just nuts! Go home and change...well screw her!

I went home and avoided my brother as I made it to my room without being seen. I looked at the clock and saw that if I did change and go back then I had about ten minutes to get dressed…fuck it! I yelled and changed into a red sundress this time. It was way cuter and Lilly always said I looked hot in it so this had to be it. I wanted this Stephanie person to see I can look cute! I can be attractive! And…I wanted her to be pleased by the way I looked as well.

Once again I drove to her house and I had five minutes to spare when I knocked on her back door. She answered it to my smirking face…"yeah find something wrong now, bitch!" I thought. But my smirk turned into a frown.

"Miley…do you now know how to follow simple instructions? No…I am still not pleased. Now go home…we will not have our date tonight." She said coldly and closed the door again.

I cried with frustration and anger and hurt as I drove home. What is wrong with me? I…I looked cute! Why…why was she not pleased? I asked myself over and over as I drove. When I got home I went to my room, changed into my pajamas, and curled up with my favorite stuffed bear and cried. I did not even think to call Lilly as my mind went crazy at why someone….anyone…would not want to date me as I fell asleep.

An hour later my cell phone alerted me to a text and I grabbed it quickly thinking it was Lilly. To my shock and even disgust it was not…it was from Her!

_Miley…we will try this again. Next Friday night…wear something that pleases me._

That was all she said…no I am sorry or any other explanation…I deleted the message…she had her chance!


	6. Chapter 6

Over the next several days my life went on almost as normal…well normal for me. Lilly and I hung out as much as possible when that horrible Gabe did not take up her time and of course school went as normal as I got picked on a couple of times but Lilly was always there to protect me. The torments were just verbal comments made while I walked the halls and nothing serious…nothing I could not bury deep inside me so it was just typical high school things for me. But one thing was not normal…Stephanie.

I could not get her out of my thoughts…I was angry at what she did and how she just dismissed me like I was her servant and not her date or someone she was interested in and then the nerve of her to have the gall to ask me out once again! But also…I was still intrigued by her and how she acted…her confidence and authority made me think about her and not in ways I really wanted to either. I thought about her in sexual ways…dirty shameful ways. I kept her a secret from Lilly. Yes I hated to and I know I broke a promise to Lilly for doing so since I promised her after the Hannah incident that I would not hide anything from her again but I just could not tell her how this stranger I just met acted to me and what she did and how I was still intrigued by her…and attracted to her I had to admit to myself. It hurt me to do so but I felt ashamed of it and I could not let Lilly know that…I could not let her be ashamed of me either. That would crush me to have the girl I adored and worshipped ashamed of me.

I was laying around my room on Wednesday afternoon after school thinking of Stephanie…who was consuming my thoughts of late. Lilly was at a soccer game that was an away game and some type of tournament all day so I was just letting this strange fascinating woman consume me. I even got up and started going through my outfits with the idea of playing a game…a what if game. What if I decided to go out on a date with her? What would she like for me to wear? After an hour I had my clothes all scattered in my room trying to think what she would like and could find nothing. I even went into my Hannah closet and still nothing. I was so confused! But why was I? It was just a game right? I was not really going to go out with her was I? After another hour I was sitting in the middle of the floor in my bedroom with my clothes lying around me, on the bed, and on the floor of my closet, and I was crying. I was in tears that I did not have anything that would please Stephanie! I thought about going shopping but I would not have known what to buy and that made me cry harder because I could not please her...I did not know how!

I finally wiped my eyes and grabbed my cell phone and sent a text. _What would please you for me to wear on our date? _I sent and waited. I was not going out with her…I mean I was just curious to see what she liked…well I kept telling myself that but I knew it was not true…I wanted to see her again and have a date with her. I lay back on my bed gripping my phone waiting for an answer. After about thirty minutes I go it.

_Now you are learning…good pet. The red sundress…you looked adorable in that. No sandals…heels. _The reply read. What! The red sundress! I had that on before when she told me to change! Oh this was just…just…ARGH! This was ridicules!

_But I wore that one…you sent me home_! I replied back to her and waited. It was another thirty minutes…I mean almost to the second!

_But you did not ask me! That was your one and only freebie since you are new…never question me again! See you Friday at 7pm…do not be late!_ Was her reply! Ask her? Freebie? Freebie for what? Since I was new? New to what? And never question her again? Oh this is it! I am done…she thinks she can control me just like that? Oh no…oh hell no! And this pet business….I smiled at that. Maybe that was her term of affection for me? I had heard others say such things before to someone they liked. I shouted in my head and sent another text.

_I won't…I promise. _What the freak was that? Why did I do that? I placed the phone down on my night stand and grabbed a pillow and placed it over my face and screamed out in frustration! Then I felt my hand ease down and slipped it under the waist of my shorts and panties and brought myself to orgasm as I thought of how Stephanie ordered me around by text and then I came with the thought of her slapping my face and spanking me for being naughty.

Friday came and I arrived at Stephanie's house and remembered to go around to the back do as she said the last time and knocked. I was wearing the red sundress and a pair of red heels. I once gain styles my hair to perfection and wore just the right amount of makeup and as I waited for her the come to the door I was shifting my feet nervously hoping I looked good enough for her…hoping I pleased her with my attire. I smiled at her when she opened the door and she just looked me up and down and motioned for me to come in.

I looked around the kitchen and saw it was clean and orderly and then I looked at her. She looked…lovely. Stephanie was wearing a simple black and white cocktail dress with black heels. The dress showed off all her wonderful curves. I gave her a grin that I new was goofy but I could not help it…it just came to my lips. I waited for her to give me a tour of the house or something but she just nodded and handed me a set of keys.

"Yes, you look acceptable this evening. You drive…I never drive with you. Our reservations for dinner are in forty five minutes." She said in a voice that was more order than anything else. And acceptable? What the hell! Yeah I knew I was not all that pretty…but damn it…I was cute!

"Umm…ok." I muttered as she led me out the door to her car. I got in and I saw Stephanie waiting by the passenger side door not moving. I rolled down the automatic windows and she gave me a cold stare.

"You are to open all doors for me…always."

OMG! What a diva! If I was dressed and going out as Hannah I would have _her_ opening my door! I thought but nodded, got out, and opened her door. I was not Hannah anymore. When she was all set and finally ready I followed her directions to the restaurant.

It was a very nice restaurant I had been to before; had lunch there when a reporter for Teen Vogue wanted to interview Hannah Montana. I knew it was very expensive and I was flattered she brought me here. When the waitress gave us our menus Stephanie took mine and told me she would order for me and the told the waitress to bring me a glass of water with lemon and diet soda for her. I felt…well…thrilled and excited and had to admit turned on a little by the way she took command and ordered for me. She ordered me a chicken dish, I kind of wanted steak. Other than that the dinner was very nice and after a while I got over my nervousness as we talked. Most of the conversation was directed to the subject of me and I liked that since other than Lilly no one else was really interested in me, but she seemed to be. I would ask her about herself, her family, her job, etc; but she kept steering the conversation back to me. What I liked, my school, what college I wanted to attend, any boyfriends or girlfriends. I ended up talking a lot about Lilly and she told me that was sweet I had a friend like her. After our long dinner conversation she paid and we left.

As we got to her car I almost got in and saw her standing by her door waiting for me to open it. I told her I was sorry that I forgot and she just smiled and told me I would learn not to forget. I had no idea what she meant so I just gave her a confused smile and opened her door. She told me to drive back to her house and I was disappointed…I was hoping for a movie or something else and I started to get nervous once again. Why were we going back to her house? Was she expecting something I was not ready to give her? God I hope not! Yes I wanted her…she made me excited and turned me on with her control and even her arrogance…but I did not want to be another one night stand again.

Once back at Stephanie's house I got out, opened her door, and she took my hand and led my to her front door. Once there she stopped and stared at me and I felt my knees get weak under that intense gaze and my personal parts started to tingle. I had a very bad feeling that if she pressed the issue I would have ended in her bed right then.

"You may kiss me now." Stephanie said in a commanding voice.

I swallowed hard and brought my arms up to wrap around her waist but she grabbed them and pinned them to my side…hard. I let out a small whimper…a mixture of slight pain, disappointment and arousal.

"I said you my kiss me, not put your arms around me. You have not earned the right to touch me with anything but your lips tonight." She said seductively but also harshly. "Now you even ruined your chance to kiss me by assuming you could touch me in another way. You may go home now." She finished as she let go of my arms.

I stood there frozen with fear of her, disappointment that I did not get my kiss, disappointment that she was not going to invite me in, and desire…I wanted her more now than anything. I gave another whimper as she walked into her house and shut her door leaving me on her front porch. After about five whole minutes I get in my car and drive home…I even cried a little about how the date turned out. Stephanie seemed to like me but now I just did not know. I doubted I would ever get a chance to find out.

I could not sleep that night. I kept playing the date in my mind. How she ordered me to drive, how she told me to always open the door for her, how she ordered my dinner, and then how she ordered me to kiss her…I liked it…hell I loved it and it made me much more attracted to her than I already was. And then her simple dismissal of me hurt…made me cry…but it also aroused me a great deal. Just as I was about to slip my hand into my pajama bottoms my cell phone alerted me to a text. I knew it was not Lilly because I had a special ring tone for her on her calls and text messages. I sighed and decided to read it. I could also get myself off after I read the message. I glanced at the clock as I picked up my phone and saw it was after two in the morning. I flipped open my phone to read the text.

_I hope you had a pleasant evening, pet, and I look forward to out next date…next Friday. Maybe next time you will be more respectful of your place and get the kiss you so wanted. Be at my house 7pm…don't be late._

I excitedly text back, _yes I would like that…what should I wear?_

I waited and it was only a matter of minutes, _tomorrow you will provide me with a list of your outfits. Email them to me…I want complete descriptions. I will decide once I look over the email. And, pet, do not do what I know you were thinking of doing…if you have not already. Never waste the pleasure._

OMG! I was blushing at the text as I wrote down her email address she included…how did she know what I was going to do? Why would she stop me? I was so embarrassed! But I listened to her…why I did not know…she never would have know…but I still did as she asked me. And tomorrow I would send her the email of my outfits…why? I did not know but I liked her game and thought it was exciting and would add to our next date. A date I really did not think I would get.


	7. Chapter 7

The week passed slowly for me and I could barley stand it! I was waiting for Friday night and my second…or was it the third…date. I mean did the first one truly count…the one where I was sent home three times to change clothes? Yeah I counted it if only for one reason; I counted it because I wanted to have sex with Stephanie something awful and if I counted the first "date" I would not think of myself as such a whore for having sex on the third date. Ok…I really did not think of myself as a whore…I mean I was almost seventeen and only had sex with two people and really only kissed two people in my life…if you don't count Lilly. Well I did bit she didn't.

I had kissed Lilly several times over the years of our friendship…I mean kissed. Not the simple chaste pecks on her cheek or lips friends give one another (well girlfriends….boys don't show emotions like girls do) but real passion filled kisses. Each time she would gently push me away and smile and tell me I did not feel that way about her and she did not feel that way about me…or any other girl. I accepted it because I knew it was true…I loved her with my heart and soul but it was a deep friendship love. Lilly never freaked out about those kisses and was always so kind…why did I do it? I don't know…I think it was just to feel that much closer to her…I wanted to be as close to her as possible.

So that was me…a truly inexperienced girl who was thinking of herself as a slut…a whore…for wanting to have sex with Stephanie so bad. But was I? I don't think so but after my one night stand with Heather I was beginning to think if I allowed Stephanie to take me to her bed on the second date then maybe I was. But she was different…she wanted to go out with me some more and from her text and emails she seemed to be looking for something more long term. But why me? That I could not understand.

She was so pretty and full of confidence and even her arrogance was attractive to me. I had to admit I loved the way she ordered me around and told me what to do…I mean really what is the harm in that? I did not see any harm in her ordering my dinner, me opening the door for her…or any of it. That was what you do for dates right? I mean my dad always used to open the door for my mom and he even taught Jackson to treat women with respect so that was just being polite and respectful. As for the clothes thing…yeah I liked that as well. I mean she wanted me to look nice so again no harm no foul. Plus it was kind of sexy and it was a fun game to play with her. I would let her play her game and play along with her…it was fun and different and I liked it. But once more I thought why me?

I mean…me? I am cute…I will give you that, but that is all I am…a cute geeky dork outsider who does not fit in with anyone, who has one friend in her life (granted that friend is just the best in the world, but I have no others like Lilly does), and I am only 16 ½….ok I will be seventeen in two months…but still she is older than me. I did not see the problem with that either…another thing I found exciting and even sexy as well…the older woman seducing the younger girl…that was an exciting thought to me. But I still had not idea why she wanted to go out with me. Stephanie was way out of my league, but I did not question it much…I was too afraid if I did she would see me for who I truly was. I teenage girl who was so confused about who she was and felt she had no place in life…a girl that was awkward, a klutz at times, shy, a social outcast among her peers, and a girl who felt her true self would never be discovered.

I sent Stephanie the email she requested about my clothes, gave her complete descriptions, and even informed her which tops I matched with what bottoms. I did leave out my Hannah clothes that were in my Hannah closet. Hannah was dead to me and I really did not know if I ever wanted to resurrect her. Two days later Stephanie sent me a text telling me to wear my black skirt (while short was not really a mini skirt), to purchase some black thigh high stocking, to wear my black heels, and a pair of bikini bottom black panties and matching bra. She told me not to worry about the top since she would provide that for me…as a gift. I got excited…she was buying me a present…that was sweet. I did have to purchase the underwear and thigh highs…which I never wore before and discovered I would never go back to panty hose…thigh highs were so much more comfortable and sexy! Yes I even obeyed her and denied myself the self pleasure my body craved every time I thought of Stephanie and her control over me…yes I came to the realization she did have some type of power over me and it was a power I enjoyed. A game I was beginning to enjoy playing with her.

So Friday came and I rushed home after school and in my excitement to see Stephanie I even told my precious Lilly I could not go to the movies with her. I impatiently waited and kept looking at the clock wishing it to move faster. When the time was right I took a shower and washed myself very well, did my hair and makeup…I decided to wear my hair up tonight because I thought it made me look less of a teenage girl and well…sexier. I then dressed as Stephanie told me and thought I did look very cute and then left the house to meet my date…the girl I was becoming very attracted to and even…well obsessed with. I was obsessed with her looks, her domineering personality, and even her fun game of ordering me around.

Stephanie opened her back door and motioned me to come in and I hesitated for a moment as I soaked in her looks. She was wearing simple tight black leather pants, a red blouse, and heels…at least 6 inch heels that made her already taller form tower over me. She looked hot and sexy and the first thought that came to my mind was yes if she even hinted at it I would end up in her bed tonight. I smiled and walked into the kitchen and looked around. There were vegetables on the counter, spices in their small containers, and other cooking supplies. I smiled as I thought how romantic…she was going to cook for me. My fantasies were interrupted by her commanding voice.

"Come, pet, I have your top for the evening in the other room. You will need my help with it." She ordered and I just nodded and followed her.

I followed her to what I assumed was the guest bedroom…it was too small to be the master bedroom…and she took off the inside door the top I was to wear for the night. It was still on a hanger and she handed it to me. It was a red corset with black designs embodied in an intricate pattern. I had worn corsets before as Hannah over other tops like tee shirts but nothing like this one. I understood why she said I needed her help with it. I laced up in the back. The one I had had a zipper in the front and was not as revealing as this one. I swallowed hard at the thought of wearing it but took it form her and waited for Stephanie to leave the room so I could change; I would call her back when I was ready for it to be laced up.

"Well, hurry up…I want to eat before nine." She said sternly.

"I…well…umm…aren't you…aren't you going to leave so I can change." I muttered out.

"God…don't be silly, girl. Like I have never seen a girl topless before." Stephanie smirked and roughly pulled the tee shirt I had on over my head as I gave a small whimper of embarrassment. She then unhooked my bra and pulled it off just as rough as my hands flew up to cover my small developing breasts. I could feel the heat wash over my body as I blushed.

"Drop your hands, Miley."

I shook my head and she pried my hands of my breasts with little resistant. Yeah I did want her to see…to look at me and I had to admit that her roughness and her taking my shirt and bra off like she did excited me but I did not want her to know it.

"Keep your hands at your sides…do not dare touch me or I will send you home again." She commanded. I gave her a whimpering yes. That was the last thing I wanted…to go home.

Stephanie looked at my breasts and gave a slight smile as her hands came up and cupped them and her fingers touched my nipples. I let out a moan of pleasure and almost grabbed her to pull her to me but I remembered her rule to our game. I gasped as she started fondling my nipples with her thumb and forefinger and I felt them tighten almost painfully. God it felt so good and I wanted her so bad. The wetness between my legs I know was soaking my panties. The suddenly I let out a small cry and whimper of pain as she pinched them hard and almost fell back. God it hurt…but also felt so good. I would have let her take me right then if she wanted me.

"Umm…nice and responsive." She smirked, "Now turn around so we can get you dressed. You still have a dinner to cook for me. I trust you know how to cook?" She said as she turned me around.

"I…umm…yes…I…I can cook." I gave a very disappointed reply. I wanted her to keep playing with me…to give my nipples another painful pinch. But I was denied as Stephanie put the corset on my body.

"Grab the bed post, Miley, so I can get it nice and tight."

I grabbed the tall thick bed post and held on as she pulled the laces of the corset tight. I grunted as she kept pulling and lacing and when she was down I felt like I could hardly breathe and she turned me around and smiled at me. "Yes…you do look very sexy tonight. Is it too tight?"

I bit my lower lip and nodded and she laughed…she just laughed at me. "You'll get used to it. Not you may admire yourself in the mirror and then you will come cook our dinner." She smirked and left the room. I stood there taking deep breaths trying to get used to the tightness around my upper body and then walked to the mirror and I just had to let out a smile. I did look sexy…I had to admit that. The corset was tied tight and the way it was cut made my small breasts look like I actually had cleavage. I thought I could get used to this as I made my way back into the kitchen.

Stephanie was sitting at the table reading a magazine when I walked in and then looked at me. "Well, let's test your cooking skills, Miley. I have already put the roast in the oven all you need to do is make the salad and cut the vegetables and then set the table. We will be informal and eat in here this evening."

"Umm…ok." I muttered. Why not I thought, I don't mind helping out. She already really did the hard part. I started doing as she said and with the salad ready and the vegetables on the stove I rummaged in the cabinets and the drawers to find the plates and utensils to set the table with. Every once in a while I would nervously glance at Stephanie and she would give me an amused smile that made me feel good.

As I set her kitchen table for two she just watched me and when done she shook her head. "What do you think you have done?" She asked in a stern voice.

"Umm…I…I set the table. You said we were eating in here…umm…did I do something wrong?" I was worried…worried I did not please her and for some reason that made me a little sad.

"Of course you did, silly girl. You don't eat at the table with me. You do not deserve that privilege to sit at the table with me in my own home."

"Sorry…I…I don't understand?" I asked. I was confused. Not eating at the table? Don't deserve that privilege? What the heck was she talking about?

"Move your plate and utensils on the floor, Miley. When you earn it I will start allowing you to set up the small kiddies table I have for my pets."

What the hell? Eat on the floor? She is freaking crazy! Her game was getting a little out there right now! "I…I…maybe I should just go? I…I think that is stupid." I said softly.

Stephanie shrugged, "Then leave. I am not stopping you. But if you leave then I will never tell you to go on another date with me again. You walk out that door tonight and you will never see me again, Miley."

Wow! Just like that? If I don't play her game she was not going to date me. I stood there for a moment debating what to do. I liked her…I liked her a hell of a lot! I got a shameful thrill of excitement playing her controlling game, but to be humiliated and having to eat on the floor was just going a little overboard…right? I mean…well…damn! I moved my plate, glass, fork, knife, and spoon to the floor. I would play her game a little longer…just to see how far she would go…and how far I would go.

During dinner I knelt on the floor and ate as Stephanie sat at the table and made small talk with me. Again she asked me about me and I liked it. I liked her wanting to know about me and her interest. When I asked her about things some she answered and some she just ignored me again. She told me about her job, where she was from, and some other common things to talk about. When I would ask about her family she would just smile and tell me her pet did not need to know those things. Her pet? I kind of liked that term of affection she had for me and I would blush and smile every time she called me that. After dinner she told me to clean up the kitchen and meet her in the den.

After I cleaned her kitchen I walked into the den and she was sitting on the couch shuffling papers around and smiled at me. She set them aside and told me they were things for her work she would finish later and motioned me to sit on the floor at her feet. I did as she asked…or told…I was still confused one that. One I sat down she started running her fingers through my long hair and I liked it…it felt good and sensual and I was getting more aroused than I was before. After a long moment of silence she pulled my hair back and I whimpered but also felt the familiar desire for her to pull harder like I did with Heather.

"Dinner was nice and so far you have proved you know your way around the kitchen even if it had been simple things and you have obeyed nicely. My pet deserves a treat. You may kiss me now." She said in a seductive but commanding tone as she let go of my hair.

I turned my body and got higher on my knees and placed myself between her spread legs and leaned in to kiss her. I kept my hands at my side this time…I badly wanted to kiss her…to do more with her. She did not move. Stephanie held her place and made me go to her but I did not care…I wanted to feel her lips…to taste them…I moved in and kissed her and soon she parted her lips and allowed my tongue to enter her mouth and soon I felt her tongue go into mine and I let out a gasp as she wrapped her hands around me and pulled me closer to her. Wow! It was wonderful! We kissed for a long time as her hands roamed over my body and up my skirt to grab my butt and pull me closer to her. I so much wanted to put my arms around her but I was afraid if I did she would get mad and send me home again. I did not want to go home. Soon…to soon for me…she pulled back and grinned.

"Well you are a very nice kisser, Miley. I am going to give you a choice tonight. We continue this in the bedroom or we stop and you go home and we have another date next Friday. It is your choice…the first time is up to you. After that you will no longer have a choice of when I take you. So make sure it is what you want."

I swallowed hard. My mind was going crazy with the thought of having sex with her as was my body. I wanted her…I wanted her to take me and even pull my hair again. I really did not understand her words about taking me whenever she wanted but I did understand the first time and another date! I was not going to be a one night stand for her…she really liked me and that thought made me feel good…very good…about myself.

"Umm…I…I would like…I want to continue." I said with a shy smile.

"Splendid! I had hoped you would." She grinned, "Now help me stand and I will begin your training."

"Umm…ok." I said as I got up and helped her to her feet. "Stephanie, I…I have been with another girl before." I said blushing. I thought that she may have thought I was a virgin to girls with her training comment.

She just gave me another one of her amused looks and led me to the bedroom where I changed into my corset. On the way to the bedroom all I could think about was seeing her naked and kissing her and running my hands all over her body and tasting her and pleasing her. I did ask why the guest room and she just smiled and told me I had to earn the right to visit her bedroom. I did not know what she meant but I was going to do my best to earn that right tonight. I did not know why…but I wanted to make her happy and for her to be pleased with me. Once in the room she let go of my hand and told me to stand in the center of the room. She turned me around and started to unlace my corset but did not take it off. When it was loose she turned me back around and she sat on the bed.

"Strip." She ordered.

I blushed…I blushed hard. It was one thing to have your clothes taken off in the heat of passion but to take them off while someone watched was something totally different. I stood there biting my lower lip.

"Miley, I will tell you one more time. Take them off…slow but no stupid strip tease. Just nice and slow and start with your skirt, then heels, then top, and then your panties. I want you to leave you thigh highs on. Do it now or I will become angry." She said calmly.

"O…Ok." I said. I did not want her to send me home again…I guess that was what she meant by becoming angry. I slowly took off my clothes in the order she instructed with trembling hands. I was nervous under her intense gaze and I was uncomfortable of how she ogled me. I was very self conscience about my body. When I was naked I hand arm crossed over my chest to cover my breasts and the other hand covering between my legs.

"Move your hands, Miley. I want to see you." Stephanie said in that voice of command. Slowly I did as she told me and stood there trembling and hoping she liked what she saw.

"Turn." She said and I did. I was embarrassed but also once again turned on by how she was treating me. She looked at me like she was contemplating on buying me.

After I turned around I gave her a small smile. "Very nice, Miley. You should not be ashamed of your body. It is very pretty and sexy. One thing you must do through is shave your pubic hair. Next time I see you naked I expect you to be clean shaven and not just trimmed. You will always be clean shaven…I actually prefer you to get the area waxed. I don't like stubble. Other than that I am very pleased. Now come sit next to me."

I blushed at her complement and how she told me to be free of hair as I walked over to her and sat down. She started touching my nipples and I moaned at the pleasurable sensation. Soon I felt her spread my legs and Stephanie started running her fingers in a circular motion on my inner thigh close to my most intimate part, which was very wet. I let out a soft whimper of pleasure at her touch and closed my eyes to enjoy the pleasurable tease she was giving me.

"Do you trust me, Miley?" She whispered in my ear.

"Y…yes." I let out in a barely audible voice.

"Tell me you trust me, my pet." She whispered again.

"I…I trust you." Again I barely heard myself as she continued her teasing.

"Good…it is important you trust me tonight…and all the time we will spend together." She said and laid me down on the bed; I did not protest.

"Place your arms above you head, my pet, and place your hand together and close your eyes." She said as her hands played with my erect nipples driving me wild…God it felt so good! I did as she asked.

I felt her move off the bed and then sit back down again as she grabbed my wrists and pulled my arms harder above my head. I whimpered, squirmed, and opened my eyes when I felt something cold tighten hard on my wrists and heard the clicking sound. I looked up and saw my hands were cuffed together and the chain of the hand cuffs was looped through the bed frame. I squirmed and struggled as my eyes went wide with fear.

"Please…please let me go! You're…your scarring me! I…I don't like this game anymore." I begged as I trashed on the bed trying to free myself from my bondage.

Stephanie started stroking my hair in a soothing gesture and I admit it calmed me some. I was still scared but I stopped trashing about. "Shhh…hush, my sweet pet, trust me…you said you trusted me and this is not a game, my dear Miley." She leaned down and kissed my lips gently as I whimpered at her words. She pulled back and smiled at me. "No, my sweet, this is not game. You pleased me tonight with dinner and how well behaved you acted and now I am going to please you. Normally I would not give you this pleasure just for cooking what little you did or for your behavior that I will expect from you from now on…but you are a new toy and I will allow you this." She kissed me again…just a soft gentle kiss and pulled back. "You have yet to earn the right to touch me…but I will allow you to see me naked." With that she stood up and took off her clothes.

I was still scared…being cuffed it an almost strangers bed and with her words I did not really understand, but I could not take my eyes off her body as she removed her clothes. It was wonderful. She was not thin like society dictates woman to be but she was not fat either…her large round breasts were firm and tipped with rose colored nipples, her but was larger than mine but also firm and did not sag, and her intimate area was free from hair and now I could see why she wanted mine like that…it looked so sexy! Stephanie smiled at me.

"Well I am glad you like what you see…maybe one day you will earn the right to touch me." She taunted me and then she reached under the bed and pulled out a black nylon rope. "Place your feet on the bed and spread your legs, Miley." She ordered.

I was past the point of protesting…first what good would it have done. She had my cuffed to the bed and could do what ever she wanted with me and second…God I wanted her and to please her and if listening to her was going to help me "earn" that I would. So I did as she told me. She then sat back on the bed and grabbed my legs, pulled them off the bed and with complicated knots and twists of the rope I soon found my legs bound up so my heels were touching my butt, my thighs spread wide, and the ropes (I found out it was two ropes) tied to the bed post so tight I could not even move my legs as I squirmed and twisted again trying to get free as fear gripped me once more. Stephanie just chuckled at my antics.

"Now don't go anywhere, my pet, I shall be right back." She said in and amusing tone.

"Nooo! Please…please let me go. I…I'm scared…please." I begged and she turned as she stood in the doorway.

"Trust, Miley…you must trust me." She smiled and left the room. I started crying…not sobbing…but tears came down my face in my fear. What was she going to do to me? Why did I let her do this to me? Oh God I was afraid…what if she…she killed me? No one knew where I was at! I told not one! What is she is a serial murderer that preys in young girls? Oh God what did I get myself into. I wanted to scream but was to afraid to. Lilly made me watch those horrible movies that gave me nightmares about the victims who scream and it just makes it worse for them; so I just lay there, like I had a choice, and cried.

"Miley, why are you crying, my pet?" My head snaps back to the door and I see Stephanie walk back in.

"I…I'm scared." I manage to get out and she laughs as she sits back on the bed and runs her hand through my hair again in a gentle manner. It calmed me some…I don't know why but it did.

"Shhh…I told you to trust me. I am going to give you pleasure, Miley. Trust me." She kissed me again and when she pulled back I nodded as I bit my lower lip. Her gentle touches and voice soothed me and I did trust her…even trussed up like I was.

She pulled back and in showed me her right hand and in her hand was a small pink vibrator. Yeah I knew what it was…I was not that naive. I never used one or any toy and the thought made me excited again…and to my shame so did being bound as I was. Stephanie started kissing my nipples and it them gently at first and then harder and I gasped at the pain and pleasure it caused me. She bit then hard and it hurt…but damn it felt good. She then turned the vibrator on and placed it on my already throbbing clit and I screamed at the pleasure. Oh it felt so good! I had to get me one of these! It was not long as before I felt my own juices start wetting my thighs as she continued that pleasurable torment on my clit and nipples. I was crying aloud and screaming how good it felt.

"Don't come until you ask me, Miley!" Stephanie commanded. All I could do was moan out a inaudible yes as she worked me closer the that wonderful release. I was getting closer and closer and then she placed first one and then two and then three fingers inside me! Oh that was it…I could not take it anymore.

"Please…please let me come…I…I can't control it!" I shouted out in my pleasure.

"No! Control it, Miley…hold it! Count to ten!" Stephanie yelled.

"I…I can't…oh God…I can't!" I screamed out at the intense pleasure.

"Yes! Hold it and count or I will stop and send you home!"

Oh God…it felt good…I wanted to come so bad…worse than I ever felt before. I did not want her to stop! I did not want to go home. I wanted to stay with her…all night. To stay tied up like this all night and let her use my body anyway she wanted. I was going to do my best to please her!

"One…t…two…" Oh damn it felt so good. "T…three..f..f..four…five…s..six…" oh I could not hold it for much longer. I struggled and clinched my teeth and fought and tried to think of something…anything…not to come but it was not doing any good. I had to come…I needed to come!

"Count, Miley! Count or I stop it! Control it...hold it!" Stephanie yelled again.

"S…s…seven….e…eight…e…eight…" Oh no! What came after eight! I forgot how to count! I could not think of the next number! She was going to stop if I could not think of it. What the fuck came after eight! "E…eight…" I moaned out again. God what came after eight!

"Ten, Miley! Say ten!" Stephanie screamed at me and slapped my face hard. Oh did it hurt but the pleasure of it sent me over the edge.

"TEEEEEEN!" I screamed as my orgasm hit me. I felt my body tighten against my bonds and my thighs quiver as my pussy convulsed. I came and came and came as I gasped for breath. I did not know how long the pleasure lasted and I did not care…I wanted it to last forever. But finally the pleasure stopped and my body calmed down. When done Stephanie roughly placed her fingers in my mouth and told me to lick them clean. I did…I loved the taste of myself.

When she was satisfied I cleaned her fingers enough Stephanie got off the bed and got dressed. Once dressed she smiled at me, "I am going to leave you for a moment. I will be back to untie you soon."

"No…please…don't leave…please let me do you! Please let me please you!" I begged as she walked to the door. She turned and gave me that arrogant smirk.

"I told you, my pet, you have to earn it."

"How…please…please tell me how! I will…I swear I will…just…just let me taste you…please." I was begging and almost in tears.

"You will see…you will have plenty of chances to earn it." She laughed and walked from the room.

I lay there trussed up and waited for her to return. My mind kept thinking of ways I could earn the right to touch her…anything…I would do anything to be able to touch her I thought. I did not know how long I waited but soon my leg muscles started to get tight I was knew I was going to cramp up soon as I tried to twist myself to get some type of relief but it did not work. Luckily she came back in the room and untied me and then uncuffed me. I was massaging my legs and she told me to get dressed and meet her in the kitchen. She said I did not have to put the corset on but I was to take it home with me. I was disappointed she seemed to be sending me home again. I wanted to show her I could earn the right to touch her.

I got dressed and walked on shaky legs to the kitchen and saw Stephanie sitting at the table with an envelope in her hand. "Kneel before me, Miley." She commanded.

I gave her a look of uncertainty but decided to play along and got on my knees before her. Hell…why not. She gave me the best orgasm of my life so I guess I owed her. She handed me the envelope.

"Do not read that until you get home. But inside are a list of websites I want you to read and a list of rules. Only five of them for now but we will add more later. The first one is you will no longer address me as Stephanie. You will address me as either Mistress or M'am. Understood?"

I swallowed hard, "I…yeah…I think."

"You think what?" She yelled.

"I…I think, m'am?" I was confused and it came out as a question.

"Better. I told you this was not a game, Miley. I want you for my pet…my play toy, my slave, my submissive. You go home and read these rules and look at the websites. You have until noon Sunday to give me your answer. A minute past noon and it is too late and I will never see you again. Like I said…this is no game but lifestyle choice and one I enjoy and want. If you agree I will start my training of you. The training will not be easy and you will learn to please me and put me first. Any time I am not pleased or you break my rules you will be punished and that punishment will include pain. When I am pleased then you get pleasure. Now go home and give me your answer by noon Sunday."

And that was it…I was sent home still confused about what she told me. As I drove home I thought how I would do as she asked…no as she told me. I did not know what I was going to do after I looked over these so called rules and the websites but for now I was curious to see what "lifestyle" she was talking about.


	8. Chapter 8

I got home and rushed to my room as my curiosity was getting the better of me. I still did not really understand what Stephanie had told me…yeah a little was sinking in…I mean she wanted me to call me mistress or m'am but what the hell was that about? Was that a pet nickname she wanted me to call her like how she kept referring to me as "her pet"? And rules and punishment if I disobeyed them…what the heck was that about? And did I hear her right…did she mention pain? I just did not understand what she wanted of me. The only two things I did understand were she wanted to keep seeing me and for that I was happy…more than happy. It thrilled me! She actually liked me and I was not just a one night stand for her! She wanted a relationship with me! And the other thing I understood was that she gave me the best physical pleasure I ever got before. Was it because she handcuffed me and tied me up? Was it how she controlled me? I had to admit those to things made me fell like I never felt before. Not just the physical excitement and arousal that was just incredible but also the emotional and mental part. I loved how it made me feel and of course the orgasm she gave me was mind shattering. I know this may sound weird because it sounds weird to me but on my date and the way she ordered me around, how I cooked and cleaned for her, how she took control of me and not just the wonderful sex…all of it. It made me feel…alive! It made me feel like a different person...not like Hannah…but the real me and I wanted more of it. I wanted to feel the real me again so I was going to look at her so called "rules" and the websites she gave me and see just what I was getting myself into.

The first thing I did was read the rules.

_My pet, below are five simple rules you must obey at all times. Failure to obey them will result in disciplinary action to correct your mistakes so they will not happen again. I will be upfront with you as always and let you know sometimes the punishment will be the infliction of pain. Not all the time since there are so many ways to punish misbehavior. Read these five rules and if you decide to become my pet commit them to memory and always obey them. There will be more rules in the future and some will change. You will learn to serve me and I will train you to give me pleasure both sexually and non- sexually._

_You will always show me respect and address me as Mistress or M'am. You will never show familiarity and address me by my name only even in public._

_When in my presence you will kneel before me at all times until I give your permission to stand and orders to do something else._

_You will always obey me and my orders and requests without complaint or questions. My first order is to never give yourself sexual pleasure unless I approve it and allow it._

_You will never touch me unless I give you permission but I will to touch you anytime I desire and in anyway_

_My happiness, pleasure, and needs come first above your own. When I require something of you it will given by you without question regardless of time of day or night or what you are doing. When I send you a text message requesting your service you will not hesitate to obey me. I come first in your life and I control you._

_You have until noon Sunday to give me your decision. If you are to become my pet then you will obey these rules and as your Mistress I will train you to please me but also I will protect you and care for you. If you chose this lifestyle with me then you are mine and your body and mind belong to me to do with as I please. _

_Do not call me…you are to never call me. Give me your answer in a text._

_With affection,_

_Mistress Stephanie_

I read the rules at least ten times and felt fear that I had gotten mixed up with a very strange person…I had become very attracted to some crazy lady with a god complex. But as I read them another thing went through my mind…sure I was curious but it was more than that. I was actually fantasizing about being "owned" by her and the things I would do for her. Oh I was sure some of the rules were just her flexing her power and did not mean it. I mean…the kneeling at all times had to be just amusement on her part to see how far I would go just as the rule about sending me a text message anytime day or night requesting something…yeah like she would really do that. Yes the thought of me sitting in my room one afternoon after school and getting a text from her to come over and have sex did turn me on and that would be fun…a lot of fun. But seriously…I mean how far could she really go with that? I next decided to look at the websites she listed.

The first website was a published clinical physiology paper on the need of a submissive to be dominated and the need of a dominant to dominate the submissive. I not only found it an interesting read but was I read it I saw a lot of myself in there. The need to please that I have…that I have always had now and when growing up. The need to follow and have rules and a structure I saw in myself. I was never a rule breaker even when little. I obeyed my parents and after my mom's death I obeyed my dad. Yes there were times when I would break curfew or even sneak out of the house when Lilly would drag me with her to a party or something after I should have been in bed and I went willingly, but if caught I not only expected punishment but would accept it. Was I truly a submissive as the information I read hinted at? Well I always knew I had submissive tendencies. That was easy for me to figure out, but as I read I knew it was much more even when I tried to doubt myself when I compared the case studies on the online document to myself. As much as I did not want to admit it the people in the case studies were…well…me.

It went on to mention just because a submissive or dominant person involved in the lifestyle of Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism (BDSM for short) does not mean that person had a traumatic childhood or was abused (that I agreed on since while I had some traumatic things in my life such as my mom dying I was a well loved child by her and my dad). I thought then that a dominant was a person who just liked to abuse people but as the document read and I quote here - "_An abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A BDSM dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive._" I liked that idea. To me it meant Stephanie really may have care for me. I kept reading. _"Dominating your partners does not mean that you don't want to please them. It is not always, or even usually, true that a dominant is interested in his own gratification rather than his submissive's. In fact, many dominants are driven as much by their desire to please their partner as by anything else; the psychology of a healthy BDSM relationship is driven by the submissive as well as by the dominant, and a dominant can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the submissive just as easily as the submissive can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the dominant. This kind of thing is not one-directional."_ Yes that was appealing to me. A few other things I read about the dynamics of the relationship I found very interesting on the role of the submissive.

_Believe it or not, the dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often __**driven by the submissive**__, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It's the dominant's job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies. (As an aside, it's important to note that these limits can change over time. It may be that something that used to sound like it wouldn't be fun or interesting might in the future tickle your fancy; and that things you enjoy now, you may not necessarily enjoy in the future. People change over time. It's important, when you explore BDSM, to remember that, and to make a habit of talking to your partner about things you like and don't like as those things change.)_

I found that interesting as well but still thought maybe it was just a reason for someone to abuse another person. I was not a total innocent and heard of these things before or saw then referenced in movies and of course I have driven by the local sex shop a number of times so I continued to read more as my curiosity was getting the best of me…as well as I had to admit so was the fantasies that started to enter my mind. But still…from what I read so far it seemed like most of the BDSM relationship dynamics were geared to the submissive's benefit. Yeah right? I mean punishing someone with pain or spanking someone…even through that idea had always appealed to me to be spanked…not be considered abuse? The read was beginning to answer that question as well.

_**In a BDSM relationship, the submissive sets the limits.**__ A victim of abuse doesn't get a vote; the victim can't tell the abuser what to do, or how much to do it. A submissive sets all the limits--what kinds of things can be (and can't be!) done, how much, and for how long._

_And while we're on the subject of limits, there is more than one kind of limit in a BDSM relationship. Everybody has __**"hard" limits**__--things that they absolutely will not do, and will not even consider. Some people, for example, like to be tied up but don't like the idea of being whipped; if they won't allow themselves to be whipped, ever, that's a hard limit._

_There are also __**"soft" limits**__--things that someone won't do under ordinary circumstances, but will allow to be "forced" on him or her in the context of a particular scenario that's being acted out. Between soft limits and hard limits lies an interesting psychological territory to explore._

_**A submissive gets a way to opt out.**__ This may be a code word, or a sign of some sort; if the submissive uses it, he or she has had enough and the scene is over. An abuse victim doesn't tell the abuser when to stop_.

_For the most part, people who are into this kind of thing are remarkably well-adjusted. People involved in BDSM generally are neither abusive nor come from backgrounds where they were abused, because people with that kind of backgrounds aren't likely to be sexually turned on by giving someone else power over them. That doesn't mean that no BDSM relationship is abusive--since people are what they are, no form of human interaction is immune to abuse. But it does mean that the people you'll find in the BDSM community are, for the most part, very stable. (In fact, if you're going to get involved in this kind of stuff, it helps to have a cast-iron ego and a strong sense of self, particularly if you're a submissive.)_

_Some people think anyone interested in BDSM is suffering from some kind of past abuse. I think that the "BDSM interest=past abuse" assertion is most frequently made by people who don't understand what BDSM is. They see someone being flogged; they say "Oh! People in a BDSM relationship get hit; people in an abusive relationship get hit; ergo, BDSM is like an abusive relationship."_

_But the fact is, __**the **__**psychology**__** of a BDSM power exchange is vastly different from the psychology of abuse;**__ and in a BDSM relationship, the psychology is frequently driven by the limitations of the submissive, not the dominant. Typically, it is the submissive who says "This far and no farther"--which is entirely contradictory to the psychology of abuse._

_Now that is not saying that people into BDSM are never victims of abuse, of course. If you survey any arbitrary group of people--all lawyers, all redheads, all Toyota Camry owners, and all BDSM participants--you'll find that some people in that group are abuse survivors. But that doesn't imply a direct connection between abuse and the practice of law, or hair color, or choice of transportation...or BDSM._

_The psychiatric profession agrees, In fact, according to the __DSM-IV__, the standard diagnostic reference text "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" published by the American Psychiatric Association, __The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning in order for sexual sadism or masochism to be considered a disorder._

_**BDSM is not what it looks like from the outside.**__ It's not just tying people up and having sex, and it's not just arbitrarily whipping people. That's very crude, and kind of boring. What it is is a sort of role-playing, where the people involved are acting out a fantasy that involves taking or giving up power. Sex is often involved, but not always._

_Many of the standard rules of BDSM apply doubly or triply to this kind of scenario. For example, using a "safeword"--a code word that means "Stop!"--is absolutely vital when you're experimenting with resistance play; one of the tenants of resistance play is that "no" does not mean "no," so you need a word that does_

_It also pays to negotiate the basic parameters in which you'll operate beforehand. Different people have different idea of what constitutes "force" or how rough "rough" is. If everyone involved isn't on the same page, someone may get hurt in a way that isn't so fun._

_It is fun, if that's your sort of thing. __**The experience of being flogged is nothing like what you imagine it would be like.**__ For the most part, it's more stimulating than painful. Ditto for the experience of acting out, say, a resistance-play fantasy_

_Besides, when you're sexually aroused, all kind of stimulation can be fun. Ever had a lover who left gouges in your back during sex? Or one who bites? It's very passionate and intense. If you're in the right frame of mind, even a flogging that leaves welts isn't really __painful__, precisely--not like stubbing your toe, or running into the edge of the bathroom wall at two o'clock in the morning because you didn't turn the light on. It's more like the lover who claws your back when she gets off.*_

The document went more and more the BDSM relationship and I read every word with intense interest. It took me close to two hours to read and I had to admit I found it interesting and very appealing as it explained the various relationship types in the BDSM word. Two of those were the 'Weekend players" and the Twenty four/seven relationships. The weekend players were people involved in the "play" on occasion maybe for exploring or spicing up their sex lives a little. The 24/7 relationship was a lifestyle choice. The submissive was a submissive 24/7 to his or her dominant. There were the difference in the type of submissive one was to be. The first was termed submissive and that was a submissive person who has more leeway in the relationship as opposed to a "slave". Referring to a slave is the submissive who is involved in a Total Power Exchange in the relationship. That is a relationship where one person consensually surrenders complete and total control to the other person. The defining factor of power exchange is the conscious, deliberate construction of a power dynamic in which at least one person assumes psychological control to some agreed-upon extent over at least one other person. The Dominant controls the submissive or slave 100%.

Yes it was all very interesting and exciting to me but it did bring up some questions I hoped Stephanie would answer for me before I even considered on agreeing to see her in this way. I then looked over the other websites and one was just a list of terms and their meaning and the other was titled "How to be the Perfect Slave" which just went into detail on ways to please your dominant. I read it as well and giggled at some of the ways, found some fascinating, and blushed hard at the others. I did find all of this interesting and had to admit…very arousing.

After I was done I looked at the clock and saw it was after three a.m. and decided to get some sleep. I grinned as I read Stephanie's…sorry…Mistress Stephanie's rules one more time and thought seriously of masturbating once again but remembered that in her list of rules she said that was not allowed without her permission and found myself obeying her and after several long minutes of tossing and turning due to my sexual frustration I finally drifted off to sleep.

As I slept I had dreams of Stephanie dominating me and using me as her sex toy and found them very pleasant. My eyes popped open as I woke up to someone shaking me.

"Get up sleepy head! It is almost noon and we are going to the beach!" I heard voice yell at me and looked over and smiled as I saw Lilly kneeling on my bed making me wake up.

"What time is it?" I asked as I stretched and yawned.

Lilly got off the bed and started going through my closet and tossed me my bikini. "Almost twelve…now hurry I told Oliver we would meet him at noon and we are going to be late." Oliver was one of our other friends…more hers than mine but he was nice and I liked him.

I got off the bed and felt the wetness from my dreams between my legs and blushed. "Do I have time to take a shower?"

Lilly shook her head at me, "Nope! We're just going to the beach, Miss. Prissy Britches, you don't need a shower. No hurry and get dressed."

I walk into the bathroom, ran a brush through my hair and changed into my swim suit. "Oh, Miles, how did your date go last night?" I heard Lilly say in a smirking tone.

I walked back into my room, "D…date? What…what do you mean?"

She was standing in the center of my room with her arms folded across her chest and glaring at me. "Oh, I talked to Jackson while you were in dream land. Why didn't you tell me you had a date and who was he?" She asked in a stern tone.

I started looking at my feet, which seemed to have a mind of their own as the shuffled on the floor. "I…well…if you must know it was not a he…it was a she and you don't know her and it did not go very well. I came home early." I lied to her. I hated to lie to her but I did not know how she would react that I was dating not only and older woman but what that older woman wanted in a relationship with me.

"Well you could have told me you know. I would have told you."

"Yeah…speaking of which how is ole Gabe doing? Can I only hope he was a jerk and you told him you never wanted to see him again?" I said maybe a little too harshly.

Lilly just smiled, she knew my dislike of her boyfriend, "Oh he is doing just wonderful and our date was great and no he acted like a perfect gentleman as always." She then gave me a mischievous look, "Well…not the entire night if you know what I mean."

I just rolled my eyes and walked to my chest of drawers to get a tee shirt and shorts to wear over my swimsuit. Yeah I knew what she meant and I hated it as I hated him!

As I was trying to select the color shorts I wanted when I look over my shoulder, "Lilly, umm…what…umm…what do you know about stuff like bondage and things like that?"

"Whoa…Miley, that was a strange question." She walked over to me, "What's going on, Miles? Did your date try to do anything you did not want to last night? I swear if she did I will find out her she is and beat the hell out of her! No one hurts my best friend and gets away with it!" She was becoming angry and while I found it very wonderful how her protective nature for me was revealing itself I had to let her know it was not like that.

"No, silly, she was nice and respectful…just not my type." I lied again. "I was just curious…I mean…we saw a movie and it was mentioning things like that and all kind of different weird sex stuff so I was just curious to ask you."

Lilly laughed, "God…no wonder she was not your type to take you to a move like that. I mean to think _you _of all people would like something that…well…that's sick and just crazy. Now hurry would you. And I mean it, Miles, if anyone ever hurts you I will kill them."

I smiled and had sudden desire to kiss her for her protectiveness of me but settled on hugging her. "I know, Lils, and I would never let anyone do that to me. I was just curious to see how you felt about it."

She hugged me back. "Well I think it is sick and only freaks do things like that." She pulled back and gave me a gentle push to hurry and get dressed, "I mean…some things like well…I let Gabe tie me up one time and it was fun and I tied him up and it was fun…but all the other stuff like beating someone and all that…is…well…just disgusting. Now hurry!"

I knew right then that whatever my choice was with Stephanie I could never tell Lilly. She could never find out about my date and if I decided to enter this relationship then I would have to hide it from her. I could not bear to have Lilly Truscott thinking I was disgusting or a freak. I would rather have my dad find out than her…that would hurt me way to much for Lilly to find out.

We went to the beach and all I could think about was the choice I had to make. It consumed me and my thoughts…everything. The websites that I read, the rules, Lilly's reaction, and of course Stephanie all of it was on my mind. That was not to say I did not have a good time regardless of the many times Lilly had to pull me out of my trance. Just being in her presence made me happy and I could just sit for hours without saying a word and bask in her being close to me. Later that night we went to a movie and still my mind was occupied by the decision I had to make and even later as I snuggled close to my best friend as she slept I was still thinking of what to do. I wished desperately for her opinion…wished I could talk to her about it, but I knew that was not an option. I was to ashamed for Lilly to know I was even thinking about entering into a relationship she saw as "sick" and I could not bear for her to think I was disgusting for even considering it so I said not a word as I hugged her while she slept.

We woke up the next day and Lilly had to leave since her and her mom were having a mother daughter day…I was invited of course but I declined since I really did not like to interfere with those because…well…I now knew how special those times could be alone with just you and your mom and not one else around regardless of how much you loved that third wheel. I wished for days like that again but I would never interfere in Lilly's. Plus I had a choice to make. It was ten in the morning when Lilly left and I decided to ask my questions and sent Stephanie a text.

**If I agreed to date you in this way would you want a 24/7 relationship with TPE (total power exchange) or just a girlfriend who likes to "play" slave girl every once in a while, M'am? **Yes I remembered the M'am.

I waited about thirty minutes as I paced the floor with nervousness. Maybe I should not have sent it? Maybe it made her mad? Oh I just ruined everything! But my phone chimed alerting me to a text. **I will allow you 3 questions. That was one. The answer is you would be my slave in a TPE relationship. You would not be my girlfriend…never mistake that! Nice to see you did your home work…that pleases me. Also do not use the word date. We don't "date". You would belong to me. We would go out on "dates" but you would only be my cute adorable accessory like a cute clutch purse that goes with a nice dress or a set of pretty earrings. **

I grinned that I pleased her…it made me feel good about myself. And she thought I was cute and adorable…that was sweet. The accessory thing and the dating thing…well not liking that much but after reading the websites I was understanding it better. I thought of the next question since I was limited to what I could ask. I so much would rather talk to her but she did say no phone calls.

**As your submissive it says I set the limits as to what is done. Do you respect that?**

Reply** – To a degree yes…when it comes to play time you are allowed your limits but as a 24/7 slave in a TPE relationship I own you…you have to know that or it will not work and we will not work and if you don't agree then you have made your choice whether you want to serve me or not. If you agree then we will test your limits to discover what they are…which will be pleasurable. As for the other things like…cleaning my house, picking up my dry cleaning etc…you have no choice.**

Umm…ok she was willing to allow me to set limits. As far as the cleaning and dry cleaning and etc…that would not be to bad right? I could do that.

Last question I had so I asked one that was important to me as I remembered her first text reply – **you mentioned I would not be your g/f. does that mean you have one already and I would just be…well…someone you have sex with?**

**Do not worry, pet, I do not do the g/f thing. That is not me. I only believe in owning one pet at a time. When you are ready I will introduce you to other pleasurable options.**

By the time I asked my three questions I saw it was eleven forty five and Stephanie even sent me a text to remind me time was running out. **Tick tock, dear pet**.

Ohhh God what was I doing? I took a deep breath and sent her a text back. The choice was made and it was a choice that changed my life forever.

**How may I please Mistress today**? I replied keeping in line with the things I read on the websites about how a submissive is to speak to their dominant.It was done. I agreed to keep seeing her. I mean if I didn't like it I could always just break up with her and end it so why not explore a little bit. Plus I really liked her…a great deal.

**Have you showered yet?**

**No, m'am. **I replied

**Never come to my house unclean…you have one hour to be here and don't be late. We start your training today.**

One hour! Damn! I closed my phone and ran to take the shortest shower of my life and as I was getting dressed in a pair of jeans and baby doll blouse I felt excited…very excited to see where this was going to lead. I did not even have time to dry my hair.

* this is really not a published paper. The thoughts are all mine but the mention of the DSM-IV is real.


	9. Chapter 9

I drove to my Mistress's house full of nervousness and even anticipation. I was nervous as to what she wanted of me today and the training she was going to start. After reading those websites I saw that some training and correcting of mistakes involved pain and Stephanie…I mean Mistress (needed to get used to that) even mentioned pain. I was worried about that but also the anticipation of what may happen also excited me. Was she going to tie me up and give me that wonderful orgasm like she did the previous date? God I hoped so! Was she going to allow me to touch her today? That I wanted more than anything…I wanted to kiss her and touch her and please her. I knew by her comments about me earning that right I had to be very good today and do as she said. I arrived with three minutes to spare and smiled at my punctuality and I made my way to her back door…not forgetting her telling me that I was never allowed through her front door. On the drive over I was thinking of the "limits" I was allowed to set for myself…per the websites that said as the submissive I got to control those. I was soon to learn how naïve I still was.

Mistress opened the door and I smiled as she waved me in with her hand. I was a little disappointed she did not hug me…I mean I told her I wanted a relationship with her so I thought it was the least she could do for me right? Remembering her rule I walked to the middle of her kitchen and kneeled with my head down waiting for her to tell me how glad she was I came over and wanted to be with her.

"You look like shit, Miley. Stand." She commanded and my smile dropped as I stood up. I wanted to cry…actually felt my eyes get watery. I knew I did not look my best. I knew I was not a very pretty girl but I was cute. I mean…what did she expect from me in such short notice?

"I detest my pet in jeans and pants. From now on you will only wear dresses or skirts. At all times…even when not with me. Understood?"

I loved jeans! "Y…yes, m'am." I answered.

"Good…now take them off." She ordered.

I swallowed hard and took off my sandals and then jeans and stood before her in a tee shirt and plain white cotton bikini panties. Yes my underwear collection was sorely lacking anything sexy. I blushed at this wishing I had some sexy panties to wear. I hated thongs but maybe some nice T backs or lacey low ride panties or some sexy lacy French Cuts that Lilly wore. But no…I was stuck with these plain cotton bikinis.

"Pull your panties down a little, Miley." Mistress commanded.

I blushed harder and did as I was told. For some reason I knew this was nothing sexual…it was more like an inspection. Her next words confirmed it.

"I believe I told you I wanted your pussy hairless did I not?" She sounded mad.

"I…I…I did not have time, M'am. I…I only had an hour to be here." I whimpered out in fear.

"I…I…I did not have time." She mocked me. "You had plenty of time, Miley! You had two days to get rid of that…that mess around your stupid cunt!" She yelled. If there was one word in the English language I detested more than any other word that was it. I hated that word.

"I…I am sorry…I…I did not think…"

"You did not think? You duty is not the think, Miley! You are to do as I say without thought! Is that understood?" Oh she was very angry and I was very scared. I felt a tear run down my check.

She sat down at the four chaired dinette table in her kitchen eating area and held out a piece of paper. "I am very disappointed in you, Miley. Well…take the paper, girl, don't stand there sniveling." I sniffled and took the paper and looked at it. It was a small grocery list. "Go to the store and pick these items up for our dinner tonight."

"Y…Yes, M'am." I muttered out and started putting my jeans back on.

"What the hell do you think you are doing, Miley? I told you that you are not to wear jeans or pants and you just deliberately disobey me!"

I drop my jeans, "But…but I don't have anything else to wear." I told her in a fearful voice. God I was just screwing everything up! This was going to be harder than I thought.

"Well you go dressed as that then. Now hurry you have wasted enough of my time already."

I stood there frozen at her words. Was she serious? I mean go to the store in just a tee shirt and panties? No way…I mean true it was Spring time in Malibu and hell I would see a lot of girls wearing swimsuits less revealing than my panties…but still those were swimsuits and not underwear. No…I just found my first limit. There was no way I was going out in public in just my underwear!

"I…I would like to say something…please." I asked in a soft voice.

She looked at me, "Speak."

"I…I think this is one of my limits…I…I mean I read that stuff online and it said I get to set the limits and this is one of them." I said with more confidence. I mean this was her game and I knew the rules so I felt better about it.

She laughed…Mistress laughed at me. "Oh so we are going to play that game are we. Fine!" She got up and walked to a drawer, opened it, pulled out a pad of paper and a pen, and handed them to me. "Kneel on the floor and write down your limits. We will discuss them when you are done." She said and walked from the room.

I knelt on the floor and wrote the first one – no going out in public in just my underwear. I then thought of the others I wanted and started to write. I won't list all of them since that would take to long but a few were no using the word "cunt" and while thinking I was remembering some of the terms used and wrote things like no blade play (the use of knives etc), not watersports (urine play…like being peed on…just gross and then added the other thing…to sick to mention here), no blood play (drawing of blood), not tattoos or branding, etc…the list was long when I got done. I called out that I was done. Mistress walked back in to the kitchen and snatched the papers from me…yes I had more than one page…and smiled at me.

"Stand and go into my pantry and bring me the bag of rice." She ordered and I nodded and did as she told me. I handed her the bag of rice and she opened it and poured some of the uncooked grains on the floor. "Kneel…with your knees in the rice." She ordered.

I swallowed and gently and slowly knelt in the rice. "You are being punished for you disobedience of not having a pubic area free from hair and also for being belligerent to me and your refusal to go to the store. I told you, Miley, you will never question me." She sat down at her table and started reading the rules.

This was punishment? How bad could it be? Well after about five minutes with those small grains digging into my knees the pain was becoming intense and regardless of how much I shifted the rice just dug deeper into my skin. After about seven or eight minutes I had tears running down my cheeks as Mistress just ignored me and read my list of limits. I saw her crossing out a lot of them.

"M…M…Mistress…p…please…it…it hurts." I whined out.

"Of course it does, Miley. Do you think punishment is something that should be enjoyed? No hush I am trying to read." She replied calmly.

I was quite for another two or three minutes…except for my whimpering. "Mistress…I…I…please…it hurts…I…I have a safe word…please."

"That is good you have chosen a safe word, Miley. When it is time for us to play you must let me know what it is…but in punishment safe words are not used. Now hush, dear." She said calmly again and I whimpered louder as more tears ran down my cheeks.

It took her another five minutes to get through my list and I knew she was taking her time. I was crying and whimpering in the pain and just knew my knees were going to be a bloody mess as the rice bored into my skin. I was breathing hard and crying with my eyes closed and knew I could have moved…I mean I could have stood up and left right then and never came back, but something held me there. It was not the fear…yes I was afraid…but that was not it. I felt like I deserved the punishment. I knew she was right and I was wrong to question her. I deserved to be punished.

"You may stand, Miley." I heard her order and I gasped as I stood up and looked at my knees. I could see the small indentions of the rice grains and even some still imbedded in my skin but thankfully none broke the skin and there was no blood. She got up and pulled a clothe from a kitchen draw, ran it under the water for a moment, walked back to me, and got down on her knees in front of me.

"I do not like to punish, Miley. I get no pleasure from it. Yes I enjoy giving pain in playtime and we will test your limits there and you may use your safe word then and I will respect that, but I am not sadist, my pet. I do not enjoy causing you pain in punishment but you understand why I did, correct?" She said like a mother talking to child.

"Y…yes, M'am…I…I am sorry." I said as I wiped the remainder of the tears from my eyes.

"Good." She said and used the warm wet cloth to wipe my knees and then she kissed them. God it felt nice to have her do that. She did care about me!

"In the pantry is a broom and dust pan. Sweep up your mess and we will discuss these so called limits of yours." She said as she got up and sat back at her table.

When I was done sweeping up the floor I knelt back down and winced at the pain as she handed me back my list. I noticed she had crossed out about 90% of what I wrote. "These are some of the hard limits I agree to. As far as the other things that involve how you act and what I tell you to do you do not agree with you will accept them or leave now. As far as the other things such as you limit of no whipping or flogging we will test that when we play. Again if you do not agree you are free to leave and never come back."

I stared at the list for a long moment. She agreed to the no watersports and the scat play (please do not make me explain that one…it is way to disgusting) and a few others like the tattoo and then branding. I thought how easy it would be for me to walk out right now and never come back. I could leave and that would be it. But I did not want to. I truly did not want to leave her. I took a deep breath.

"Mistress, I have no cash for the store. May I borrow some?" I said.

"Of course you may. I would not expect you to spend your money on these things. Every time you spend money on my personal expenses I will reimburse you. I know how hard it is to live on just and allowance your father may give you." She said and stood up and got her purse. I had to smile at that. If she only knew how much money I truly had from being Hannah she would not ask that of me. Of course daddy controlled most of it but my "allowance" was a considerable amount…I just forgot my purse and wallet in my rush to see her in time.

She handed me the money and yes I went to the store in just my panties. I was embarrassed and humiliated when the manager asked me to leave and I begged him to let me get the few items I needed and did not even make up an excuse as to why I was just wearing panties. He was young and must have thought I was cute because her kept looking at me…and not in my eyes…and told me to wait in my car, took my list and money, purchased my items, and brought them out to me.

So that was it. I started my new life and my journey into the decadent world of BDSM. I became Mistress's slave, her toy, her pet…all she said I would be to her. I was never her girlfriend as she said. I was her well trained pet. And I have to admit…I loved it! I finally felt it was who I was meant to be! I finally found that Miley Stewart who was missing for all the years. It was not Hannah that gave me happiness, it was not the awkward Miley the clumsy often shunned and highly picked on high school girl that gave me joy…no it was Miley Stewart…the pet…the slave to her Mistress's will and whims that gave me such happiness. I had found my place. With Mistress's training and my obedience I became the almost perfect submissive. I made Mistress proud and pleased her very well. Just as I was proud to have her as my Mistress she was proud to call me her slave. I was happy…very happy!

I will not give complete details of the training because that will take to long and I do not have enough pages in my journal, but I would like to point out some of the highlights if I may. The training was not easy for me…I will not lie about that. I made mistakes and I was punished for my mistakes. The punishment did not always involve pain…it did a lot of times but not always. I did discover there were two types of pain. The pain I came to love and crave…that comes later…and the pain I hated that did nothing for me but hurt. That was the pain used on punishment. The kneeling on rice, getting smacked on the palms of my hands with a wooden spoon or a yard stick with the full weight of Mistress's strength behind it (don't let those silly catholic school movies fool you…it freaking hurts and if you don't believe me have someone do that to you without mercy…you will know what I am talking about). Other pain like being slapped in the face…although I came to enjoy that as I did with Johnny years ago so Mistress stopped using that as punishment. There was more like one particular thing that hurt worse than anything else…that to will come later.

Then there was the non-pain in punishment. Being denied physical pleasure of having an orgasm for a determined period of time…Mistress set the time. One time she even placed me in a chastity belt for a month and she held the key. That happened when she was teaching me to control my orgasms and not to have one unless she gave me permission regardless of what she was doing to me…not that easy to do.

Mistress took me out to eat and the movies one night as a reward for cleaning her house, picking up her dry cleaning, and other simple chores I was to do for her. Before we went on our "date" she had me take off my panties and inserted a vibrating egg into me anally (yes she introduced me to anal sex and I enjoyed it a lot and she taught me to have an orgasm just from being penetrated anally) and of course she controlled the remote to turn it on and off. After the constant teasing during dinner and halfway through the movie I could not stand it anymore as I was aroused so much. Halfway through the movie I asked her permission to go to the restroom and when granted I went to the corner handicap stall and masturbated…yes to my shame I was so aroused I could not control myself and masturbated in a public restroom. Admittedly it did not take long and while biting my loser lip until it bled a little to control my moans I was done, wiped myself clean, and walked out of the stall only to find Mistress there waiting for me. She immediately took me home and placed me in the belt after physically punishing me for my disobedience. Now the belt…oh how I hated it!

It was made like a leather jock strap and of course came up to cover my private part and was locked in place by a small pad lock. Mistress kept the key of course and told me I earned one month in the belt for my mistake. It was not bulky enough so it was noticeable under my dresses or skirts (yes I kept to her rule and never wore pant or jeans again) and was invisible to anyone. It did cause several complications in my life however. When Lilly and I went to the beach I had to beg off wearing a swimsuit and just wore a sundress telling her I was not in the mood to really lay in the sun. Also made me have to skip dressing for gym class for the month and my excuse of female problems only took me saw far with the coach. The next was well…to my utter horror…peeing. How could I pee with this thing attached to me? When I first did it sprayed everywhere and I learned to pee in my shower. At school I would have to hold it until I got home and I learned to drink very little away from the house. Then there was the smell from getting urine all over the belt. I did not smell too good. Then came me taking a shower. The water would ruin the belt, Mistress explained, and I had better not ruin the leather of her belt so she allowed me to come to her house every two days and she would take the belt off, monitor me in the shower so I would "behave" and then I was able to clean the belt from the smell of the urine. God I hated that thing and never disobeyed Mistress again by giving myself pleasure unless she allowed it. And then there were her "mind games" in her punishment.

Oh how I hated them. They were so cruel and heartless and at times I would rather have her just beat me physically than play them. They would have me so confused and out of sorts I would be crying and begging her as to what she wanted of me and she would just laugh and continue. The one example I will give comes later.

Other things in my training and other rules were added. I had to start addressing myself in the third person and never use "I or me" and I was never to address Mistress as "her or your" etc. That was not as easy as it sounds especially when under duress. Failure to do so resulted in punishment and soon it began spilling into my other life. I would be talking to Lilly and I would address myself as Miley or talking to her and she would ask me what I wanted to do etc and I would reply "Whatever Lilly would like" etc. She would just give me this strange look and laugh and call me a dork in her loving and affectionate way.

I was never to sleep in Mistress's bed without her permission and that did not happen often. When I did spend the night with her and after she was done using me for her pleasure and the times I was granted pleasure from her she would allow me to fix a little sleeping area in the corner of her room for myself. Being the affectionate snuggle whore that I am I had a hard time with that one and would often silently cry myself to sleep as I mentally begged her to let me sleep with her. She would send me text messages in the middle of the night requesting things like food or even a massage at two o'clock in the morning and I would get out of bed, sneak out of the house, get what she needed, deliver it to her or give her the massage she requested, be dismissed, and sneak back in my room. I never got caught but it was more difficult when Lilly slept over but I dared not disobey Mistress…nor did I want to. I wanted to please her…felt the need to please her and pleasing her gave me more satisfaction than my own self pleasure. Lilly only caught me once sneaking back into my bed and I just told her I was restless and needed a walk. She fussed at me and told me the next time to wake her so she could go with me since waking around at night was not the safest thing in the world to do. God I loved how she protected me! I loved that girl so much! And of course I was never to eat at the table with her and soon I graduated to the small red kiddies table I would kneel at and eat as we enjoyed our meals.

There were other things as well I did to please her besides sexual and I loved all of it! It made me so happy when she would tell me that I did well and allow me to touch her for my reward…even the slightest touch such as kissing her feet after I gave her a pedicure she was pleased with thrilled me! And when she allowed me to kiss her…that was heaven! Four things I will go into a little more detail because I feel they need to be explained more to understand me better. One was I made the mistake and fell in love with Mistress! The second when I turned eighteen she introduced me to the private play parties. The third was the discovery of my love for the pain…my addiction! And the fourth was the one and only time I purposely went out of my way to disobey Mistress.

The first…my love for her…yes I fell in love with her. I fell hard for Mistress and that was my error. She never lied to me. She never told me she was going to love me back. She even told me she could never love me. Oh she cared for me a great deal. I knew that without a doubt. She was very very fond of me and I knew that. But I knew she would never love me and she was honest with that so I never blamed her for not loving me back. How could I? But I did fall for her and I fell hard. I loved Mistress with all my heart and it taught me to never love again like that. It taught me that someone like me would never have that true love…that it would be denied me because while you may be fond of a toy or have affection for a toy you really do not love that toy and that was what I am…who I became…a cute little doll to be played with and when done placed back up on the shelf to look at until ready to be played with again. It hurt at first…it hurt badly but that comes later. Now I am ok with it…not being loved…I really am and I prefer it that way.

Some may question how I could fall in love with someone who could never love me back, with someone who punished me cruelly at times, and with someone who would just use me for their own pleasures and when done with me send me home or kick me from her bed and make me sleep on the floor. But it was not always like that. I told you she cared for me a great deal and she did. There were times we would watch a movie at her house and she would sit curled up on her couch and as I sat on the floor in front of her she would stroke my hair affectionately and we would talk (I was never allowed to sit on her furniture…pets are not allowed on her furniture she would tell me). She would ask me what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go to school, and ask about my friends. I would talk about Lilly the most and she would smile and tell me she wished she had a friend who loved her as much as Lilly loved me. I sometimes got the idea Mistress was lonely. That was the Mistress I fell in love with. The kind and caring Mistress who listened to me ramble on and on about Lilly, the Mistress who gave me such wonderful orgasms as I was tied to her bed and who used wicked and delightful toys on me, the Mistress I would clean, cook, and do errands for. I fell in love with her and the cruel Mistress who punished me was just part of the package. Plus I deserved the punishment…I knew that. When she punished me it was to correct my mistakes and to learn from my errors. Yes I loved her deeply.

Next I will skip to number three…my addiction…the desire to feel the pain…I need to explain it because that also plays a big part of who I am and what happened to have someone I loved so much stop loving me.


	10. Chapter 10

My addiction? My love for the pain? I had to think real hard to explain this part of my life and then I thought how can an addict explain what the drug they are addicted to does for them…to them? How can they explain the need…the craving…the hated love they have for that drug? They can't! It just is and it is something they cannot put into words. I used to pity people with addictions. My Uncle Earl is an alcoholic and his drug of choice is Jack Daniels. I used to not understand how he could let that drink control his life and that need to feel the burning taste as it went down his throat I never understood…until now. Now I know the craving and need and love of that drug. My drug of choice is pain…wonderful glorious pain.

Not the hurtful pain of being punished by Mistress. Not the pain of kneeling on grains of rice or being smacked in the palms hard…that is pain I could live without. No…the pain I love is the pain from domination…from being slapped in the face, from being flogged, from being whipped on my back, to having my nipples tormented with clamps…all of it I crave even as I beg and cry for it to stop…I know I don't want it to. I may say no, I may cry real tears from the pain, I will scream out at the top of my voice, and I may beg for it to stop but when it does my begging then turns from stop to more…I want more until it takes me over that edge…until I have that incredible orgasm from the pain and until it takes me to that wonderful space where all my senses seem to stop and I can no longer feel the pain…when I actually laugh at times from the pain…my subspace. Yes I am a masochist…I get arousal, excitement, and sexual gratification from the pain. A pain slut I have been called but I don't like that term. But not all pain…that must be understood…I don't get aroused when I stub my toe or when I fall and skin my knees…the context of the pain is important. Even when being flogged or whipped there are certain parts of my body the pain is just that…pain, just as with certain parts of my body that I enjoy to be flogged or whipped or caned does not like all pain. If you took a knife and cut me across the back or butt cheeks or breasts then that is just pain to me (no I have never done that). Again…the context of the pain is what is important.

Subspace? What is that? What does it mean? The state of mind that the pain causes after an intense "scene" or "session" where the body releases it's natural chemicals and endorphins and will give a feeling of bliss, euphoria, and well being. That is the almost technical definition and I suppose that is good to use. I have heard it compared to a morphine high. But having never done morphine or its related drugs I would not know. What I do know is after a certain point of enduring the pain my mind seems to slip away from my body and I no longer feel the pain. All I feel is this incredible high like an almost out body experience and I want it to last forever. Of course it doesn't…it may last for an hour or two or one time Mistress and I had such and incredible session that it lasted for almost four to five hours. I can function to an extent in my euphoric state as can any addict when high. I can talk, walk, act giddy and all that but I don't want to. All I want is to just enjoy what it does to me. Then of course there is the crash…as with all drugs and their high you have to come down and that crash can be terrible.

When I crash I start to feel the pain once again and I start to hurt and cry and whimper when coming down. That is when I start to regret my addiction until the next time I need a fix. A fix? How often does that happen for me? If left to my own devices I would do it almost every night. I would get my fix as often as I could and that is why I needed Mistress to be my dealer…my supplier of the pain.

Of course I could never inflict that type of pain on myself. Trust me…I have tried…but you own mind and body will not allow it. It will stop you. So I have Mistress to give it to me and she does so sparingly knowing my addiction and the dangers it comes with. If left to me I would never stop…I would beg for it to keep going. But Mistress knows my limits even if I don't. She know when enough is enough and when to stop. I don't use safe words anymore. Oh I used to when Mistress first started testing my limits with our "playtime" and I still have them and give them to a Mistress I may play with who I don't really know because it is asked of me, but using it…that is different. I have not used my safe word in a long time so that is why it is good for someone like me to have a Mistress who knows when enough is enough before serious injury can occur. She withholds that pain as a treat for me…as a reward for something very pleasing I have done regardless of how often I may beg for it during our "play" time. She may take me close to that edge and stop before I get there and I will beg and plead for her not to stop but she is the Mistress…she is the controller and she knows what my body will take. She has come to know my body and its pleasures better than I do.

Then there are the orgasms I can achieve from the pain. It can happen before or after I reach my subspace and they are incredible…like nothing I have ever experienced and again I want those…I need those. That is what the pain does to me but it does not do the same for everyone. Some submissive hate the pain and others can take just a little. How did I…no we…Mistress and I…discover my addiction? She tested my limits as promised. It was not punishment that brought me to this…it was her "playtime".

I have described the pain as a double edged sword and that is what to me. The one edge that cuts and hurts and makes me cry and scream out in pain and the hurt from it and then the other edge. The edge that I love and want more of and takes me to that wonderful state of bliss and brings on that incredible orgasm.

I had been serving Mistress for about three months and it was wonderful and not just the sex, which was mind shattering, but all of it. I enjoyed pleasing her…no more than enjoyed it…I loved it and craved it. I loved her humiliation of me at times when she would do things in public and private to humiliate me sexually and embarrass me. It aroused me to an extent I begged and pleaded on my hands and knees to allow me to touch her and please her and to allow me to come. My training was going very well. Yes I made mistakes and I was punished but I was learning. I noticed one thing when I cleaned her house for her and that was the door with a pad lock on it off of her kitchen. I was ever curious as to why it was locked and when I questioned Mistress she would grin and tell me "When you are ready, my pet." I would let it go after that.

Well after three months on a Friday night after a small meal I cooked per Mistress's request, her stating we should not eat much do to the activities she had planned, Mistress waited until I finished cleaning the kitchen and attached a leash to the collar I was required to where around her house at all times. I smiled at this knowing she had some type of wonderful game to play. She smiled back and told me simply, "You are ready now, my adorable pet", put a blindfold over my eyes, and led me to the locked door. I felt myself being led down some stairs and I did not fear. I came to trust Mistress completely.

"Kneel." She commanded when we stopped and I knelt on the cold floor. I knew it was cement or slate or some other smooth stone. I heard her boot heels clicking as she walked behind me and I shivered in delight as her finger nails ran up my naked back.

She had dressed me tonight in just a black leather bra, latex panties (she loved latex but I had to admit I was not very fond of it. Oh it looked sexy and shiny but I always felt it was well…cheesy and cheap…but who was I to complain. I was just a lowly slave), and black thigh highs with a seam running up the back. I had to admit I did look sexy and slutty in a cute way. She dressed me like that as soon as I came over and I had been wearing it all evening.

When I had first arrived and before I changed my clothes…or lack of them…I had dressed Mistress. Yes I dressed her…it was now routine for me to dress and groom her before we either went out or when I came over to serve her. I dressed her, styled her hair in the manner she requested, and even at times when I was deserving she allowed me to bath her and wash her wonderful body as she took a shower or a bath. That night she had me dress her in a simple black leather outfit that looked like a one piece swimsuit and black leather thigh high boots with 6 inch heels that laced all the way up from bottom to top. God she looked so beautiful and as I was dressing her I begged her to let me please her orally and she just laughed at my whimpering and pleading and told me pleasure was to come later. I styled her hair as she requested me to in a single ponytail and placed it in a hair band that made the base of the pony tail stand upright. I had to admit she looked wickedly lovely this evening. I was spending the weekend with her.

Daddy thought I was on a weekend trip with Lilly. He allowed me those because he trusted me. After all I was a "good girl". I did not drink or do drugs and had no boy friends so he allowed my freedom on weekends and he trusted Lilly as well. I knew I was safe from any phone calls to Lilly's house. He never did that and I would call him occasionally to "check in" and let him know I was fine.

I felt her grab my hands and lift my arms above my above my head and then she attached them in some type of cuffs. It was not the standard metal handcuffs that sometimes dug into my skin. These were softer and I knew whatever type of restraints they were they were padded with something. Mistress then allowed my hands to drop in front of me. I let out a pleasing whimper at being bound…I loved it when she did this to me…to restrain me. She then undressed me leaving me naked except for my thigh highs. Mistress had a fetish and she loved to leave my thigh highs on during play and sex. I then felt her hands caress my cheek and she removed the blindfold and I got my first look at the locked room.

"Welcome to my play room, my pet. You are ready to enjoy its pleasures now." Mistress said as I looked wide eyed around the room.

A dungeon…or what I related it to in my naivety since I had never seen anything like this in real life. I was to discover later that while Mistress's play room was well equipped I was to see more "dungeons" later on that had so many more delightful things to play with and on. But for now this was a dungeon to me. The first thing I noticed was a wooden pole about six and a half feet tall and almost as thick as a small pine tree in front of me. My eyes ran up the pole and I saw it had a chain coming down from the top and then two shackles at the bottom. I swallowed hard and my gaze when to a table…or chair…or something.

The device looked like a half bed or table made of hard black plastic and was padded. At one end (the top or head end I was guessing) had a pair of chains coming down and attached two the chains were black leather cuffs, but it was the foot of the "bed" that made me once again gulp. There was a thick black plastic wide "board" with two holes in it that came across the bed. It looked like stocks that you saw in period movies. Mistress called it her trap and I was to learn how the device was used. It would lock the "victims" legs up and legs spread to expose their butt and sex for all to see while their hands were shackled in place. I then noticed there was another restraining device on the "Trap" that would go around the neck to hold the head in place. I was afraid if the medieval looking torture device but had to confess…I was every so curious on how it was used.

The next thing I noticed was a wooden "horse" with some type of saddle on it. From the saddle was a small phallus and a nub with ridges on it. Mistress saw my eyes divert to the device and she smiled. "A symbian, my sweet pet, that will be your reward if you please me." I had no idea what a "symbian" was and it frightened me a little. There were other things in the room like a small twin bed with shackles and chains on it, a padded stool looking thing that I assumed was for the submissive to be bent over and used, and a small chest of drawers that I had not idea what devilish devices lay waiting for me inside. Next my eyes looked to the far wall that Mistress walked to and I saw a number of torture instruments hanging there. I knew what some where from pictures…floggers, whips I had never seen before, paddles of various sorts, and different style riding crops. I felt three emotions as I saw Mistress choose a black flogger from the wall.

One was fear…I was afraid if what she was going to do to me. Yes she spanked me before in our play time and I got such pleasure from it and wanted her to keep going at times even through it hurt but the whips and floggers were never used on me. I also felt excitement and a strong arousal as my thighs grew wet. I was afraid but I wanted her to use these things on me. I wanted her to put me in every device in the room and use me for her pleasure. And then there was jealousy. I was jealous that Mistress used these things on another person. She restrained another submissive in these wicked devices.

I learned that I was not her first slave…her first pet. She had previously owned a girl before and I was jealous of that girl. I hated that girl I never met and who was no longer around. Mistress never told me why the other girl no longer served her and I dare not ask…but she had been there. She had been in my place and I hated her for that even if I never knew her.

One night during one of our movie nights I asked Mistress how she knew I would serve her and be a willing pet to her and she just smiled as she stroked my hair affectionately. "Because, my dear, on our first date you came back three times after changing clothes to try and please me…I knew then you would be mine." She said simply and that was true. I wanted to please her even then.

Mistress walked back to me as my heart started racing when I saw the flogger in her hand. She smiled at me once more. "Safe word, Miley?" She asked.

Fear gripped me. She never asked that of me before. She knew I had one of course since we talked about it but she never needed to ask it of me. The previous play times were just light spankings or other fun torments but nothing that would cause me to have her stop. She knew just how far to take me in the past. But know she was asking for my safeword…to confirm it. Oh God what was she going to do to me? I took a deep breath.

"Snow White." I whimpered out. Ok…silly I know but I have a love of Disney movies and Snow White was one of my favorite Disney characters and movies. Silly I know but also I knew it was nothing I would yell out if things got to rough and I wanted it to stop. The thing with a safe word was never use "no" because there was times during a play session the sub would yell no…to beg the dominant to stop even if he or she did not really want them to. It was just your body's natural fight of flight instinct. You pick a word you would never think to use. Most chose the standard "red" for stop but I liked to be unique and Mistress thought it was adorable.

She nodded with a grin at my choice of word. "Snow White it is." Then she changed. She was no longer the seductive Mistress. She became the cruel tormentor. "On your fucking feet, slut!" She yelled and grabbed my hair and pulled me to my feet.

I whimpered in the pain and felt the familiar desire as she pulled me up and dragged me to the post. Mistress dropped the flogger on the ground and pulled my hands above my head and attached my cuffs to the D ring on the chains. I gave another whimper of fear as she walked behind me, pulled my legs back behind the post and attached my ankles to the shackles at the bottom of the post. I was attached to the smooth wooden post with my hands above my head and feet wrapped behind the post facing her. I squirmed and whimpered and found out I was not going to be able to get free. I could barley move.

Mistress stood in front of me as gave my body an appraising look. "You are very lovely, Miley." She said, "Now it is time to test your limits…to see what you enjoy. You need to trust me, my pet. Do you trust me?"

"Y…yes." I whimper out.

"Good…you will find the urge to yell your safe word too soon. Do not do that. Do not let your fear grip you. Enjoy the pleasures I am going to give you and I promise I will respect your safety. Understood?"

"Y…y…yes, Mistress." I said softly. I did trust her…but could I control my fear was the key.

I closed my eyes as they became watery and just was I was about to open them I let out a small yelp of pain as the flogger struck my stomach. It hurt…but it was not that bad really. No worse than the spankings she had given me and it even excited me. Ok I could do this I thought and was soon to realize how innocent I really was.

The next strike was harder and I yelped out again and then the next strike was even harder and it came across my breasts and I screamed in pain. God did that hurt! I fought off the fear of using my safe word even as the next strike came even harder and I screamed again and then another across my breasts and I screamed even louder.

"Stop! Oh God please…stop!" I cried out as tears came down my face. Another strike and this one on my belly and I cried out again and I squirmed and tried to break loose of my restraints. I begged her to stop! Why wasn't she stopping? Safe word…yes safe word…I need to say my safe word! But I didn't. Even with the pain and me crying I did not yell my safe word. I did not want to. Oh the pain was terrible and she stuck me again and again and I screamed and begged for her to stop as I cried but I did not want it to stop. It felt…good…it felt wonderful and I never felt so aroused as I did right then. She struck me again but this time on my private area and my throbbing swollen clit screamed in pain as did I. Oh that hurt…that hurt bad but I wanted more…so much more. After a few more strikes I could not take it anymore. The pain started to over come the pleasure and I got frightened…very frightened.

"Snow White! Oh God please stop Mistress! Snow White!" I screamed through my tears and she stopped without hesitation. I opened my tear filled eyes as Mistress leaned in and licked the tears from my cheeks and kissed my lips gently.

"Are you ok, my dear?" She asked in a soothing tone.

"Yes…yes...M'am…I…I mean Miley needed it to stop…it…it got too…to much, Mistress…she…she is sorry, M'am." I replied as Mistress kissed my checks do lovingly.

"You did very well, Miley. I am proud of you and you did the right thing in stopping if it got to much." She smiled and kissed my lips again. "I will give you time to relax and get you some water."

"Thank…thank you, Mistress." I said as I was breathing heavy. My skin burned and I dared to look down at myself. The front of my body was so red it looked as if I had a severe sunburn and the pain throbbed in my clit. But I was wet…so wet that my juices were actually leaking from me. God I wanted to come so bad…I wanted Mistress to allow me that wonderful physical release she knew how to give me so well. I wanted to beg for it…I would do anything for her at this moment if she would allow me to come.

Mistress walked back to me and placed the bottled water to my lips and I drank greedily as she tilted it for me. Some spilled down my chest but I did not care as it was soothing to me as it dribbled over the places she struck me. I shook my head when I had enough water and she placed the bottle on the ground.

"Shall we continue, Miley? I have so many other delightful things to do to you but we are testing your limits tonight. Shall I continue or do we stop?" She asked. I knew she was having a good time. I knew she got pleasure from this and I wanted to please her more. I wanted her pleasure before my own. Plus…I wanted to go further and see how much I could take.

"Miley wishes to continue, Mistress." I smiled as I said it and got such pleasure as her face beamed with happiness.

"Oh just lovely." She clapped her hands in a childish manner and I could not help but giggle at her. God I loved her so much.

She walked over to the drawers and my eyes followed her in anticipation and fear as she opened the middle draw. Mistress returned with a gleam in her eyes. As she attached a clamp to my left nipple and then my right nipple. I let out a whimper of pain but these were nothing new to me. Mistress often used the delightful clamps on me during our bedroom play and I enjoyed them. The clamps were attached together by a chain. Next she held up some clothes pins that were attached together by a sting through holes in the top of the pins. She had two sets of five clothes pins.

I whimpered again as she placed one set on my right side starting level with my breasts and then going down my side. She repeated the process on my left side. I bit my lower lip to get used to the pain but it also felt good and I was so aroused I could barely stand it.

"Please, Mistress, please let me come…Miley needs to come…please. She…she will be a good…she promises she will be so good for Mistress." I begged.

Mistress laughed, "Of course you will be good for me, my pet. You have no choice…but you do not get to come yet. You must earn it and while you have been very pleasing so far you have not earned that right." She said with amusement and I just whimpered in my frustration.

She next showed me red "wand". It looked harmless and was to short to be able to use for any painful strikes on my body. Mistress ran the wand over my stomach teasing me and then over my clamped nipples. She teased my nipples with it and then I heard a loud snapping noise that was followed by pain. Pain that made me scream out. Pain that was like when you get shocked when you touch a metal door knob after running stocking feet over carpet…but worse…much more intense. Again I heard the snap and the shock on my nipple and again I cried out and began whimpering once more.

"Oh my pet loves the magic wand does she…shall I continue, Miley?" Mistress taunted me and shocked my nipple once more.

It hurt…God did it hurt but once again I wanted more…I wanted to feel the pain again. "More…please…more, Mistress." I gasped out and the snap and shock once more on my other nipple this time.

Mistress tormented my nipples with the shocks as I whimpered and squirmed as much as possible in my restrained state. She then traced the wand down my stomach and teased my inner thighs with it. Oh God I knew what she was going to do…I knew somehow what torture was coming next. As she teased me I knew she was giving me a chance to scream my safeword but I didn't. I fought off the urge so I could feel the pain of what was to come next. And it came with a snap and then that shock that made me cry out louder as Mistress used the wand on my clit. It felt wonderful and painful and tears once again came down my cheeks as I cried and screamed each time that delightful shock went through my clit. After few more I could not take it any longer. My fear and pain became to much.

"S…S…Snow White…oh please stop…Snow White." I screamed out and Mistress respecting my safe word stopped her pleasurable torment of my body.

I was gasping for breath and my eyes looking into her beautiful green ones pleading to be kissed again and begging for her sweet lips to kiss my tears away as she did before. But I was denied that wonderful pleasure as she grabbed the string attached to the clothes pins on my right side and pulled hard. The pins snapped off my body and I screamed out again in the pain and then once more as she repeated the ones on the left side. Mistress smiled at me and patted my head, "Good, pet." She muttered and placed her instruments of torture on the floor.

I was whimpering and crying as she unshackled my legs and then my arms and I fell to the ground and curled up in a ball. Mistress then lifted my head and gave me more water which I swallowed too quickly and started coughing and water mixed with my saliva poured from my mouth.

"UP!" She commanded and pulled my hair until I was once more kneeling before her. "Do not move!" She yelled and walked to the wall, then the drawers, and walked back to me with a leather paddle in her hand and something else. An anal plug and some lubricant. "Right hand out, Miley!" She ordered and I obeyed and whimpered. I knew what she was going to do.

I winced and let out another cry as she brought the leather paddle down on my palm. I instinctly pulled my hand back and tucked it safely in the folds of my arm pit. "Left one, Miley!" She ordered and I shook my head and whimpered. Oh how I hated this pain. "Now, Miley, or it is worse! You have pleased me well so far tonight do not make me angry!" She yelled and slowly I brought out my trembling left hand. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain. I did not wait long as the loud smack and the pain came. Once again I withdrew my left hand and tucked it under my arm pit and whimpered out.

"That was not punishment, Miley. I did that to decrease your arousal. I can see how excited you are and I want you to enjoy what happens next to the full extent. You have pleased me tonight and now you get your treat." She said.

"Y…y…yes, Mistress." I muttered softly as the palms of my hand burned in pain.

"On your feet, Miley." Mistress said calmly and pulled me up by my hair. She led me to the "horse". "Get on. Miley." She said and helped me straddle the saddle and then positioned my body so the phallus slipped easily into my wet center between my legs. I let out a moan of pleasure. Mistress then uncuffed my hands and brought my arms behind my back and cuffed them again. When satisfied with me being cuffed she bent me over and I grunted as I felt a lubed finger enter my butt and then grunted louder as she inserted the plug into that tight hole. I relaxed to get used to the sensation and so it became pleasant.

I was not a novice to anal sex. Mistress was training me well on that and at times she even inserted a plug into me and left it there while I did my household chores for her. She even penetrated me anally at times with a strap on and I started to enjoy anal sex quite a bit. Mistress made me sit up right on in the "saddle" with my back straight and walked to the side of the "horse". She looked at me and grinned. "No my pet gets her treat. Just relax and enjoy it, Miley. Let it take you to where you want to go." She turned a dial on the machine…the symbian.

The phallus started to vibrate inside me as did the knobby nub that was touching my clit. I started gasping and moaning with the pleasure of it. Oh God it was incredible! So much more enjoyable than the hand held vibrators she used on me. Mistress then turned the dial again and the vibrations increased.

"OHHHH….GOOOOD!" I screamed. "I…I…I can't take it….please…its to much! OHHHH GOOOOD its to much!" I screamed and it was true. The pleasure was more than I could bear. I never felt anything like it before and I could not take anymore of it. Mistress just grinned and turned the dial more and the vibrating grew more intense.

At that I could not even form words. All I could do was give high pitched squeaky moans of pleasure. I tried…I tried to beg her to stop but words did not come from my mouth. The pleasure was so intense I could not take it…I never thought someone could get so much sexual pleasure they would beg for it to stop but I was wrong. I found out it could happen. Again Mistress turned the dial and I lost it. I could take no more as my body started to tense and my legs started to quiver and then it came…my orgasm. It was like no other I had ever experienced so far. Up until I discovered the orgasm from pain this was the best I ever had. My orgasm did not just come on me with the feeling of building anticipation I was used to and then the glorious release. No…this orgasm was ripped from my body! My body went tense and I felt every muscle in my body clinch as I came over and over as Mistress even turned the dial up more. I felt as if I would pass out from the sheer pleasure of it as I let out a loud wailing scream unable to form words.

It lasted a long time…that I knew. How long I did not know but soon the pleasure ended and Mistress turned off the evil but oh so delightful device and helped me off of it. Again I just collapsed to the floor and cried in my pleasure unable to move. I felt her uncuff my hands as I lay there whimpering in the after glow of such pleasure as tears ran down my cheeks.

"Clean the toys we used tonight, Miley, and wipe off the symbian and then come to my room. It is now time to please me." Mistress said as she stood over me and started to walk away. I grabbed her feet and held her tight.

"Nooo…please…please more! I want more, Mistress! Please again…let me have it again!" I screamed. I wanted to ride the device again and again and feel the pleasure it brought my body over and over until I passed out in the joy it gave me.

Mistress slapped my face. "Do as I say, slut! You had your treat for the night! Do not make me angry, Miley, or you do not get the pleasure of pleasing and touching me…all you will get is pain and punishment and you will never see your new toy again!"

I took a deep breath and regained my composure. "Yes, Mistress, M…Miley is sorry, M'am. Please forgive her."

Mistress walked from her play room and I did as I was told and then hurried to her room to enjoy the rest of the night with her.

Over the next months I visited Mistress's play room once a week and we continued to test my limits to the pain. As a treat I got to ride that wonderful machine at times and then others she denied me that pleasure regardless of how much I begged to use it. As the times in her playroom went on and on we discovered I could not only endure more and more of the pain but I loved it…I craved it and even started needing it. At times I would beg her to take me into the playroom and use the whip on me…use the flogger on me…use all her instruments of torture I grew to love. She of course denied my pleas and restricted the play time to once a week. Then on night it happened. I stopped using my safe word…I no longer needed it or wanted it…and Mistress took me to the edge. She gave me that wonderful orgasm from the pain and it was even more intense than the symbian. I actually squirted my orgasm and fluids leaked on the floor and soaked my thighs. It was wonderful! My ejaculation of the orgasm did not happened often not even when the pain brought me to that pleasure but it came a few times.

Then after I came I felt it…the subspace. Mistress took me there and it was glorious…wonderful. All feeling of pain stopped for me and I felt blissful and euphoric in my high. Mistress knew what she did. Did she plan it? No I don't think do…I never asked her but she knew what it was and she was pleased with herself and with me.

Then I crashed about an hour later and Mistress held me in her arms and wiped the tears from my face as the pain cam back with intensity and feeling I so desperately never wanted to end faded. She took care of me and cleaned me and bathed me and doctored the welts and small lacerations on my body that night as I cried in her arms. That was it…the start of my addiction and regardless of how often I begged for it and craved it Mistress gave it to me sparingly. It was withheld for my treat for doing something extremely pleasing for her or for special occasions like Christmas or my birthday or my graduation from high school. Yes I wanted it more…so much more and would have done it every night if she allowed it. But she knew…she knew that as with all junkies if left on their own that would overdose on their drug of choice so she controlled how often I got it and would only give me little tastes…samples of the pain as we played in her bed or in her playroom.


	11. Chapter 11

The time I deliberately disobeyed Mistress occurred on a Saturday night in August the year Lilly and I were going to enter out senior year of high school. I decided not to take all those advance classes and graduate a year early. How could I? I wanted to graduate with Lilly! I wanted to share that special day with her!

I was getting ready for a "date" with Mistress and she told me to dress nice since we were going out for dinner to celebrate a promotion she got at her work. I chose a simple black cocktail dress (newly purchased for this occasion), black thigh highs, new sexy laced black panties, and black heels. As I admired how cute I was in the mirror I heard our door bell ring. I ignored it since the only person who would come visit me was Lilly and she had a date with the much hated Gabe. They were back on to dating hot and heavy the last month. As I lightly applied some new perfume, a gift from Mistress, I heard a knock on my door and then looked up and saw Lilly standing in the doorway. She looked as if she had been crying…no she was still crying. I dropped my perfume bottle and ran to her and took her in my arms.

"Lils, what is it? Did…did Gabe hurt you? Did he break up with you?" I said as she hugged me back tight.

Her crying scared me. She never cried…this was the first time since I had met her that I had ever seen her cry. Even when she broke her collar bone sophomore year playing soccer she did not cry…oh she cussed like a sailor but she did not cry. If Gabe broke her heart and broke up with her I would be happy….don't think I wouldn't. I was so selfish of her love but I would also have words with him. No one hurt my Lilly! She sobbed in my arms for a while as I stroked her lovely blonde hair.

Lilly pulled back, "No…I…sorry, Miley, I did not know you had a date with your mystery girl. I'll…I'll just leave." She knew I was dating of course but she did not understand the dynamics of my relationship and I knew I could never tell her. It made her mad at times that I hid my "girlfriend" from her but what choice did I have? I could never let her know. I could not live with the idea of her finding me disgusting.

I pulled her closer to a hug again, "Hush…you are more important than anything to me…you know that." And that was true. As much as I love Mistress and of all the things I willingly did for Mistress and no matter how important Mistress was in my life…Lilly came first. Lilly always came first with me.

She led me to the bed and sat down and gave me a weak smile, "I…I just needed someone to talk to and I knew I could count on you." I nodded and she started crying again and that mad me cry because I was scared now. She gripped my hand tight. "Miles, I…I think I'm pregnant." She said and started sobbing.

I hugged her again. "Ohhh, Lils, Ohhh God…shhh…its ok, baby, shhh…does…does Gabe now yet?" Lilly just shook her head as she hugged me tighter. I then got mad…mad at Gabe. "How could he? That stupid jerk! How could he do this to you?" She came to me first! She came to me over the detested Gabe! Oh she loves me so much! I thought and felt honored she would come to me before anyone else.

Lilly pulled back, "Miley, I know you hate him…why I don't know…but we were both there, baby. It is not solely his fault. The…well…the condom broke and…I…I told him to keep going." Oh how I hated to hear about them having sex. "I…I did not think…Oh God I was so stupid!" She started sobbing again.

"Shh…ok…we need to…" At that time my cell phone alerted me to a text message and of course I knew who it was. Lilly nodded for me to get it. I look at the phone and all it read was **You are late! **I quickly sent one back – **please forgive me Mistress…I can't make it tonight.** I hit send and actually cringed when I did. I knew she was going to be angry with me. I few seconds later I got her reply. **Call me…NOW! **I glance at Lilly crying on the bed and thought how could I abandon her? This girl I loved so much and who has been there for me and protected me…how could I abandon my goddess in her moment of need. I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door and called Mistress.

"This had better be fucking good, Miley!" She answered.

I explained what had happened as fear gripped me and I started crying. After I finally got it out she calmly told me to take care for my friend but to be at her house in the morning at ten and don't be late. She said I was to pay for my actions of the night. With a fearful yes, M'am, I hug up the phone but she did not hear me. She had already hung up. I walked back into my bedroom knowing I was going to be punished like I had never been before but seeing Lilly on the bed crying and her coming to me for comfort…I knew I would do it again and face what ever consequences over and over to give my Lilly the comfort she needed.

Lilly and I laid in my bed and she cried some more which made me cry…I hated seeing her hurt. After a long time of her crying and us discussing her options and me promising to help and support her in any choice she made we turned the conversation to more lighter things and soon we were giggling and laughing as we always did…trying to put the bad behind us. Our happy moment ended when Lilly asked me a question I dreaded.

"So…when do I get to meet this girlfriend of yours?" She asked me as I had my head on her chest and she was stroking my hair. God I loved when she did that. It was nothing sexual it just felt so nice and so right.

I move to my side of the bed. "I can't, Lilly. Hell nobody but you even knows I like girls that way. Dad would freak and Jackson…there would be no end to the torment from him." That was not really a lie…right? I mean no one but Lilly and of course Mistress new I was bi or gay or whatever label you want to put on it. I hated labels…still do. So I like both sexes…why do I have to be classified a certain way? Although I did prefer girls over guys and had not dated a guy since Johnny.

"I know, Miley, but I am not asking for her to meet the whole family…just me. I should met her." She said with finality.

I was getting defensive so it sounded like I was getting mad, "Why? Why do you have to meet her? Why can't you respect her privacy if not mine? Maybe she does not want to meet anyone! Maybe she wants to keep her liking girls a secret to!" I sat up on the bed and crossed my arms over my chest.

I hated getting upset with Lilly and worse I hated lying to her but I had not choice. She could never find out about the type of relationship I was in…and one that I loved to be in. One that gave me such satisfaction not just sexual but emotional as well. A relationship where I found my true self and was extremely happy to be in. I glanced over at Lilly as she stared at me…giving me her hard look that made me cringe.

"I know, Miley." She said soflty.

"You know what, Lillian?" I used her full name; something she hated.

"Don't play dumb, Miley. We both know you are not stupid. I've seen the bruises and the times we go to the beach and you don't even wear a swimsuit. I know she hurts you, Miles and I don't like it!" God I loved how she protected me but it was all wrong right now. I did not want her protection with this…I did not need her protection this time since I loved what Mistress did to me.

I got off the bed and walked over to my vanity and pulled two pair of pajamas out and tossed her one. "I…I have no idea what you are talking about." I say as I walk to the bathroom to change.

"Fine…then change in here. Let me see you, Miley." Lilly smirked as she got off the bed holding the pajamas I gave her.

I give her a seductive smile, "Why, Lilly, I did not think you liked girls like that?" I teased trying to avoid what she asked. Yes I had some marks on me that if I stripped she would see. That were not serious since Mistress had not played with me very hard lately or took me to that edge I so desperately wanted to go to, but I had some slight bruises and almost faded welts on my butt.

"Stop it, Miley, and show me!" Lilly said sternly.

"Just leave me alone, Lilly." I yell and run to the bathroom but don't make it before she grabs my wrist. "Let go, Lilly! You're hurting me!" And she was. She was gripping my wrist tight. She let go but moved so I could not get into the bathroom.

"I'm sorry, Miley…but…I…I don't want you to get involved with another Johnny. Remember how that ended? Four stitches in your lip. I…I can't stand to know someone abuses you, Miles. To know they hurt you." She is almost in tears again and my heart melts.

"Lils…I…it is not like that. I swear…I…I love her and she does not abuse me. I promise." Ok that was a half lie right? Yes Mistress did things to me that hurt me but I enjoyed it and it was not abuse.

"Promise me and let me meet her."

"I…I promise she does not abuse me, Lils. But…but I can't let you met her. She…well…she is older than me." I tell her as I step closer to her hoping for a hug.

"So that is the reason? She is older? How much older?" Lilly steps back continuing to question me.

I sigh, "She is twenty two and in college…ok…happy? That is why her and I hide it." I lie. Mistress is older than twenty two and already finished college.

Lilly nods, "And she does not hurt you?"

"No." I lie again…God I hated lying to her! "You know how clumsy I am and…well…sometimes I don't like wearing a bikini because I am not as pretty as you and I get self conscious." That part was so true. Lilly was so beautiful and I am just me.

"Oh, come on, Miles, you are very pretty and so adorable."

I smile at her, "Yeah, right…now can I go pee." I really did not have to but it was an excuse for me to change without her seeing me.

She laughed and stepped aside. When I came out of the bathroom, now in my pajamas, she was already in bed with her back turned. I slid under the covers and wanted to hold her but I couldn't. How could I snuggle with her now with all the lies I told her. I felt so ashamed. I rolled onto my side in the other direction and I heard Lilly sniffle.

"Lils, you ok, baby?" I ask as I turn around.

"Miley, hold me…please. Like you always do. I…I need you to hold me, Miley." She whimpered out and it scared me so I started crying as I wrap my arm around her and snuggle close. I hated seeing her like this…so broken and weak. This scared me and broke my heart.

"Shh…it's going to be ok, Lilly. We'll get through this…you and me. I promise."

I felt her bring my hand up to her lips and kiss it. "I…you are the only one I can trust, Miley. You now that? I could never tell anyone but you."

Wow…I felt wonderful at that. She trusted me above everyone even that terrible Gabe. I then felt so much guilt in lying to her. Worse than when I refused to tell her I was Hannah. "Miley, I…I love you. I know I don't tell you like you tell me…but you are the best friend I have and I couldn't ask for anyone better."

I start crying now at her confession and held her tight. "I love you to, Lilly. We'll be ok…we'll do what has to be done and whatever you decide I will be right there for you."

"I know you will." She said and kissed my hand again and we went to sleep.

She got up early the next morning and woke me up and told me she had to leave. She kissed my lips gently and chastely, made a comment about morning breath, and left telling me I should go back to bed. I just grinned at her and after she left I looked at the clock and saw it was a little after seven. I decided to get up and get ready. I had an appointment with pain and punishment this morning and I was going to look my damn cutest for Mistress hoping my adorability her and Lilly seemed to think I have would help ease what I knew was to come.

Lilly's pregnancy? I will not mention it anymore in my journal. That was her secret to me and I promised I would never tell. She never even told Gabe. Her and I never mentioned it again after that night except one other time. It was gone…she was never pregnant let's say and leave it at that. It was all bad dream.

I drove to Mistress's house and I had to admit I looked darn cute. I was dressed in the red sundress she liked to see me in, a pair of vintage Lucky Brand burgundy ankle high cowboy boots, and my hair and makeup was fixed to perfection. I knew she was going to be pleased with my looks but I was still scared. Looking cute or not…she was going to punish me. I was just hoping it was not the rice…I hated the rice…or the palms being hit…I hated that…or…oh hell I hated everyway she punished me but I knew I deserved it and regardless of how bad it was going to be I would have done it again. Even after I looked back at the punishment I got I would have done it again for Lilly. I walk to Mistress back door, kneel, and knock. She added a new rule that when I came over I had to be kneeling at her doorstep before I knocked.

I must have waited thirty minutes before she answered the door as I knelt there knowing she was home and not daring to leave. My knees started to get sore from the concrete of her small back entrance porch. Funny how at first I did not notice that she removed her doormat until the pain started to settle in. I sighed and knew I was not in for a good day. Mistress finally opened the door.

"Oh, Miley, I am so sorry, dear. You should have knocked harder." She said in a light humorous tone. So it begins…her mind games start the punishment.

"Yes, M'am." I say and get up and start to walk into her house after she motioned me in.

"NO! You crawl in my house, Miley! You do not deserve to walk into my house today!" Mistress shouted. I drop to my knees and crawl into her kitchen. Yeah maybe me being cute was not going to work today. I should have slept another hour.

Once I was in the center of the kitchen I knelt with my head down not daring to look at her. I did hear her sit down in one of the chairs and then heard paper rustling and thought she must be reading the newspaper. "Well, what the hell are you waiting for, Miley! I am hungry and you need to cook us breakfast!" She yelled and I flinched.

"Yes, M'am…M'am about last night…Miley is very sorry…" I started to apologize.

"Shut up, Miley! Not another word from you all day unless I give you permission to speak! I allowed you to spend time with Lilly because she needed you as a friend but you knew the consequences of breaking our date and for that you will be punished. No apologies for something I allowed you to do! Now shut the fuck up and fix our breakfast!"

I did not even reply with a yes m'am. I knew better…she said not another word and I would obey to the letter. I knew what she liked for breakfast so I did not have to ask her. Hell I did ninety percent of her grocery shopping anyway so I knew what to fix. Bacon slightly crispy, eggs with American cheese softly scrambled, lightly toasted bread with apple butter, and coffee black. I cooked this breakfast hundreds of times and the only time she ever deviated was when she would occasionally tell me to cook her French Toast. I cooked awesome French Toast. My breakfast…the same as hers of course…except I liked cream and sugar in my coffee. I was kind of hungry even if I was scared. I did not eat dinner last night.

As the bacon was frying I set the table for Mistress, who ignored me, and gave her a cup of coffee. I then went and pulled the little red kiddies table from the corner and set my table. "No, Miley. You eat off the floor the floor this morning." I heard Mistress say and I glanced at her and she was still reading the paper not looking at me. I move the table back to the corner and place my fork and spoon and knife on top of a napkin on the floor. The tension was driving me crazy but I was going to behave and not make matters worse.

"When I say something to you, Miley, you are to answer me yes or no…you know better than to ignore me!" Mistress yelled still not looking at me.

"Yes, m'am." I muttered and went back to cooking the bacon

With breakfast done I serve Mistress her plate and then fix mine and place it on the floor and kneel down to eat. Just as I was about to take a bite Mistress's harsh voice interrupted me.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing, you stupid cunt?" She yelled and I cringe at that word. She knew I hated it and only called me that name during severe punishment. "I said you eat _off_ the floor not _on_ the floor. Empty your plate on the floor, Miley!"

"Y…yes, Mistress." I whimpered out and emptied the eggs, bacon, and toast on the floor. I start picking through the top layer of the eggs…the part not touching the floor. It was clean…the floor…I knew that, heck I kept it clean and mopped but still I did not like the idea of eating off the floor.

"And you will eat every bite, Miley!" Mistress yelled.

"Yes, M'am." I responded and started eating. I put my fork down and start to take a sip of my coffee.

"Are you that fucking stupid, Miley?" Mistress asked harshly.

I look up at her, "M'am…Miley…Miley does not understand?" I was doing what she told me…I was eating off the floor. What did I do wrong this time?

"The coffee, you stupid girl! Poor it on the floor and lap it up like the disobedient bitch you are!" She yelled.

"Y…yes, Mistress." I pour my coffee on the floor and start to lap it up like a cat. My eyes were watery and I knew any moment I was going to start crying. I was no longer hungry but I dare not disobey her. She said I was to eat so I was going to eat.

I ate my breakfast…all of it…and lapped up my coffee and kneeled as I waited for Mistress to tell me she was done and I would clean the table and then do the dishes. She was finished I saw but I knew better than to move without her telling me to. She got up and carried her own plate to the sink, which surprised me, and as she was about to place it in the sink it feel from her hand and shattered on the tile floor. I flinched at the sound.

"Oh…how clumsy of me. I am sorry, Miley, that just gives you something else to clean up." She then picked up the frying pan full of bacon grease and dropped it on the floor splattering the grease everywhere. "Oh dear, I am such a klutz this morning. I am sure if I would have gone to a nice dinner last night with my pet and celebrated my promotion at work I would not be so clumsy." She said with mocking humor. She then turned to me. "But that did not fucking happen did it, Miley!" She yelled. "I sat here all fucking alone last night after I made reservations at a very nice expensive restaurant and the person I was going to have fun with and play with had the audacity to cancel on me!" She screamed louder.

I was crying now at her words and felt terrible. "But….but Mistress told Miley she…she could be with her friend…she….she…" Mistress walked to me and slapped my face hard.

"Shut the fuck up! I told you no talking but yes or no! I fucking know what I told you! Now clean my fucking kitchen and come to my room when you are done!" She yelled and walked from the kitchen.

I cleaned the kitchen and mopped up the grease on the floor and took a deep breath and walked to Mistress's room. I knew this was where the real punishment was going to take place. The ordeal in the kitchen was just a small preview of what was to come. Once I walked through her bedroom door I was at her mercy and this morning she had no mercy. Safewords would not protect me now. This was punishment and not pleasure. I noticed I was unconsciously rubbing my palms together as if they had already been beaten and in pain. I knew that was coming as well as other painful things but I would obey her. I would not run…I did not want to run. I did not want to be punished that was for sure but I knew I deserved it. She was gracious enough to allow my time with Lilly last night and I knew I would have to pay the consequences of my actions. I knelt at her bedroom door and knocked.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Warning: Extreme punishment so you are warned.**_

"Enter!" I heard Mistress's voice giving me permission to enter her room. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and crawled as I entered her room and approached what terrible punishments awaited me. As I crawled to the center of the room I sighed as I saw Mistress had taken what seemed like every piece of clothing she owned and threw it about her room. Clothes lay scattered everywhere. Mistress herself lay on her bed sitting up with a pillow behind her head and next to her on the bed I could see the instruments of my torture. Laid out in a neat orderly fashion I saw a black leather paddle, a riding crop, and two Rattan canes. One was about fifteen inches long and the other was over a yard long. Normally seeing those wicked devices would have had made my mouth water with anticipation of the painful pleasure they would bring me but not today. Today they would bring no pleasure…all they would bring was pain. A slight whimper escaped my mouth at the thought of what she was going to do to me as I knelt in the center of the room waiting for her command.

"Well don't just fucking kneel there like an idiot, Miley, clean my fucking room!"

"Yes, Mistress." I replied and got up and started picking up her clothes. I had no order as to how I picked them up since there was no order as to how she threw them about the room. I just started going about the room picking up clothes. I put her dresses and blouses on her hangers and hung them up, folded her panties and placed them in her drawers, placed her bras in the appropriate place, and when almost done her voice, which had remained silent while I cleaned, made me flinch.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing, Miley! Some of those clothes are dirty! Do you expect me to wear dirty clothes! Do you expect me to wear dirty panties! Take them all out and start again and separate the clean ones from the dirty ones!" She yelled from her bed.

"Yes, Mistress." I replied and started all over again. I was confused…very confused. I did not know what was clean or what was dirty and of course I knew it really did not matter. This was part of her game. She wanted to confuse me and to get me flustered.

After I had all her clothes back on the floor, I separated them to make it easier for me. Dresses in one pile, panties and bras in another, blouses in another pile etc, I did not know what to do next. How was I to know if they were clean or not?

"M…M…Mistress, may Miley speak?" I asked in a scared voice.

She gave me an amused look, "What?" She answered sternly.

"How…how is she to know what is clean and what is dirty, M'am?"

"You are supposed to be a smart girl, Miley. You make excellent grades in school so I am sure you can figure it out. But hurry up! You have wasted enough of my time already and we have other wonderful things to get to today!" She yelled and I swear she caressed the smaller Rattan cane lovingly.

I swallowed hard, "Yes…yes, M'am." I had no idea what to do. My eyes started to get watery as the confusion set in.

I was losing her game and she knew it and she wanted it this way. Mistress knew me…she knew me better than I knew myself. How could she not? She is the one who showed me my true self…the Miley who I was meant to be and wanted to be. She was the one who made that Miley just as Dr. Frankenstein made his monster Mistress made this one so who else would know that person better than their creator? She knew my desire to please her and she knew how upset I got when I did not please her and that was what she was counting on. She was going to break me today…to make me beg and plead and cry…in my desire to please her. It was part of her game…her punishment and then the physical punishment would begin. Sometimes I would rather have just that. Have her physically punish me and get it over with than her terrible mind games. I knew as she did it was only a matter of time before I broke. I knew that whatever I did with her clothes…if I separated the clean from the dirty perfectly…it would not be good enough and she would find fault in what I did. So why play? Why join in her game? Simple…she was my Mistress. She was the person I wanted to please and make happy above all others. I loved her and I loved what she did to me and for me and I loved being the "monster" this wonderful beautiful Dr. Frankenstein created. I would have it no other way.

I thought for a moment not daring to look at Mistress or speak again and then picked up a pair of panties from the pile and sniffed them. They smelled of "Spring Freshness" and I knew they were clean. That was the scent of the laundry detergent and fabric softener I used on her clothes. I folded them and put them in the drawer. I repeated the process with three other pair and all smelled the same. The next pair I picked up had a different scent. They smelled of Mistress. Not her sex…well just a small hint of that…but her perfume and lotion she used. I took another deep breath of them and relished in the smell. They smelled wonderful and as I took another big sniff Mistress brought me out of my thoughts.

"God you are a fucking slut! I told you to clean not enjoy yourself!" She yelled.

Blushing and highly embarrassed by my actions I just muttered a "yes m'am" and placed the panties in a different pile. One I would start for her dirty clothes. After I finished with her panties, hoping I got them right but knowing even if I did she would tell me I was wrong, I started on her bras. I did the same with them. It was not too hard since they had been against her skin as well. Next came her skirts and dresses. That may be just as easy as I could smell her perfume on them as well letting me know which ones I had washed and not been worn and which ones I had not. When done with her clothes I gathered up her "dirty" ones in their separated piles for washing…darks versus whites etc.

"May Miley speak, ma'am?" I asked again.

"Yes." Was the simple reply.

"Does Mistress wish for Miley to wash her clothes now or wait until later?"

"Take them to the laundry room now but do not wash them yet…we have more fun and games to play." She said with humor in her voice.

I once again swallowed hard and placed the clothes in a hamper and started out of her bedroom door only to be stopped once again by her voice.

"Miley…are you insistent on ruining my clothes today?" She asked calmly.

I turn, "M…Miley does not understand, Mistress."

She stood up and walked over to me and I took a step back in fear. She grabbed my hair and pulled it back hard. "You stupid, cunt! Some of those clothes are dry clean only and if you wash them they will be ruined! Now separate them again!" She let go of my hair and I whimpered out a yes and did as she said. I was crying now. I was crying at her words…that terrible word she knew I hated…and the fact I messed up again.

"Stop your fucking crying!" She yelled and walked over to her vanity and ran her fingers over the top. "God this room is a mess! I thought you dusted in here?" I knew it was free from dust. I dusted it just yesterday while she was at work. She then started throwing her makeup on the floor scattering the powder of her blush everywhere. "And I thought I was training you well! Tell me, Miley, am I just that weak of a Mistress that I cannot train you correctly or are you just that stupid of a slave that you cannot learn?" She yelled.

"No…Mistress is wonderful…she…she is a perfect Mistress! Miley is just stupid, M'am. She is just unworthy of Mistress." I replied as tears came down my face.

"I don't like stupid girls, Miley! I don't like girls who refuse my training! I don't like girls who disobey me and fucking stand me up when I want to celebrate something important to me! Leave…just fucking leave and never come back! I am done with you! If I can't train you correctly then I need to find another girl! Maybe I can trade you for a better more respectful slave!" She yelled and walked back to her bed and sat down.

That was it…I broke. Her words of telling me to leave and never come back, her words of telling me she was done with me, and her words of trading me broke me and she knew it…damn she knew that was my breaking point. Mistress knew I would play her game of cleaning and what ever else she threw at me all day long, and she knew the one thing that would break me…her telling me she was done with me.

"Please, Mistress! Oh God please don't let Miley go! Please don't find anyone else! She'll be good…she promises she'll be better. Please, Mistress…please don't do this to me!" I sobbed and crawled to her and tried to grab her feet but she nudged me away.

"So I should give you another chance, Miley?" She sneered.

"Yes, Mistress…please…please give Miley another chance…she…she will be good…she promises to behave and respect Mistress!" I sob out.

"Go into the closet and bring the spreader, Miley!" She yelled.

I nod and crawl to her walk in closet and get the "spreader". The spreader is a T shaped stainless steel bar. On the top of the T are two sets of shackles on each side one for the hands and one for the feet. On the bottom part of the T is a collar device to lock the "victims" head in place. It does not choke but it does restrict the movements of the head. The victim is placed in the spreader with his or her hands cuffed to the top of the T and their legs are spread wide and they are exposed for anyone to get a nice look at their private area. The hands are then cuffed as well and the person is bent up and movements are very restricted. I had spent some very pleasurable moments in the spreader…moments I enjoyed very much. But I knew today it was going to be used not for pleasure but to punishment. I brought it out and laid it next to her bed and got back down on my knees. I had stopped sobbing now but was still crying some.

"Take off your clothes, Miley, and kneel in the center of the room!" Mistress commanded and I obeyed.

Once naked and kneeling she walked over to me and was holding the smaller Rattan cane in her right hand and lightly tapping it to the palm of her left. She silently taunted me by circling me like a predator circling its prey. The prey that was already down and wounded and that the predator knew could not escape so it was taking its time. She was like a cat that played with its food before it ate. I knew what was coming and I knew it would hurt but I would accept it…I would endure it because I deserved it and because I needed to show Mistress I was a good pet…a well trained pet so she would be pleased with me. That was what was important to me…that was what gave me such joy and happiness…pleasing her. She stood in front of me now.

"Right hand, Miley." She said calmly.

I extended my right hand palm up and closed my eyes tight and tensed as I knew what was coming. I tried to brace myself but it never worked. I hated this…I truly did. It hurt…I mean really hurt. Some people will chuckle and laugh and think "_oh how sexy…the fantasy of a cute Catholic school girl on her knees getting her hand hit by the sexy nun…that is hot!_" Well let me tell you if you think it is hot! Fucking try it! Fucking have someone take a wooden cane about fifteen inches long and as thick as a two large thumbs and have them hit your palm with all their strength…not tap it or lightly playfully smack it…but freaking hit your palm as hard as they can and then fucking tell me if you think it is sexy! Sorry got carried away…I just hate this and it hurts.

I cry out as the Rattan cane made a loud smacking sound and I pull my hand back and tuck it safely in the protective folds of my arm pit. I was crying once again from the pain. "Left!" Mistress shouted and again the smack and the pain and the retraction of my hand and more tears. "Right!" Mistress said and the process was repeated. I was crying harder by the time she hit each palm of my hand twice and then she asked for the right one again. I shook my head and kept it tight in its secure location of my arm pit.

"Miley, right hand now!" Mistress yelled and I flinched but still did not give her my right hand.

"I…i…it hurts, Mistress…please…it hurts." I begged.

"Of course it hurts you stupid girl! It is supposed to hurt. Now give me your fucking right hand or I will give you double!" Mistress screamed.

I slowly brought my trembling right hand out and held it up as Mistress smacked it again. She gave me five smacks on each palm and I was crying and whimpering as my palms burned in pain. I tried to close them…to make a fist and that simple motion hurt. When Mistress stepped away and walked over to her bed I dared to look at my palms and they were red and even showed a few welts.

"On your back, Miley!" Mistress yelled at me and I lay on the floor on my back. I knew what she was going to do next. "Lift your legs!" I lifted my legs and she shackled my ankles in the spreader. "Hands" she commanded and I lifted my arms and Mistress placed my wrists in the spreader's shackles. Next she placed the collar portion of the spreader to my neck. I lay on the floor on my back with my legs spread wide and high in the air, my arms stretched and in the shackles, my body bent so my hands could actually touch my feet, and my head restrained in the collar to restrict my movements. I butt was almost off the floor and my sex was exposed for her to see. It was uncomfortable to say the least but normally I would find pleasure at being bound and bent this way but not today.

I tried to look at Mistress to see what she was going to do first as she walked to her bed but do to the way I was restrained I could not see her until she stood directly over me again. I saw her move back a little and then saw her arm come up and briefly saw the black leather paddle in her hand before it became a blur of motion and struck my butt cheeks. I screamed in the pain of it but there was also something else. The pleasure it gave me. I felt myself get aroused as she paddled me again. Oh the pain hurt and my butt felt like it was on fire after the fourth strike and screamed out but the pleasure….the delightful pleasure it gave me was wonderful. She stuck me five more times and I was so aroused I could feel my wetness of my spread sex as I screamed in the pain but also moaned and panted in the pleasure it gave me.

The paddling would not take me to the edge and Mistress knew that. I was past that point after many play sessions with Mistress. To be taken over the edge from pain I needed more than just the paddling. I needed her floggers and her whips on my skin to reach that point and the paddling would just be foreplay…a starting point. But I knew she was not going to take me there today. She would deny my pleasure from pain…she would deny me any release today. She was teasing me…taunting me…wanting me to beg for more and then laugh as she told me I was not worthy for more. Well…it worked…she got what she wanted as she knew she would. Like I mentioned before…Mistress knew me and my body and its pleasures better than I knew them myself.

"Does that feel good, Miley? I know how much you enjoy the pain." She taunted as she caressed my throbbing butt cheeks with the paddle.

"P…Please…more, Mistress…please more!" I begged her as I cried.

She laughed and I felt her finger tease my clit and I gasped in the pleasure of it. "Oh no…you get no more pleasure, Miley." She teased and then inserted two fingers between the wet folds of my sex and I closed my eyes and moaned loudly in desire. "You are wet, Miley. You should not be wet from the paddling. Paddling is supposed to hurt." She teased me and started making circular motions with her fingers inside me and I was panting now. I wanted more pain; more caressing of my clit, more fingers inside me…I wanted to come.

"Please…please let Miley come, Mistress, she…ohhhhh Gooood…she…she will be good….she will be sooooo good." I was begging and moaning and panting as she kept teasing me with her twisting fingers. I suddenly cried out in frustration as she withdrew her fingers and stood over me and placed them in her mouth.

"Umm…you do taste good, Miley. But no…you get no more pleasure, my little pain whore! You don't deserve any!" Oh how I hated to be called a pain whore or pain slut…I mean yeah I was…I got off on the pain and even needed and craved the pain more times than not…but I hated to be called those names.

I whimpered on the floor trussed up as Mistress walked away from me and then back. I saw now she held the longer Rattan cane in her hand. I had no idea what she was planning…was she going to take me close to that glorious edge and then stop? That really did not sound like her…normally she did that to me while we played and it was not really punishment because she would stop as I got close, play with me or have me please her, then start again, and stop, start, stop…and so on until I was begging for her to never stop and then she would allow me that wonderful feeling. That was pleasure and I knew I was not getting that today. I had no idea what she was planning as I saw her lift her hand and the cane above her head. I closed my eyes and braced for the impact of the cane on my buttocks knowing it would hurt but also feel oh so pleasurable.

I screamed in pure pain…pain not on my butt but on the bottom of my feet. God it hurt…it was the worse pain I ever felt. I was wishing she would beat my palms again as I sobbed and rolled my body over on its side as best as I could to avoid her access to my feet again.

"Role back over, Miley!' Mistress screamed.

"Nooo…p…p…please no…don't…don't do this…please." I begged as I cried. I wanted not more of that pain.

Mistress bent down and pulled my hair, "If you do not role back over and take your punishment I swear I will take you to my play room, put you in the trap, and beat the bottom of your feet raw. Now role the fuck back over!" She shouted in my ear.

Sobbing I rolled over to offer my feet back to her. I closed my eyes once again and held my breath waiting for the pain. I did not wait long as once again I screamed out and rolled back over. "No…p…please no more! P…please, Mistress…please no more!" I pleaded with her.

"Over!" She commanded and slowly I once again gave her my feet. The process was repeated five more times and when she was done Mistress let me out of the spreader and I lay on the floor sobbing and whimpering as the bottom of my feet throbbed in pain.

"Well, don't just fucking lie there! Go take my clothes to the laundry room!" Mistress ordered.

"Y…y…yes, m'am." I replied. Oh she was so cruel today. I loved her…God did I love her, but I hated cruel Mistress. When I tried to stand I fell back to the ground when I got to my feet. Putting any weight on them made it hurt worse. After three tries I finally got to my feet and by walking on my heels I managed to make it to her laundry room and only had to brace myself against the wall four times to prevent me from falling. On the way back to her room I decided to crawl to spare my feet ay more pain. This seemed to amuse Mistress as she looked at me as I crawled back to the center of her room and knelt before her waiting for her next command or punishment.

"Go home, Miley. I am done with you for the day. You will not text me or see me for a month. You will continue with your house hold chores two times a week after school but you had better be done before I get home from work! I do not want to see you or hear from you! And you will NOT give yourself sexual pleasure! Is that understood?"

A month! A month of not seeing her! How could I go a month without seeing her and pleasing her personally! I started to cry again but this time in emotional pain. "No please, Mistress, please don't! Please let Miley show you she can be good! Please don't do this to her…please!" I begged. "Hurt me again…please…anything but that!"

"Go home, Miley!" She ordered again and I crawled form her room and walked to my car on my heels and painfully and slowly drove home as I cried. When I got home I soaked my sore feet in my foot massager and it made them feel a little better, changed into my pajamas, and curled up in bed and cried as I had visions of another girl pleasing Mistress while I was in temporary exile from her presence. I did not sleep well that night or the next or the next as those visions haunted me.

A month later I was at home waiting for Mistress to text me. I had counted the days and even crossed them off on a calendar. I was hoping she had not forgotten about me as I paced my room in nervousness. I had did what she instructed and continued to clean her house, wash her clothes, go to the grocery store for her after seeing the lists she would give me, etc. But I had not seen or heard from her. When I washed her clothes I would smell her panties…just to make sure she was still real. I heard my cell phone chime I had a text and jumped on my bed and rolled off the other side in my excitement and grabbed the phone.

**One hour, my pet. I have missed you.** The text read, grinned like the love sick teenager I was, and I hugged my phone close to my chest. I was in no rush to get dressed. I had been dressed and ready since six o'clock that morning.


	13. Chapter 13

_**Short chapter but moves the story along**_

When I turned eighteen I had two things happen in my life; the first made me love Mistress even more than I thought was possible to love some one in that romantic "I can't live without you" type of love. Oh I had that with Lilly…the "I can't live without you" part of the love but it was not romantic in anyway. I got over my confusion of how I loved her long ago and realized the love I had for my best friend was stronger and deeper than any other love I would ever experience. I loved my family a great deal, yeah even Jackson even when I refused to admit it. He went off to college and I had to admit I missed him. I missed trading insults and pranks with him but I was not going to let him know that; the brother sister love was not supposed to work that way right? I mean we weren't supposed to do things like tell one another we loved each other but just have moments we would do something special for one another and have that brief moment of clarity that we did love one another and then we go back to trying to torment one another like always. That was how brothers and sisters loved one another I guess. And my dad, yeah I loved him so much…the man who had been there for me after mommy died and who took care of me and supported me in the things I did with my life and who I did not have to say "I love you" to all the time…we both knew it was there. Then there was Lilly.

With Lilly it was so different. I loved her as a sister…no more than a sister and more than a girlfriend or for me more than a Mistress. We had a special bond…a love deeper than anything I ever knew or at least that was how I felt. I knew she felt the same but Lilly showed her love differently than I did. Me…I was affectionate and used the words "I love you" often to her but Lilly was different. She loved me that I knew but she was not the type to hug me just to touch me as I did her…oh once I started hugging her or holding her hand she accepted my affections with a smile on her face but she rarely was the instigator of those small touches. That was just Lilly and I accepted it and never begrudged her of it. She showed her love in different ways like being protectiveness of me and watching over me as she always did from the first time we met.

We were seniors in high school now and yes I was still happily and willing serving Mistress, but to Lilly I was not longer "dating" Stephanie. She kept on bugging me to meet her and I finally had to lie to her and tell her that we "broke up". She seemed happy about that and it was really not to hard to hide my lie I hated to tell her. Lilly and the hated Gabe were dating very serious by the time we entered our senior year and they spent a lot of time together just as I was spending more time with Mistress. Oh it did not hurt our friendship in anyway and we were still as close as ever and spent a lot of time together but I had to admit I had my drama queen moments and my tantrums where I would tell her how much I hated Gabe. She would ask me why since the boy was always very nice to me and well…yeah he liked me but I hated him! I never told her…how could I? How could I tell her I was so selfish of her love that I wanted it all to myself when I also was in love with someone else? Yeah the double standard rule applied I guess so I just kept my mouth shut.

As we were seniors and out minds turned to graduation and college and Lilly's even turned to the senior prom. Me? I had no delusions of going to the prom. How could I go? Was I to have Mistress escort me into the building and in front of our high school peers on a collar and leash? The thought was humorous and I did giggle at the thought. No I was not going to the prom…I did not want to go and trust me…no one would even notice I was not there anyway. I was still the outsider and the freak and only had one friend…my Lilly. Then there was college.

I had been accepted to many schools and even offered partial academic scholarships, not that I needed them due to my Hannah money, but I chose a small liberal arts college about two hours from home. I did so for a number of reasons but two of the most important ones were that I would be close to Mistress and be able to come home on weekends with only a short drive and well…I liked the smaller school. I liked the idea of not being in a freshman class with over fifty other students. I thought I could get a better education at a smaller school. Lilly was going to the Arizona State. She got her soccer scholarship there and it broke my heart she was going so far away. She held me as I cried when she told me an assured me distance would never tear us apart and we would see each other all the time on school breaks and the summer. She even told me if I wanted her to she would choose a school closer to home but I knew her love of sports and knew she would have a hard time affording college without her scholarship and I knew she would never let "Hannah" pay for her college. For one of the rare times in my life I did not let my selfish love for her stop me and with tears in my eyes I told her she should go to Arizona State.

I turned 18 during our senior year and as I mentioned two things happened. The first was three days after my actual birthday I was to celebrate my turning legal with Mistress. I had my birthday party with Lilly and dad and Oliver and we went to a fancy restaurant and all of us dressed up and then we went back to my house and had cake and the giving of presents. I had no super huge party like I could have had as Hannah…no Miley had not friends to invite to a large party. All she had was dad, Lilly, and Oliver and that was fine with her. With Mistress I would have a different type of celebration and my mouth was almost watering and my sex was wet with anticipation as I drove to Mistress's house because I knew she was going to give me the gift of pain tonight…my present from her would be that wonderful pain and I was excited and eager to receive it.

I got my gift from Mistress that night but I also got more than I expected. She gave me a gift that I never really thought I would get from her even through I thought of it often. Before she took me out to eat and then later the glorious pain she gave me as a present…a wonderful present. But before that she gave me one present that I loved even more than the pain…Mistress collared me that night and I wept tears of joy as she put her collar around my neck.

What does it mean for a dominant to collar a slave? Why did I cry with joy? Why did my heart almost burst from my chest with pride to wear her collar? The collar was a symbol if not of her love for me…that I now knew I would never have. Oh I had her affection and she cared a great deal for me but after I time I came resigned to the fact Mistress would never love me the way I loved her. I did not think she could or would ever love like that. Yes it hurt…broke my heart when I thought of it so I tried not to think of it and just be content that she cared for me a great deal and how truly fond of me she was. No the collar was her showing she truly owned me now. I was completely hers and I was proud to wear it…happy to wear it since I did love her so. I was her committed slave and she was my committed Mistress.

I had various collars I wore for her at different times. Leather collars with a lock on them that she held to key to when we were alone but the one she gave me that night was the special one…the one I wore everyday and never took off unless she placed a different collar around my neck. To everyone else it appeared as just a gold bar choker with a gold Fleur-de-lis cross dangling from it. I wore that one everyday and never took it off. Lilly would question me on it and I would once again lie and tell her it was a gift from my grandmother back in Tennessee. Not only was I proud to wear it but I knew Mistress was proud of me.

Over the almost year and a half I had been serving her she had trained me well. I had become the almost perfect pet for her. I say almost perfect because I still made some slight mistakes but never ones that caused me to be punished severely as I had been in the past. Now my mistakes were just small ones and my punishment were time outs in the corner or small periods of orgasm denial. Yes I was a well trained submissive and I was proud to be so…I was happy to be so and I finally felt I had a place where Miley belonged. I could now read Mistress's moods and know without a word from her how to please her and what to do just by a look from her. She had trained me to where she had complete control over me and I would respond to her orders with just a snap of her fingers or a look from her. She no longer had to use her voice for me to respond to her commands. I was hers and proud to be so and happy to be so.

The next thing that happened when I turned 18 was something that took a little getting used to but once I did I learned to enjoy the pleasures it gave me. Mistress introduced me to "play parties". Now that I was 18 I could attend then with her. Not the commercial BDSM clubs since they had a 21 or over age restriction on getting in to them but private play parties hosted by others in the lifestyle and at times even by Mistress herself in her home. Why did it take getting used to? I mean almost everything that was done at those parties we did in the privacy of Mistress's home but there was two things that I had to get used to. One was when Mistress allowed another dominant to use me as she watched. That took getting used to because I was not used to another's whims and desires but I soon loved to enjoy it because the pleasure it gave me. My own physical pleasure when that other dominant took me over the edge with pain I so much desired, the pleasure I got out of serving another, and more importantly the pleasure it gave my Mistress to see me please another. I saw it in her eyes…how it pleased her and the pride she had for me for being her well trained submissive. The next was harder for me because of my own jealousy of Mistress…the times she allowed another submissive to join us and please her.

I hated that at first! God did I hate that! The first time it happened was with a very pretty blonde submissive and after long moments of Mistress dominating the both of us with her delightful instruments of torture (I did take pride and get satisfaction when the blonde slut had to use her safe word and I did have to use mine) took us to a private bedroom to please her sexually. When the blonde whore dropped her head between Mistress legs I got so jealous I actually kicked her and told her to leave MY Mistress alone. My punishment that night was to be placed in a cage and forced to watch the blonde tramp please Mistress for the night. I soon grew used to it and even learned to enjoy it and it became no problem for me to agree with ones Mistress selected for an additional play partner. I also saw the pride in her eyes for me when I soon became one of the most popular "play toys" at those group parties due to how well behaved I was and the fact I could take what most of the others could not…the wonderful pain with few limits. But Mistress was selective in her partners or who I was allowed to play with so I never refused her.

Her own parties she hosted I loved. She did not host many due to the fact her house was really not set up like some of the others we attended. Some of those homes had fully equipped "dungeons" and private play rooms that were delightful. No Mistress's parties were smaller with select dominants she knew and liked were invited. But I loved them not just for the play but because at her parties I was the alpha sub. I controlled the other submissive people and it was my job and duty to make sure they served perfectly. Oh I was also a submissive and respected the dominants and walked around scantly clad or naked at times but it was my job to make sure they were happy. I felt like a major domo of the queen's court. When a dominant wanted something it was my job to make sure they got it. When the food trays were running low it was my job to make the other subs "jumped to it" and have the trays replenished. I would walk about the room making sure all drinks were always full and if not I would look at another sub, snap my fingers, and he or she would fill the drinks. It was my job to make sure dinner was served on time and correctly and no mistakes were made. I knew if a mistake was made I would be the one to be punished not the submissive who made the error. I was in charge of them so it was my responsibility to make sure they got everything perfect. There was a time at the first party another sub spilled a dominant's drink and it was I who Mistress punished in front of everyone so I learned to make sure the parties went perfect. I did and Mistress was always so proud of me.

Soon when at those parties I became so easy for me. Mistress would take me to a room and tell me to please whoever was in there and I did…no doubts or jealousy and I did enjoy it. Did it happen all the time? No but yes it happened. You can think I was a whore or slut or any other name you wish to call me, but I was not! I was a well trained pet for her Mistress who would do anything to please the Mistress she loved. You may say Mistress used me or "pimped me out" but that is not true. For those who believe that I tell them they can have their opinions as I have mine and they just don't understand or want to understand the lifestyle I came to love and be a part of.

That became my life…and I loved my life. I relished in my secret life I hid from Lilly and my family and others. But it was Lilly I wanted to hide it from the most. While I knew my dad would freak and put me in a mental ward if he found out…teasing here but he would be freak out and be highly upset…it was Lilly I was afraid to let know the most. My dad I could bear…it would be hard very hard…but Lilly would be the one that would hurt me the most. That day came for me and it changed everything…it changed her love for me.


	14. Chapter 14

I determined in my life I suffered three tragedies…to me they were to others they my have been just me being a drama queen that I can be at times…but to me they hurt…they hurt me to my soul and broke my heart. The first was when my mother died…that one people can understand. The second came three weeks after my nineteenth birthday and the third came later.

I was nineteen for three weeks and I was on my way home to see Mistress. I missed her so much and had not seen her since she gave me that wonderful birthday gift that fed my addiction…the glorious pain that resulted in all the blissful benefits for me that came with it. The previous weekend she had job responsibilities and was out of town, but I came home anyway to clean her house, water her plants, and other household duties she instructed me to take care of and then spent the rest of the weekend with my family. But this weekend I was all hers. I was not going to see my dad…he did not even know I was coming home. This weekend I was spending with her…to serve her in every way she requested of me. I was giddy with excitement as I drove the two hours to her home. Maybe…just maybe she would give me that treat…my reward for cleaning her house and obeying her the weekend she was gone. I had hopes but knew deep down she would not. She knew when to control my addiction and reserved it only for very special occasions or when she was extremely pleased with me. Cleaning her house was a duty…a chore that I did and to her it was nothing special. To her it was one of my responsibilities. But still…I was excited to see her and hoping she would let me touch her…just a small touch and I would be ecstatic…and then if she let me please her sexually I would be in heaven. God did I miss and love her!

I arrived at her house on time and went to her back door and got on my knees and knocked. I smiled up at her lovely face when she opened the door for me and let me in.

"Come." She said and walked to her small kitchen table and sat down.

I obeyed and walked into her home, knelt on the kitchen floor with my head down but a smile on my lips…God it was good to see her again.

"How may Miley please Mistress tonight?" I gave my usual request.

"Miley…come and sit next to me." She ordered and I was shocked. She never let me sit at the table with her and the sound of her voice…it held sadness and that scared me.

I got up and sat down in the chair and placed my head down waiting her next request. I felt her take my hand…I was excited I got to touch her but still afraid. Mistress never showed this…this affection to me.

"Miley, look at me, dear." She said and I head came up and focused on her green eyes. Was that tears I saw in them? No…it could not be. Mistress never showed tears! _Oh god what did I do _ran through my mind and I felt my own eyes get watery.

"Miley, I care for you. You are a wonderful pet and you have served me very well. You have pleased me a great deal and are very well trained, but…but I must release you, Miley. I must take back my collar and you are free from your service to me." She said in an emotional voice.

My throat tightened and I swear my heart stopped as it dropped to my stomach. _Oh God what did I do the deserve this? How did I not please her?_ I got up, dropped to my knees before her and cried. "Why? Please, Mistress, please! Miley will be good…Miley will be better, she promises! Please…let Miley make it up to Mistress! Oh God…please don't do this to her! She…she begs you! Pleeaase! Punish her! Punish her until she can't take it anymore…until she cries and begs for Mistress to stop…anything…Oh God…anything but this! Pleeease!" I started sobbing as I begged her.

"No, Miley." I feel her hand start to gently caress my hair. "It is not you, my pet. You have been a joy to train and such a good girl…a wonderful pet. But I have taken a promotion at my job and I am relocating to Dallas, Texas in a two weeks. I am sorry, Miley. I shall miss you." She told me kindly.

"NOOOO!" I scream forgetting my place and who I was in my heart break. "Please…please take me with you! I beg you…I will be good…I will please you…please Mistress…please take me with you! I will be a good slave…please don't do this to me!" I sob and wrap my arms around her legs as I beg and plead for her to take me with her…to allow me to serve her forever.

Mistress pried my hands from her legs, which did take force since I clutched onto her dearly, and stood as I prostrated myself on the floor in front of her still sobbing and begging.

"Miley, hand me your collar." She ordered me calmly.

"Noooo!" I scream again as I clutch the small charm with my right fist. My collar...how could she ask me for that? The symbol of not only who I was but more importantly the symbol of the bond I had with Mistress. The symbol of her ownership of me, her protection of me, my devotion to her…and my love for her…how could she strip this away from me? How could she be so cruel?

"Please…Oh God…please no! Don't…don't do this to me! Please take me with you…please…I'll be good…I'll make sure I am good….please, Mistress! Take me with you! I'll make you proud of me…I promise! I'll be good!" In my heart broke body all I could think about was what did I do to make her want to release me. I would do anything to have her take me with her…to give me the privilege to continue to serve her.

"Miley, I can't take you with me, dear. You know that. You have your school and your family and your friend Lilly. You would not be happy with me when I move. I will text you with my new address and my cell number will not change. You may call me from time to time if you need me or my advice." She said as her hand reached to my neck to take the collar off me.

I pulled back and crawled to the corner of the kitchen and curled up on the floor. "Nooo…please…don't! Let me prove it, Mistress, let me prove to you I will be a good pet! Please!" I continued to beg. I would have went with her. I knew that and I would have gone without a second thought, but days later as I would stay in my dorm room and cry in my misery I knew she was right. I would not have been happy if I would have went with her, but right then…at that terrible moment in my life all I could think about was pleasing her…proving to her I would be good…I would behave…I would do anything without limits to serve her.

Mistress walked over to me and pulled me up by my hair and slapped my face. For once in my life the pain from my hair being pulled and my face slapped did not excite me…it did nothing to me…I was numb inside…I was dead inside as she ripped the choker off my neck. She then took my tear streaked cheeks in her hands, bent down, and kissed my lips gently and then gave me a tight hug. When done she stood up and looked down at me with sad eyes.

The look in her eyes did it to me. I never saw them sad. Angry, furious, pleased, satisfied, filled with sexual bliss, and filled with pride of me I had seen in those eyes…but never sadness. I knew then it was over.

I gave wailing sob and grabbed her feet again and started kissing them. "Please…please no, Mistress…Oh God please NOOOO!" I screamed.

"Go, Miley! Leave…you are free!" She yelled and I looked up at her and through my tears I saw something on her face I had never seen before…a single tear drop rolled down her cheek. She wiped it off quickly. "GO!" She yelled again and I got up, still sobbing, and left her house forever and I dared to glance back once more and my last vision of my mistress…the person who taught me so much and helped me discover who I was and who I am…the person I loved so dearly…the last sight of her was her back as it walked from the kitchen into one of her other rooms.

I got in my car and did not know what to do…where to go. Home? No I could not go there. Lilly….yes Lilly…I needed Lilly! I needed to talk to her…to get comfort from her…I needed the only person in my life who loved me in such a deep way. But no…I could not call her. She was in Arizona at school and she knew nothing of my secret life and I could not tell her…she would never understand or accept the true me…the real Miley. I drove crying and sobbing back to school.

As I drove my mind went crazy…what was I to do now? What was to happen to me with no one to control me…to give me the guidance I needed….craved in my life. Who was going to give me that pleasure of serving them….who was going to feed my addiction to the pain I desired. I was lost…I had no direction and did not know what to do. I cried the entire two hour drive back to school…heart broken and lost that Mistress released me.

Over the last few months left in my freshman year of college I walked around in a daze. It was good for me that my grades were already high enough that the last few weeks did not really damage my GPA and did not harm my scholarship. I was hurt and had no direction in my life and I was lost…so lost without her and her commands…I could not function and spent my time between classes in my room locked away from the world. Three weeks after my release I even drove to Mistress's house to beg her again to take me back but when I got there I saw a for sale sign and the house empty. I once again cried on the two hour drive back to college.

I called Lilly often and let her attempt to comfort me over the phone and it did help…she was always a help. Of course I did not tell her how long I had been serving Mistress or who Mistress really was. She had thought I ended my relationship with Stephanie a long time ago. All Lilly thought was that I had been dating a girl for several months and she hurt me…I hated to lie to her but I could never let her discover my other self…my true self. I know I may tell her someday…but I wanted that day to be way in the future. Yes Lilly helped but as much as I loved her, her help only carried me so far. I needed Mistress to tell me what to do and she was gone.

It was two weeks into the summer break from school as I sat alone one afternoon in my room. I was still feeling the effects of Mistress being gone from my life when the need for the pain I so desired started its craving once again. I fought it off in the past with success but today it was unbearable. I needed it…I needed my fix. I was in a sub frenzy. What is a sub frenzy? A desire and craving a submissive gets for the need to be dominated, to serve, and in my case to feel the pain and the wonderful effects it gave me. I was pacing my room thinking about it…about the play times Mistress and I used to have and the play times I had with other Mistresses who used my body for their own pleasures. I wanted that again…I needed that again.

I signed on my computer and read my emails and then saw there was a play party I was invited to. I was still on their email list and I was always invited but it was not until two weeks. I could not last two weeks! I then sighed and went to a website that was a personal website for the BDSM community. I had heard about it from others in the lifestyle and checked it out. It seemed legit and catered to both dominants and submissives that were looking for a long term relationship or just a casual play partner. I was looking for a casual play partner. I was still in love with Mistress and knew no one could compare to her. I entered my credit card information to join, completed a profile of what I was looking for and what I was into and where I lived (the city and state only), and even uploaded a few pictures of me that I edited to not show my face. They were not explicit photos as some put on the site but just normal pictures of me. I then clicked on the button that read "online now and ready to play" and waited.

I started to get bombarded with emails and chat attempts from all types. Men (even thought I clearly stated I was looking for a female) who gave me explicit and even sick emails how they would use me. Both men and women who were miles and miles away who wanted to dominant me online…that was something I could never understand…online domination. Yes Mistress had me play for her on my webcam while away from her and it was fun but it was fun because it was Mistress, but I could get no satisfaction of doing things online with anyone else. I heard some did and it was rewarding and after time they even met and had relationships…but not me…that did not work for me. I got other emails and chat attempts I just ignored and deleted. After hours I was about to give up when I got a chat request from a female who was somewhat local.

I looked over her profile and her picture and saw she lived about an hour and a half from me and that was nice. I looked over her interests and they were very similar to mine and got a shiver as it read she liked to give pain. I then looked at her picture…not that I really cared what she looked like. I mean does a heroin addict care what color package his drug comes in? Does a crank addict care what shape the crystals are? No they just care where their drug takes them and as with them that was what I cared about…where she could take me and not what she looked like. To my surprise she was reasonably attractive and in her mid thirties. I did not care about her age. I was nineteen and it would be legal. I accepted her chat request.

It was not long after we chatted for a while, me showing her myself on the webcam (nothing explicit) to let her know my photos were real and her showing herself to me…like I cared…and we agreed to meet for the evening. She told me to meet her at a coffee shop that was close to her home, told me to dress casual but also told me to bring an outfit to change into and told me what type and the time to meet her. There were would talk further and if agreed we would go to her home and play.

I changed into a jean mini skirt and tee shirt (yes even without Mistress I still only wore dresses and skirts and I now detested wearing jeans and pants) and then I went into my Hannah closet to choose the outfit she told me to wear. I had placed a combination lock on the door to my Hannah closet in case dad got a little carried away and nosey…he never did but it was better to be safe than sorry, and also to my emotional discomfort to keep Lilly out as well. Luckily since I put Hannah on hold at sixteen we out grew her designer clothes and she had little reason to step into my Hannah closet. She seemed like she had even forgotten it was there. The reason behind my secretiveness was that I had transformed one side on my Hannah closet to my Miley the submissive closet…my fetish wear and toys.

I had very short skirts of leather and latex and clothe and the tops to match. I had uniforms of various types from plaid school girl to nurse uniforms…I even had a nun's habit (never did that one but the thought excited me) and I had silk slave girl outfits like that belly dancers wore. Shoes and boots of latex and leather of different styles lined the racks. I also had various sex toys like vibrators and dildos and anal toys as well as some whips and floggers and paddles hanging the walls. Never used the whips and stuff that I had but you never knew when the opportunity may present itself and subs were like boy scouts…always be prepared. I selected my school girl uniform, white thigh highs and black paten leather Mary Janes and giggled (why did people love the school girl fetish) but I would dress as told.

I met her…lets call her Mistress X…at the coffee shop and of course I was on time…I was well trained after all…and we talked for a while and she was pleased with my respect and behavior and I was pleased with her dominating ways and she took me back to her house. One thing I did not like was that she was married. Her husband was out of town but according to her he did not mind if she "played" and knew about her life. I questioned two things. One…was her husband really out of town and two did she have kids. If she was expecting me to play with her and her husband I would go home…I played with men per Mistress's request but I did not prefer it. And the kids thing…no way was I going to play with a married woman with children. See I did still have morals left. She told me no kids and yes hubby was not home and she would not do this if he was so I agreed.

I will not go into details of what she did to me…by now you get the point of what I enjoy and what I was looking for. I will say she was very good at what she did and was an experienced Mistress. She brought me to the intensity of the pain I was craving and needing and then some. Of course I pleased her several times sexually and toys were used as well as wonderful torture devices. She even surprised me when I reached my subspace she allowed me to stay and enjoy my high and then even took care of me after I crashed. I ended up spending the night with her and the next day she took me to my car, told me to get in touch with her again when I wanted to play, and I went home. I never saw Mistress X again. I got what I wanted and needed, gave her what she wanted, and that was it.

I was satisfied and my fix was fulfilled until the next time I needed it. The next time…that was the horror show…that was when my worlds came crashing together…but that comes later because in a few days my Lilly was coming home from her college soccer camp and the thought of seeing her replaced all other needs in my life…for a while at least.


	15. Chapter 15

My Lilly came home and the first month and a half of my summer was great! There was no Gabe around, he was doing some internship at some newspaper in San Diego, and while I truly missed Mistress and would still cry at times when alone in my bed I had to admit it was nice to have just Miley/Lilly time. It was wonderful and she even made me forget about my cravings and urges for the pain and the need to be dominated. Then I did something that I until recently I never thought of before. Lilly became like my surrogate Mistress. I don't mean in the sexual way but in other ways she began to fill my need to serve someone I cared about.

I would clean her room for her without her asking, even go to the point of cleaning her room when she was not home, and I would help with her chores around the house, give her manicures and pedicures, and other small things. Lilly thought I was just being me and the neat freak I can be at times and the silly affectionate girl she knew I was. I was fulfilling my need to serve and be a submissive through her. All except the sexual part and the "play times". Truthfully I did not want her that way anymore. Oh yes there were times a while back I would try things like kiss her and all, but now I saw her differently. Not only was she my beautiful best friend but I saw her as untouchable…a goddess us mere mortals had not right to touch. Even the much hated Gabe had not right to touch her…how could he? A mortal man dare to touch a goddess? No, Lilly deserved more…so much more. Lilly deserved an Achilles, a Hercules, a Peruses…someone with at least the blood of the gods in their veins if not a god himself.

Yes the summer was wonderful until he came back…that terrible boy who treated Lilly with respect and kindness and even had the nerve to like me and be kind to me…Gabe! He came back in late July and Lilly soon started spending her time with him and I hated him for it! Then I saw something else that scared me. They were in love! I mentally kicked myself for not seeing it before but there it was; the way they looked at one another and the way they chuckled and Lilly giggled at their private jokes! The way they always had to be touching one another! They loved one another and I felt lost…he was going to take her away from me! I did not know what to do? How could I stop them? How could I stop him from taking Lilly way from me? I was so selfish of her love that I wanted no one else to have it.

August was not a good month for me. Lilly was spending more time with Gabe and that left me time to think about Mistress and that led to my thinking about how unfulfilled my life was and my need to be dominated started to come back and it came back hard at times in the form of small panic attacks. I fought them off but then it happened…one I could not fight off and I knew what I needed and I knew where to go. I sat down at my computer and signed on the personal website again. I was disappointed that Mistress X had removed her profile and once again I went through the emails and chat requests for hours until one caught my interest and I accepted her chat request.

MistressMalice – are you for real?

Subinneed – sorry, m'am, I don't understand

MistressMalice – your profile you stupid girl! Are you really into what your profile reads?

I had to admit her response got me excited. I had not been called anything close to that or worse in a long time.

Subinneed – yes, m'am.

MistressMalice – do you have a webcam?

Subinneed – yes, m'am.

MistressMalice – show me now.

I did and that was it. She lived only forty five minutes away and once again I was going into my Hannah closet to gather my fetish outfit and off I went. We met in public at a small diner and talked, went over my few limits, safeword (I chose the standard word "Red" for her because for some reason I felt my safeword of "Snow White" was reserved for Mistress…former Mistress…only), and we both agreed to play. To be honest she was not attractive at all but I did not care. She was going to give me what my body craved and wanted and that was all I cared about.

Again I won't go into most of the details of how things got started; it started as the normal routine…I swear I think Dominants have a manual about how they dominant a sub…verbal humiliation, tied me up and used various toys in all of my orifices until I came, and then she had me please her orally. Then she started what I really wanted. The wonderful pain I so badly wanted. I was led to her basement and was impressed with the "play room" she had and she cuffed my hands in front of me with padded handcuffs and had me walk up a three step stepladder and placed the chain of the cuffs in a hook from the ceiling and then kicked the ladder away. I groaned in pain as my body fell and the tension of my body pulled at my shoulders. God did that hurt! I of course had been suspended before but never had that happen.

I was dangling as my shoulders ached as they were pulled and my feet were trying to find the floor with no luck. She had suspended me so I could not touch the floor. No problem…I had been here before. I fought my mind's natural instinct of fear and tried to relax and then I felt it. The searing pain of leather across my back and I screamed out and then screamed again as another lash burned into my back. She was using a whip of some sort…that I could tell. I screamed over and over as I fought the urge to use my safeword as the pain was terrible but the pleasure I got from it was wonderful…that double edged sword. So it went and I knew I was going to have welts and even felt my skin break but I did not care…I wanted more and more. She changed her instruments of torture from whip to flogger to cane to crop and I was almost there…I was reaching the edge. The marks on my body I knew she was leaving were of no concern. The lacerations I knew were there I cared less about…I just wanted more and more to be taken over the edge…to the extreme and beyond.

As I felt my body building to the wonderful release the pain gave me and also slipping into that wonderful feeling of my high she stopped. Oh I cried and begged her to continue and she laughed at me as she decided to do other things to me and penetrated me anally as I hung from her ceiling. When done and her desires satisfied she started her pleasurable torture once again. She soon gave me what I craved and I came with a powerful orgasm and slipped into my subspace as she continued to give me pain, but I did not care…the pain I no longer felt much of as my euphoric state was on me. She soon stopped and taunted me by calling me names like pain whore, slut, and many others but again…who cared?

I then felt her pull my head back by my hair and I in my current state I giggled at the sensation and something was placed around my head and something placed in my mouth. I gag…a ball gag. I thought with humor why is she doing this? I told her no gags…I did not play with gags when it was someone I did not know. While I had not used my safe word in a long time you could never be too careful when you enjoyment and pleasure came from something like this.

I shook my head to tell her no. Why was she trying to ruin my high? I thought as she tightened the gag. I tried to protest but it was a weak attempt to stop her in the state of mind I was in…I just wanted to enjoy it and then suddenly there was a flash and then another one and another one and I twist around and see Mistress Malice with a camera taking pictures. I begged and pleaded through the gag for her to stop and she laughed at me. She then wanted me to spread my legs for her and her camera to expose myself but I crossed them and twisted my body away from her to try and hid myself from her and the camera.

She walked over to me and pulled my hair back again and yelled and cursed at me as I begged her through my gag to stop and then my eyes grew wide in fear and I started giving muffled screams of my safe word. "Red" I yelled over and over trying to make my words understood through the gag as she held a blade to my face…it was a box cutter. One of those devices commonly found in stores and the razor blade part was pressed to my check as she told me to stop screaming and do as she said or she would cut me. My high was gone now. My fear brought me out of my euphoric state and also brought back the pain she had given me earlier. My back burned, my buttocks seemed on fire, and my chest ached from what she did to me as I started to crash…come down from my high.

The cruel woman threatened me…she said she was going to cut me, to cut my face, my breasts, and to cut off my nipples if I did not do as she said. I screamed through the gag I would do anything she wanted if she would not hurt me anymore. I was scared…so frightened as I cried and whimpered to agree to anything she wanted me to do. Mistress…no she was not a true Mistress…she was a sadist…Sadist Malice walked away and brought back the stepladder, had me climb it, and unhooked me from her ceiling telling me to climb down. I struggled and slowly did as I was told in my weak state.

As I was on the bottom step she kicked the small ladder from under my feet and I fell to the ground and my face hit the ladder…my right eye started to throb in pain where it struck one of the steps and I lay on the floor whimpering and crying begging her to stop. She laughed at me and as I tried to crawl away from her she grabbed my hair and told me to obey. I did….what choice did I have? She then pulled me to the corner of the room and I half crawled and was half pulled and placed on a small cot as she posed me in various positions and started taking more pictures of me. In my fear I did so willingly so she would not hurt me anymore…not cut me as she said she would if I did not obey her.

When done she dressed me in my "after play clothes" (I brought along a pair of sweet pants and an oversized sweat shirt). I had learned to have these clothes with me because the looseness of them on my body after an intense "session". I was crying and leaning on her as she walked me out of her house, to her car, and then she drove me back to mine and told me to "get the fuck out" and of course I did…I was happy to be away from her and glad she did not cut me with the blade as she threatened. When I got out of her car I fell to the ground and crawled the short distance to mine, unlocked it, and crawled in the front seat.

I was hurting…I was in pain as I crashed from my high and crying. The parking lot of the diner was deserted now and well lit but I needed to get home…to go to bed. I tried to place my keys in the ignition but my hands were trembling to much and I was panting and breathing hard as my whole body seemed to be shaking and I could feel the blood running down my back. I was hurt…and maybe very badly this time and I just wanted to go home! But how? I could not drive…I could not stay here either. How was I going to get home? I painfully leaned over and opened my glove compartment, took out my wallet and cell phone, and thought of who I could call. As I ran down my contact list on my phone I let out a weak chuckle…not in humor but in how pathetic I was. The only "real people" I had on my list were my dad, Lilly, and Mistress. The rest were just phone numbers of different stores and restaurants and movie theaters. God I was such a loser, I thought.

Who could I call…my dad was in Tennessee for the next two weeks visiting my grandmother and Jackson (who was attending the University of Tennessee and did not come home for the summer) and like I would call him anyway, Mistress…well she was in another state and could not help plus she would scream and yell at me for being so stupid. That left only one person…a person I knew would come get me and help me. A person I did not want to call and never wanted her to find out about my secret life. No I could not call Lilly. I could never let her know. I decided to ride it out…to sit in my car and wait. I tried to start my car again and when I moved the pain ran through me and I was still shaking. I slowly lifted my sweat shirt and reached behind me to feel my back and looked at it and saw blood. Who was I fooling…I needed help. With so much fear and regret I called Lilly.

"Uhhh…hello." I heard her sleepy voice and looked at the clock in my car and saw it was after two in the morning.

The sound of her voice made me cry harder. "Miley…Miles…what's wrong!" Lilly said as she knew who it was now that she was awake.

"L…L…Lilly…I…I'm hurt…I…I need help." I whimpered out.

"What happened and where are you?"

I told her where I was but not what happened. "Miley what's going on? Were you in an accident? What the hell are you doing out there?" She started a list of questions and I cried harder.

"P…please…come get me and take me home." I answered and interrupted her questions.

"Ok." She simply said and hung up.

All I had to do was wait now. She would come as I knew she would. My protector and goddess would come help me, but then what? What do I tell her? How do I tell her? I looked in my vanity mirror and saw my eye was already beginning to bruise. Oh God what am I going to tell her. I started crying as I dropped the seat of my car down and curled up and waited.

I was startled by a knock on my window and saw Lilly standing by my car. I unlocked the door and tried to get out and would have fallen to the ground if she had not supported me. I gave a sharp intake of breath as she tried to hold me and touched my sore body. She did not say a word as she led me to her car and placed me in the passenger seat. When she got in she looked at me and I saw she was crying and that made me cry even harder.

"Miley…what the fuck is going on?" She asked. I just shook my head refusing to talk as I looked out the window of her car. "Damn it! Talk to me!" She yelled and I shook my head. "Fuck! Ok we are taking you to the ER…who did this to you? And…and we are calling the cops!" I looked at her then and her eyes were life fire in her anger. "Did…did someone rape you, Miley?" She asked.

I shook my head, "N…no…please just take me home. I…I just want to go home."

"No! Someone hurt you…and hurt you bad! We are going to the hospital and calling the police!"

"NO!" I scream. "I…I…no hospital…they'll call daddy. I…I am on his insurance and…and they'll call him. And…and no police…I…I wasn't raped."

Lilly slammed her hands on the steering wheel of her car and then glared at me. "I am not fucking going anywhere until you tell me what is going on! What happened and who hurt you?" She yelled. God she always protected me or was my angel of revenge to those who hurt me but this was one time I did not want her to. I just wanted to go home, to stop hurting, and to forget this night ever happened. I opened my door and started to get out.

"I…I just want to go home." I said again as I tried to get out of her car. I would take myself home. It was a mistake to call her.

"Oh my God! Is the blood! Miley your back is bleeding! It has soaked your shirt!" She yells with concern in her voice and gently grabbed my arm and pulled me back in her car. She looked at my wrist and saw the bruise starting to form from the padded cuffs. Normally they would not have left a mark like that but I was suspended for a long period of time.

Lilly tried to lift my shirt but I held it down and jerked back and even that quick movement made me wince in pain. "I…I just want to go home…please take me home." I said as I look at the floor board of her car. I was crying once more.

Lilly started the car, "Put your seat belt on." She whispered and I did.

She drove for about five minutes and I would glance at her on occasion as she focused harder than normal on the road and I could tell she was mad…no she was pissed. I had only seen her this mad before and that was with Johnny. Was she mad at me? I did not know but the thought hurt me more than the physical pain. I needed to now.

"L…Lilly…i…it is not what you think." I whisper out.

She makes a quick glance at me and then looks back to the road. "What the fuck does that mean? It is not what I think! Somebody hurt you Miley. You back is bleeding and you won't let me look at it, you have a black eye and the bruises on your arms! You have no fucking idea what I am thinking and we are going to the fucking hospital and calling the fucking police!" She yelled.

I could not do that…I could not go to the hospital because dad would find out and then all the questions Lilly was asking he would ask as well. The police? What would they do and what could they do? I would have to tell them I was not raped or assaulted and everything that happened I consented to! Well not everything but most of it. I took a deep breath and hated what I had to do next…what I had to say.

"Lilly…please…I…what happened…I…I wanted it. I was not raped or abused…I…I agreed to it." I said softly.

Lilly quickly pulled over, "What the fuck did you say? What do you mean you wanted it? You agreed to it? You…you wanted someone to beat you, Miley? I don't understand."

I was not looking at her…I could not look at her. "Please…just take me home. I…I'll try to explain but right now I just want to go home because it really hurts now."

Lilly pulled back on the road and did not say another word to me as she drove. Explain to her? How was I going to explain to a girl I loved…adored…a girl I looked up to so much and put on this pedestal; an unattainable pedestal next to my mother. On the silent ride home I sunk lower in the car seat in pain and cried and regretted my choice to call Lilly to help me. I would have been better off waiting in my car and letting some other terrible thing to happen to me than to let her into my secret life.


	16. Chapter 16

As Lilly drove me home she did not say another word to me and I was conflicted if I wanted her to. I wanted her to talk to me and tell me she loved me and I was her best friend and she cared for me but one the other hand I welcomed her silence because I did not want the questions that I knew were going through her lovely head. I was curled up in the passenger set enduring the pain and was exhausted. My body ached and I was drained of all energy as can happen sometimes when I crashed from the pain that fed my addiction. I would occasionally glance at her and she never once looked at me…not once. It was as if I was not even there to her. We both cried as she drove. Me…I was crying and whimpering not just in the physical pain but the pain of my heartbreak of what I knew Lilly thought of me. She…she cried silently and the only indication of her crying was the tears that came down her cheeks she would occasionally wipe off. I knew why she cried and any other time I would have loved her for it but not this time…this time I just felt shame in what I did. Lilly cried because I was hurt and I would not let her help me…I did not want her help.

Shame? For the first time since I discovered my life as a submissive I felt ashamed of who I was. I used to be proud of my lifestyle choice…and it was that. I chose to live this life and be a well trained submissive. Mistress may have trained me and led me to who I was and who I became, she may have opened my eyes to the world I loved…the world of BDSM, the world where I enjoyed the pain, no more than enjoyed it, I wanted it and craved it. She may have opened my eyes to serving her in everyway both sexually and non-sexually and opened my eyes to the "parties" and opened my eyes to being a play thing for others and enjoying the pleasures of another submissive or dominant. She may have opened my eyes to who I was and the true me that gave me such joy and pleasure in everyway. It was not just about the sex or the pain or the domination; it is about so much more and the joy and pleasure and satisfaction and pride…yes pride…of who I was and what I am. She just opened my eyes to all of it, but it was always my choice to live this way and my choice to continue to live this way if I so chose. No one "made" me do the things I did. I did them because I loved it and discovered it was who I truly am.

Yes that night was terrible and things happened I did not want but that was not the norm…that was not what a true D/s relationship is about. That was abuse by a sadist and it was caused by my own stupidity and no one else's. I had no one to blame but myself. So why was I ashamed? I was never ashamed of who I was before…I always took pride in who I was and I saw that pride in Mistress's eyes as she would "show me off" to others at parties. So why was I ashamed now for the first time? Because of her…Lilly…I could not stand her to think I was disgusting or a freak or be ashamed of me. She made me feel ashamed of who I was.

We got back to my house and I quickly opened my door and ran upstairs to my room ignoring the pain and went into my bathroom and locked the door. I looked at my face in the mirror and winced as I felt my swollen bruise under my eye but it was not really too bad. I had a worse one when I got hit by that football in gym class when I was fifteen. I then took a deep breath and pulled my sweatshirt off or tried to. I gave a whimper as the cotton material was not stuck to the flesh on my back by the blood. I knew it was going to hurt…like ripping off a band aid and that was something I always hated to do. I took a deep breath again and slowly started to peel the shirt off me and only got a little way before I stopped. The pain was too much as the blood clotted the shirt to my welts. I was about to try again and then stopped as I heard the knock on my bathroom door.

"G…go home, Lilly." I said softly.

"Open the fucking door, Miley!" Lilly said sternly.

I ignored her and tried to pull the shirt off again and still no luck. Lilly knocked again and I let down the lid of my toilet and sat down and started crying once more.

"P…please…please…leave me alone." I told her. I soon heard the door open and Lilly gave me a small smile.

"I told you a long time ago that these doors were easy to open when locked. What…what can I do to help?" She asked me.

I look at her and smile a little, "I can't get my shirt off."

"Stand up and let me help…but I swear, Miley, if it looks bad I am going to take you to the hospital even if I have to knock you out to do it."

I shrug as I stand, "I…I have had worse." I lied. I have had some rough sessions with Mistress and others but nothing this bad I did not think. I would not know until I looked at my back.

Lilly pulled my shirt off me quickly and I let out a small yelp of pain as the material pulled on the skin of my back. I turn to see myself in the mirror and when I do I see her. She took several steps back and almost tripped over the tub and her face was white.

"Oh God, Miley…what…what happened? What…what was done to you? It looks like you have been tortured." She said softly and with fear in her voice.

It broke my heart to see her staring at me like that but I ignored her for the moment and look at my back. It was smeared with dried blood and that was a good sign. It meant the lacerations had clotted and I was not longer bleeding. There were a few places that were bleeding a little but that was due to the scabs being pulled off when Lilly took my sweat shirt off. I would not know how bad the lacerations would be or how many welts broke the skin until I washed the blood from my back. Yeah…I kind of got to be a semi expert on how bad things like this were on me. I admit through while I had at times suffered welts that broke the skin, could not be helped really regardless of how good the mistress was at delivering her wicked administrations, sometimes it happened. Never this bad through but I really did not think I needed a doctor. I had enough antiseptics in my bathroom medicine cabinet to help with infection. I just needed to take a bath and wash the blood away and that was going to hurt.

I then turn to Lilly as she started at me still white faced. "I…I'm sorry, Lilly." Was all I could say.

"Miley, tell me…you have to tell me what happened. In the car you said you wanted this. I don't understand. How…how could you want this?"

I go to take her hand but she gently pushed me back and that hurt me…to have her of all people reject me. "No, Miley. You tell me…you tell me right now! You said you would explain it to me! Oh God how…how could you let someone do that to you?" She had tears in her eyes again.

"I…I can't, Lilly. Please…please don't make me. I…I just can't." Tears fell down my cheeks and I tried to go to her again but once more she pushed me away.

"Yes you can and you will, Miley! Look at you! Look at your fucking back! I want to know what the hell is going on and I want to right now! Did she do this to you? Did that bitch Stephanie do this? You told me you and her broke up a long time ago, Miley…did…did she do this to you?" Lilly was yelling now.

"No she did not do this! Mis…Stephanie would never do this to me and yes we broke up and she lives in Dallas! Now leave me alone so I can take a bath and get cleaned up!" I yelled back as I got defensive and hurt that she would not give me the comfort I needed from her.

Lilly did not move and blacked my path to the bathtub. "No…you are going to tell me what is going on or I swear I am calling your dad and let him know what happened and then we are calling the police because whoever did this to you is…is…is just fucking sick!"

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare call daddy!" I yell back. "You want to know…fine I will tell you, Lillian! I like it…I fucking get off on it! I enjoy the pain and what happened to me tonight made me come, Lillian! They pain makes me have the best orgasm of my life! I begged for it, Lilly! I begged for her to keep going and not to stop!" I shout at her as my emotions spill from me and I am still crying and she starts again at my words. "That is what I like! I love the pain! I love getting whipped and…and…ARGH! Are you fucking happy now? Are you happy that you know….that you know I am a freak…a whore…a sick pervert…that I…I make you sick and you are disgusted by me!" I sit back on the toilet and bend my head and place my hands over my face as I start sobbing.

I look up when I hear the water in my tub running and see Lilly adding my bubble bath. She checks the water and then looks over her should and gives me a weak smile. "Get undressed, Miley, we have to get you cleaned up and put something on…on those cuts." She said. I wipe my eyes and nod and did as she says. She does not say anything about the welts and bruises on my butt and the back of my thighs but I see the look on her face and I knew she was heartbroken and disgusted by me. I climb in the tub and wince and whimper as the stinging pain of the water hits my cuts. Lilly kneels on the outside of the tub, gives me comforting words, and washes my body with a soft clothe.

When done she puts medication on my welts and cuts and they really were not as bad as I feared. They would heal with no scars except one. It was not a bad ugly scare when it healed. Just a small thin line that started at my bottom left shoulder blade and ran down to the center of my back. After she was done she led me to my room, helped me dress in a loose tee shirt and put me to bed after she gave me some extra strength over the counter pain pills. She then stripped down to her panties, put on one of my overlarge tee shirts, and crawled in bed with me. She leaned over and kissed my forehead and I smiled at her.

"Tomorrow we talk, Miley. You tell me everything." She said. I just nodded and rolled to my side and started crying again.

I started crying for several reasons. The first was the pain of course…I still hurt. The next was fear and I felt as the events of that night ran through my mind. I could have been killed…I honestly thought that Mistress Malice was going to kill me when she held the razor blade of the box cutter to my face and throat and that frightened me and I saw how stupid I was. Also fear that my need to be dominated…for the pain…drive me to the point I was meeting random strangers on the internet to "play" with them. That had to stop…that needed to be controlled…but how? The other reason I was crying was of course the girl next to me in my bed. I felt ashamed for what did…no that she found out what I did…and deep hurt that I could not hug and cuddle with her as I always loved when I slept with her. I could not push my body close to hers and wrap my arms around her and hold her as I drifted to sleep with the smell of her jasmine scent invading my dreams. I did not deserve to hold her anymore…how could I? I was a disgusting freak in her eyes…a whore who got off on pain is what she saw in me now. No I did not deserve her love anymore or her comfort or protection. I started crying harder at that last thought.

I stiffened a little as I felt an arm slowly and gently wrap around my shoulder as it was doing its best not to hurt me or put pressure on the "broken" part of my body. I then felt her press up against me just as gently and she started stroking my hair. "Shhh…I have you now, Miley…shhh…no one is going to hurt you, baby" She continued to whisper soothing words in my ear as I even started crying harder at her love and finally drifted to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and groaned in pain as I tried to move. God my back hurt...felt like burning pain. I glance at the empty spot next to me and frown because Lilly was gone. I suddenly smile when I my bathroom door opens and I see Lilly standing in the doorway. She didn't leave me! She stayed! That made me smile. Lilly gave me a small smile and walked to the bed holding cotton balls, a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, and a tube of Neosporin. I knew what she was going to do and I did not want it even if it was needed.

I pull the covers up to my chin and Lilly giggles a little. I was glad to see her giggle, "Come on, Miles, we need to do this." She said as she sat on the bed next to me.

I shake my head, "No…gonna hurt." I pouted and clutched the sheets at my chin tighter.

"Miley, I have to…so come on and take your shirt off and roll over." Lilly said more sternly and I obeyed.

Lilly did not say another word but I heard the sharp intake of her breathe as she saw my back, butt, and the back of my upper thighs as she first used the peroxide, which stung, and then the Neosporin on the welts. When done I put my panties and tee shirt back on and slowly got out of bed as the urge to pee hit me.

"Miles, umm…are you sure you don't need a doctor?" Lilly asked.

I give her a causal look trying to play off what I knew was coming and wanting to avoid it, "Naw…I'm good…I've had worse so no big deal." I cringe knowing I said the wrong thing. While I have really had not had worse I had close to this before and really it was not big deal to me. Yes it hurt…it always hurt afterwards but I was going to be fine.

"What do you mean you've had worse? Miley, this is not the first time is it?" Lilly asked in a cold voice.

"No!" I shout and hurry into the bathroom. I took my time not wanting to have this talk so I sat on the toilet trying to run through the conversation I was going to have in my head and any scenario I could come up with was not going to be good. I finally got up and knew I had to face Lilly.

She was sitting on the bed looking at her feet and when I walked out of the bathroom she looked up at me. She was already dressed and I knew she was going to leave after our talk. I said I silent pray as my eyes got watery. I prayed this would not be the last time I ever saw Lilly again. I did not know what I would do without her. I lost Mistress and that crushed me…I was lost and helpless for a while. Oh I still love Mistress but I was getting over my lost feeling. Losing Lilly would be different...not only would I be lost but I would die inside. I knew it. I knew if I lost Lilly I would just die inside and I would be a zombie for the rest of my life with no heart or soul.

"So…umm…hungry? We can go get breakfast?" I muttered as I wipe my eyes.

Lilly shook her head, "No…I…Miley, you need to tell me what's going on. I'm scared, baby, I'm scared for you."

I walk over to my closet and take a deep breath and then turn my head to look at her. "I…I am not going to get out of telling you am I?" Lilly shook her head. I then unlock my Hannah closet and I felt anger. I was angry not with Lilly but with myself. I was angry that I felt so ashamed of who I was. I hated feeling ashamed of myself…well my true self. The problem with my anger is that it needed some focus and that focus was going to be Lilly. I open my closet and go sit in the chair at my vanity.

"I told you last night I got off on it, Lilly, but I guess you did not believe me! Well go look! Go into my closet and look and then you will see who I am and what I like!" I yell at her.

Lilly gives me a look of shock at my anger and walks to my closet. I wait and it must have been over five minutes before she walked out and when she did her tan face was white. She gives me a look of disbelief and sits back on the bed.

"You…you…what is that stuff? You…you wear those clothes and…and use those things?"

I nod as fear gripped me…God don't let me lose her…please not her of all people I say in my head, "Yes and no. I…I have worn most of the clothes and used most of the toys in there but…but not all of them and…it…it is who I am, Lilly, who I want to be." I tell her.

Lilly shakes her head, "No…I…I don't believe it! How, Miley…why?"

Then I tell her. I tell her of Mistress and some of the things I did fro her like the cooking and then cleaning and how I served her and how I loved it! How I wanted to be that way and the fulfillment I got from being Mistress's pet…her slave and toy. I did not tell Lilly all of it of course. I left out the play parties and did not give her the details of our sex life of course but I did tell her I got pleasure from the pain. I told her that after Mistress moved I needed to feel the pain and that was how I ended up where I did last night. By the time I was finished I was crying and I saw Lilly also had tears in her eyes.

"So…so you really wanted that…last night…all of it?" She asked.

I nodded again, "Yeah…most of it…least night was…well…it was not the normal, Lilly. You have to see that. When Mist…Stephanie and I did things…well…she cared for me, Lilly…she really did and I did not do anything I did not want to." I tried to get her to understand but I knew she never would.

"Miley, I…I can't believe that…I…just can't. You got hurt last night and now you tell me that you did this before and from what I hear you did it often…why…I don't understand why?"

"Lilly, please…please don't hate me!" I begged her. "I…I love you and can't stand if you hate me! I…I can't explain why. All I can tell you is that how I was with Stephanie made me happy, Lilly. It made me so happy and I felt so alive and…and yes that is the type of relationship I want."

Lilly got up and walked to me and wiped the tears from my cheeks with her fingers and looked down at me. "I love you, Miley. You know that but I can't…no I don't want to hear this again. I…I never want to talk about it…never! I never want to hear about your "dates" and this…this stuff again. I…I just can't." I bit my lower lip and nodded." "I…you…damn…you…you wan this? I mean really want this?" She asked.

I nod again, "Yeah…I mean in a relationship…yes, but I think I am done with just…well…umm…you know meeting people on the internet." I give her a shy grin at my attempt of humor. She just nodded.

"So umm…get dressed and let's get something I eat. I'm hungry." Lilly smiled and I hugged her again and that was it.

O I know she hated this part of me and would never accept it and she ignored it but I was ok with that. I was not perfectly fine and happy about it but I was ok with it because I did not lose her and she still loved me. She chose to ignore it and that was a first for Lilly Truscott! She was one to always face her demons and her problems head on regardless if they hurt her physically or emotionally but no this one. This one she ignored and I knew why. She ignored it because she had always looked after me and protected me from emotional and physical pain but this was one thing she thought she could not "protect" me from since I did not want her protection so she ignored it and I knew it hurt her.

I was a little sad she did…I mean not that I wanted to lose her…God never that! But that I did wish she would have accepted it and me for who I was. Not understand it…I know she could never truly understand it…but except it, but I let it go. I mean yeah I wished I had a friend I could talk to about my feelings and emotions when it came to a relationship like all girls have. Not the details of course…even in dating in a "normal" relationship I would never give the details. I was just like that, but someone to share my feelings with and that kind of hurt me that Lilly would not allow that. So what let her? Why except her ban on discussion of my personal relationship life? That was easy for me. Because of all she gave me ever since I have known her.

She has always protected me since the first day I met her. I never could protect myself from certain things like bullies at school etc and she was always there for me. She really sacrificed so much to be my friend. She was the most beautiful girl in our high school...seriously she was and that was not just from me...and she could have been the most popular girl there. She could have been homecoming queen, prom queen, the queen B of our school but she gave it all up or did not want it to be my best friend. She could have told me freshman year that we were not friends anymore and went on to her popularity but she did not because I meant that much to her. She got in actual physical fights protecting me at times. and her view on my lifestyle choice is that even through I want the pain...get off on it...she sees it as me getting hurt and as something she can't protect me from and she opted to ignore it and I let her...for me that was a small sacrifice to give for her after all she had done for me. I have never done anything for her but be a spoiled brat growing up and she still loved me so unconditionally until this one thing so why not give it to her? I felt it a small sacrifice to give to someone who did and gave me so much.

So it was ignored and never discussed. I did think of that terrible night over the next three days, oh not nightmares about it…after some of the things I did willingly I did not have nightmares and besides her scaring me with the box cutter it really was not as bad as other things I did willingly…yeah maybe a little to intense and she could have stopped her "torture" of me with her whips and floggers but I never asked her to. I never cried out my safeword. Why? Because I never knew when to stop and would have let her continue with her "abuse" of me. That is why I need a good mistress to control it and me in a situation like that…to know when I had enough. Mistress Malice didn't…she did not want to stop because she was a true sadist not a good Mistress. One thing did cross my mind those few days were the pictures? Not why she took them…that I thought I knew why. She took them for a trophy of me and what she did to me. But what was she going to do with that trophy was my main concern. Three days later I found out.

I was in bed sitting up and resting a little. I was still sore and all but feeling better so I was just reading a book when my phone rang I it was Lilly's ring tone. I smiled and placed my book next to me and answered it.

"Miley, when was the last time you were one Facebook?" She asked me before I even said hello.

I thought for a moment and knew the answer. The night I met Mistress Malice. I added her as a friend. "Umm…several days ago, Why?"

"Well go sign on and look at it." Lilly said in a harsh tone.

I did as she asked on my lap top and there it was…I knew what she did with the photos. She had added comments to my Facebook page of what she did to me and how much I liked it. She went into detail of what I did to her and what she did to me, excluding the box cutter, and then linked a site that to my horror showed my pictures…as well as photos of other girls that I assumed she "played with". Most of the other girls seemed to be enjoying it and posing for her voluntarily. Oh God…how stupid was I.

"Lilly, I…I…Oh God…I am so sorry." Was all I could say to her.

"Just…just shut it down, Miley. Close your account now! If you dad or Jackson sees it you are fucked!" Lilly said and I agreed.

I close my account and I was kind of lucky in a way. Besides my dad, who never goes on the computer much, and Jackson the only friend I had on there was Lilly…and that bitch of course. My account shut down may have solved some of the problem but not all of it….the photos.

"Lils, umm…what…what about the pics of me on her webpage" I asked.

"I…I don't think there is anything we can do, Miles. I talked to Gabe's dad about it…he's a lawyer…and no of course I did not give him names. I just told him I knew a girl at school this happened to…well he told me since you are over eighteen and umm…well…since you met her voluntarily and all…well…nothing you can do."

I sighed. "Lilly, I…I am so sorry…I…I am so sorry." Was all I could say again. I never told her about the photos…I left that part out and once again I disappointed the one person I never wanted to.

"Stop, Miles, it's done…nothing we can do. Her website looks kind of private so maybe not to many people will see…umm…just be glad she did not photo shop a blonde wig on you…then we would be in trouble." She chuckled but I knew it was a humorless chuckle. God bless her…she was trying. Damn I love her!

I also gave a humorless chuckle, "Umm…yeah that would have been interesting huh?"

"Yeah…well…umm…see you later tonight…k?"

I smile glad she was not canceling our movie night. "K." And she hung up.

That was it…Lilly found out about me and I knew I disgusted her but she never mentioned it again…until a terrible day. But she was…I saw it in her eyes on occasion. And I have photos of me floating in cyberspace. I was stupid…I know that! Hopefully my urges and craving will not make me that stupid again.


	17. Chapter 17

My summer break from school ended and I was on my way back to college. The rest of the summer went better than I expected and like I expected as well...it that makes sense. Lilly and I never talked about what I wanted in a relationship again. My dating life became "off limits" for our "girl" talks and yeah it hurt me at times but I knew having her was more important so I let I go. There were times when the hated Gabe would tease me and tell me he knew a guy or girl (yes he knew my sexual preference…I mean I did not really hide it but did not flaunt it either) who wanted to date me but Lilly would always step in and tell him no I was not interested or that person would not be my type. Hell if left to her I would become a nun I think…but in a way I understood why she did it. She did not want me to get hurt in anyway and she knew that my type of sex hurt and it was something she could not protect me from.

Does that mean I was going to give up who I was or the type of relationship I wanted? Of course not! I was who I was and that was not going to change. And honestly Lilly never gave me the choice of either her or the type of relationship I wanted. It was just not discussed. I did try to date in the "normal" relationship or the "vanilla" type of relationship once I was back at college but it did not last long.

She was sweet and cute and her name was Allison. I never saw her before the day she asked me out…I mean to say is that I had no classes with her or never saw her on campus. I met her in the college library where she was working and she helped me with some things I was looking for and we started making those small innuendos and then I found myself going back to see her with the excuse I was there for school and our innuendos turned to stronger flirtations and finally after she got my hints she asked me out. I could never have asked her out…that was not my place to do so but I knew how to drop the hints. Our "relationship" did not last long.

I found it difficult to date her. To even carry on a normal conversation with her was hard for me at first. I was not used to it and being asked things or what I wanted to do drove me crazy. She would ask me things like "Where would you like to go to eat?" or What movie would you like to see?" things like that and I wanted to scream at her and tell her "Don't ask me just tell me!" or better yet "Don't even tell me or ask me just make me do it!" but of course I didn't as much as I screamed it in my head I knew it was not my place to tell her these things. And then there was the touching…the sweet hand holding and hugs and small kisses. I did not understand that…they confused me.

On our first date she kissed me good night and I of course accepted her kiss with pleasure but kept my hands at my side. She did not tell me I could hug her and she giggled and told me I was cute. Of course I did not tell her why I did not hug her…she just thought I was shy and it was cute to her. And then there was the hand holding and hugs. She would just take my hand and hold it as we walked and did things and that confused me. Her small gestures of affection I did not understand…I mean I did nothing to earn the right to touch her so why did she allow it? I learned to accept it and when she did I found myself doing small things for her to earn that show of affection like clean her dorm room and other little things. She was sweet and nice and respectful but I did not want sweet and nice and respectful…I wanted domination and her to make me do whatever pleased her! My own needs and feelings were not important….they did not matter and were of no concern! But I liked her and I tried to solve the problem the only way I knew how…sex.

We had been dating for about two weeks and while we kissed and made out and fondled one another we had yet to have sex. I wanted it and she wanted it but again…she was being nice and respectful of me and I think she was waiting for me to make the first move to progress our relationship and that was not me…that was something I could not do. I wanted her to tell me it was time. I wanted her to tell me "Miley, take your clothes off and come please me!" in a commanding tone but she did not. So I decided it was up to me to make the move but do it in a way where she would be the dominating one. Yes I had my tricks…all good subs do…and I teased her and flirted with her and hinted until she finally told me to "make love to her". Make love to her? What was that? My mind actually took a moment to comprehend the term…oh I knew it meant sex of course…God I am not stupid…but I did not "make love". I have never just made love have I? Johnny was not making love and neither was Heather as much as I wanted her to be. No I fucked and got fucked...simple! It had nothing to do with stupid notions of love. You told me to please you sexually then I pleased you sexually…that was simple…that was easy for me. Making love? That was not something I did or understood. But I knew what she wanted and I was glad she wanted it so we did.

It was not that great…well worse than not great…it sucked. It was not her at all…she was a wonderful lover I am sure but it was me. She "did me" first that first time and while I did enjoy and it felt good when she had her head between my legs and her mouth teased and taunted my most private area I felt the pleasure of it but it did not bring me to orgasm and after a while I told her it did…yes I faked it and I faked it well enough she thought she pleased me. So then I pleased her and that brought me enjoyment…pleasing her and when I made her come I got the thrill I wanted…no not the orgasm, but the thrill and rush of pleasing someone. And she was pleased…she was satisfied of that I had no doubt. Her screams and moans of pleasure and ecstasy as she came alerted me to that. I knew how to please non-sexually and sexually.

I had been "conditioned" for three years to please sexually. Mistress made sure I knew what I was doing with both "hands on" training and the knowledge from books. She had me read the Kama Sutra and while it was geared to how a woman should please a man or how a man should please a woman it had its uses in a same sex relationship. It gave techniques on how to please a woman orally, it gave techniques on how to caress a woman and how to kiss and lick and use you tongue on parts of a woman's body, it gave techniques on how to give massages, and other wonderful things. I was made to study it…to know it and then use it and I admit I used it well. Other books Mistress made me read and study I did so I could please Mistress very well. So yes I did not need Allison's words of "Wow…that was like the best ever" to know I pleased her. I did thing to her she never had done before and she loved them.

We had nights of sex four other times before our relationship ended and all four nights she would start with me, I would fake my orgasm, and then I would spend the rest of the night pleasing her over and over. I enjoyed that part of it…pleasing her, but the last time I wanted more…while I got enjoyment out of making her satisfied I also needed to come. I needed my orgasm as well and masturbation gave me no satisfaction anymore. Oh I tried it and it felt good but I could not bring myself over the edge. I tried everything…I tried to hurt myself while I masturbated but your mind will only allow yourself to inflict a certain amount of self pain and it was not enough. I needed the domination before I could have my orgasm…not the pain but that would have been wonderful…but some form of being dominated to get me off. That was where Allison and I ended.

I was using my mouth and tongue and fingers to please her as I had my head between her legs and Allison grabbed my head and pushed it further into her.

"Ohhh….Goood…Miley…more…do…do that thing with your tongue…you know where." Allison screamed in a commanding tone.

Yes I knew what she wanted…I was the first to give her that and show her that pleasure. Her voice of command sent a rush through my body and I wanted more of it. I wanted her to dominant me and even…to hurt me. I smiled as my finger made teasing circular motions over her swollen clit and she lifted her legs higher to raise her butt off the bed and give me better access to what she wanted. I used my tongue and teased and licked around her tight hole as she told me to stop teasing and do it! She told me…she did not beg me but told me! Oh I was enjoying that and it made me want more of it. I inserted my tongue into her ass and she writhed and cried out in pleasure as my fingers worked her clit. She grabbed my head and pushed my further to her and that mild domination…what I have been so long denied…thrilled me. I so wanted more and pain…any amount of pain to satisfy me.

I stopped my tongue pleasure and looked up and her and gave her a wicked smile and then lowered my mouth again and sank my teeth into her inner thigh. It was not a gesture of passion or teasing or erotic play…no I wanted to make her mad…to get her angry at me so she would hurt me.

"Damn, Miley…stop that fucking hurt!" She yelled and pulled my head up by my hair. Oh God it felt wonderful! She did not pull it hard but it was there. Her small anger in her voice and the small amount of that glorious pain of my hair being pulled made me want more…I craved more. I fought her and lowered my mouth again and bit her harder this time…hard to where I left a mark. Allison gave a small scream in pain.

"God damn it, Miley! I told you to fucking stop!" She screamed at me getting angrier and pulled my hair harder…so hard I got tears in my eyes…and it was wonderful! She pulled my head up and looked down at me and I saw her blue eyes flash in anger and I was excited…more aroused than I had ever been with her.

"More…please…more." I begged her and tried to lower my head again to make her even angrier so she would hurt me more. I fought her trying to pull me up and she pulled harder on my hair and I was craving more of the pain. My mouth got close again and she pulled me up even harder and I whimpered in the pain and pleasure it gave me.

"Fucking stop, Miley!" Allison yelled at me. God I wanted her to slap me so bad.

"Please…please harder…hurt me…please hurt me!" I pleaded with her with desire in my eyes. Allison looked at me with shock and pushed me away as she got off the bed.

"Nooo…please…please don't stop! Please hurt me…I'll…I'll do anything…just please hurt me more!" I begged her as I lie on the bed watching her find her clothes and get dressed. I was crying now…not because she was leaving but because she was refusing to give me the pain I so desired.

"God…you are a fucking freak!" She yelled as she put her shirt on. She saw the desire and need in my eyes for the pain and it 'freaked her out'. "I…we…we are done." She told me and left my room and I saw she had tears in her eyes.

I yelled for her to come back but not in heartbreak but in desire to be dominated. We were over and yeah it hurt a little for me because I did like her but what hurt me more was the knowledge I hurt her because she liked me very much. I lay in my bed and cried a little not knowing if I cried over losing her or because she refused to give me what I desired. After a moment of tears I was fine…yes I was sad I hurt her but I knew she could not give me what I wanted so it was best we stopped dating.

Allison never told anyone what I did to my knowledge and for that I was thankful. Like I mentioned she was a nice girl…she was sweet and kind. Not they type I wanted. She called me a few days later and I refused to take her call. I never knew what she wanted…was it to try and work things out? Was it to tell me I was a freak again? No not that…she was too nice for that. Was it to tell me she still wanted to be my friend? I never knew because I never called her back or saw her again to talk to her. Yes saw her in the library at times or once or twice across campus as I walked to my classes but I never spoke to her again and she never approached me. I knew I hurt her and that made me sad but she was not what I wanted…not what I needed in my life.

That was my last "vanilla" relationship and it opened my eyes to the fact I could never have one nor did I want one. I wanted a relationship with pain and domination. But also more…I wanted to serve and please my partner beyond the norm. I wanted to clean for her and cook for her and when I misbehaved I wanted punishment from her as well…something I deserved even if I did not like it. So I resigned myself to not "date" and of course I learned my lesson from playing with random online people…for now. I hoped the need to be dominated and used and abused would not come on strong again to where I could not control it.

I resigned myself to the self exile of my dorm room and focused on my school work. Yes I went out on occasion with girl's who offered me their friendship…like to eat or movies and all, but I was still confused on how to act with them. What did they want from me? Was it friendship or sex? I would get confused so when I went out with them I was shy and introverted and they would just tease me in a friendly manner over my shyness. But in all I had very few "friends" I went out with. Lilly was my only true friend and I was excited to see her again over the upcoming Christmas break. I did not get to see her over the Thanksgiving break because she did not come home due to one of her many sports obligations and I missed her terribly. I love Christmas…always had and the only two I hated was the first without my mommy and the one to come.

The break came and was great the first few days. I spent all my time with Lilly…and some family time thrown in. Jackson came home for the holiday and I had to admit it was good to see him. I missed him and soon we fell into our routine of brother and sister fighting…I missed that as well. The HE came home! The hated Gabe! And of course he took Lilly away from me and how I hated him for it! I despised him! So four days before Christmas I was in my room alone at night reading the book my grandmother sent me for a present. It was a first edition copy of Gone With the Wind and I loved it. I had read the book many times before but once again I was drawn to it. My cell rang and by the ring tone it was Lilly and of course I gave that goofy smile I always have when she calls and it put me back in a good mood.

"Yes, Lillian…may I hope that this phone call means you finally came to your senses and dumped Gabe." I answer in a cheerful voice.

Lilly laughed at me, knowing my dislike for her boyfriend but not the reason. "No, silly, just wanted to know if I could spend the night."

I smiled at that, "Of course…you know you never need an invite. Just come on over." Then I thought of something, "Lilly, you haven't been drinking have you?" She was not a huge drinker but sometimes at parties she did get carried away and I would have to take care of her. I didn't mind…she was a funny drunk. That was until she got sick and I spent half the night holding her hair back for her. Ahhh…what true friends do for one another.

'No, silly…God a few times and you assume the worse…I...well…I missed you the last couple of days, ok?" She said in a sheepish tone.

I grin like a dork at that and actually wanted to cry. "Aww…so Little Lilly misses her Miley." I tease.

"Shut up! Can I come over or not?" Lilly said and I knew my teasing was getting to her by her tone.

"Umm…well let me think…lets see…will you let me cuddle with you?"

Lilly sighs, "Yes don't I always even though I hate it so much." She laughed at the last part.

"Shut up!" I laugh, "And get over here…I missed you too and need a snuggle bunny."

Lilly laughed and told me she would be right over. I went and told dad to make us some of his famous Loco Hot Coco and waited. About 20 minutes later she came over and we watched TV downstairs for a while and then went to bed. As Lilly was about to change in to the pajamas I gave her I look at her.

"Aren't you going to shower first?" I ask.

Lilly gives me a curious look. "Umm…no I will in the morning."

I shake my head, "No…you don't get into my bed unless you shower first."

She laughs, "Miles, stop being silly." And starts to change.

"Lilly, I'm serious." I tell her as I sit up in the bed.

"Umm…why." She asks me.

I bite my lower lip…a nervous habit, "Because…umm…you went out with Gabe and I am not going to lay next to you with his…his...ohhhh…just go shower!"

"Miley, stop being silly and tell me."

"You…umm…I am not going to lay next to you and cuddle with you after well…you…him…umm…with you smelling like him and having his stinking sweat all over you!" I blurted out.

"Oh my God, Miley! You have got to be kidding me, right?"

I shake my head, "No…I am serious! I…I don't want anything of that…that…person near me!"

Lilly looks at me for a moment and then sits on the edge of my bed, "Miley, I know you don't like him…you made that very clear for the past 4 years. Why?" Lilly asked as I rolled over on the bed as not to look at her.

"Cause I hate him…he…he is just not good for you." I mutter knowing I lied. Gabe was perfect for her and that was why I hated him.

Lilly laughs, "Miley, come on…he is nice and sweet but not too nice as to where I lose interest and…hell he adores you even if he knows you don't like him."

"I don't want him to adore me! I want him to hate me like I hate him!" I say a little too harshly.

"But why, Miles, I don't understand. Tell me why, baby." Lilly tells me as she starts running her hand through my hair. God I loved when she did that.

"Cause you love him and he loves you." I muttered sounding like an idiot I know and Lilly just confirmed it.

She laughed, "Oh, Miley, you are so silly sometimes. You know…most girls would love it if their best friend met someone like Gabe." She pauses and stops stroking my hair and after a moment she surprised me by asking the next question. "Umm…Miley…umm…well…you…you don't think you are in love with me do you? Is…is that why you hate him?"

I turn over and smile at her, "No…I mean…I love you…you know that but I love you more than that…deeper somehow…but…I'm scared, Lilly. I'm so scared that you love him."

I could see the relief in Lilly's face and she brushed my hair from my face, "Why, sweetie, why are you scared?"

"Because he is going to take you away from me." I managed to finally tell her why I hated Gabe all these years.

Lilly chuckled, "Oh, Miles, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Yeah we talked about stuff like getting married and all but not until after college and even if we did there is no one who would take me away from you. I promise you that. You mean too much to me to allow anyone to take you from me."

I smiled that but I was still insecure…as much as I loved her I was still insecure of that. It was easy for me to be so. Lilly was…well…Lilly and perfect and I was just me. "Then…then if you mean it then…then break up with him. Prove you love me by breaking up with him. Prove I am your best friend, Lilly. It is…well…you have to choose…me or him."

Lilly withdrew her hand from my hair and I saw that look in her face…she was angry and I regretted my words. She got of the bed and started pacing the floor…something she does when she was mad. I watched her for a moment as I bit my lower lip. I gave her an ultimatum and that was wrong…I knew it was but now I wanted to see what she would do. She soon stopped pacing and glared at me.

"Choose? You are asking me to choose? Well fuck you Miley! How could you? How could you even say such a thing? I…I knew you never liked him and I kind of suspected it was something like this…you and your fucking insecurities!" She yelled. She was mad and I knew I over stepped the line and I started crying as she yelled at me. "God…sometimes they can be too much…you know that? I don't care if you like him…I never did because he never gave you a reason not to like him…I…I mean if he was mean to you or anything then yeah I would have dumped his ass but all he has ever been is nice to you! Hell he was a lot nicer to you than he had to be after the way you treated him all these years and to ask me to choose! Well fuck you! And the worse part is that you tell me I don't love you if I choose him! God of all the things I have done for you and everything we have been through…the good and the bad…you…you tell me that I am not a good friend because I date Gabe! God, Miley…how could you even think that? That hurts, Miley, I mean that really breaks my heart to hear you say that!" Lilly starts pacing again. I never saw her that mad and now it was directed at me. Once again my defenses come up.

"Oh and he is such a good boyfriend that when you were at soccer camp one year in high school he…he kissed me at a party! Did you know that, Lillian? Did you know your perfect Gabe kissed me?"

Lilly stopped again and glared at me, "So you want to go there huh? Yeah he told me; Miley…he told me everything about that night. How you took him away from the others and kissed him and told him you thought the two of you were on a date…yeah I knew, Miley, but I never said a word! I never confronted you about it because I knew something must have been bothering you and you would tell me in time and I trusted Gabe! So don't even bring that up, Miley Stewart!"

I sit up on my bed, "He lied! He…he…he tried to go further and…and I stopped him! He lied to you…he…he would have raped me!" I yell in my lie and confusion. I was scared…scared I went too far and I was going to lose her.

She again glared at me for moment and I saw she had tears in her eyes. "How…how could you say that about him? How could you even dare say that he would do anything like that, Miley? After how kind he is to you and all you gave him was spite and cruel words. Why…why would you say that?" Lilly asked in a soft voice.

"Because it's true! He did…he tried to…to do things to me and I ran!" Oh God how far was I going with my lie! My mind was screaming stop but my heart was breaking and I wanted to so anything to keep Lilly…I would say anything to keep her!

"Yeah…well at least he does not beat the shit out of me and call it love like the people you date do! At least he is not a sick freak like that!" Lilly yelled as she walked to the door. She said it! She finally told me how she truly saw me! I knew it…I always knew it since the night she found out but to hear her tell me crushed me!

"I can't do it, Miley, I am sorry but I can't do this anymore." Lilly said as she walked from my room.

"Liiily! Please…please come back! I…I am sorry…please!" I screamed after her but she did not come back. My legs seemed to finally work and I ran after her but it was too late she was gone. I walk slowly back to my room ignoring my dad's concern and try to call Lilly's cell phone. After five times of it going to voice mail I just curled up and cried until I finally feel asleep. I lost her! My biggest fear in life came true…I lost Lilly Truscott.

I woke up the next morning determined to get her back. I called her again and again it went to voice mail. I called her off and on all day and she never answered. Around three that afternoon I finally went to her house to talk to her…to beg her to forgive me and my words. Her mother Heather answered the door and smiled at me and told me Lilly was in her room and to go on up. I liked Lilly's mom….no I loved Lilly's mom. She was sweet and pretty and I even had fantasies that she was my mother as well at times. I think she liked that…she was always so kind to me. I made my way to Lilly's room and took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Mom, I told you I don't want to talk to anyone today." I heard Lilly say and by the sound of her voice she had been crying. That was a good sign to me…to me that meant she was upset like I was.

"Umm…Lils, it's me…can I come in?" I said hesitantly afraid she would say no.

"Yeah…I guess." She replied and I walked in her room. She was sitting on her bed and stared at me when I walked in the room.

"Lilly, I…I'm sorry…I am so sorry. I did not mean to say those things last night. I…you are right…I was so wrong and Gabe didn't do anything. I…I kissed him to try and break the two of you up." I said as I stood in the middle of her room. I was afraid to approach her. For the first time in my life I was afraid of her…not of her physically hurting me. She would never do that but of her rejection of me.

"Yeah you were, Miley! You were so wrong and that awful thing you said he did…I…how could you?" She said sternly.

I shrug my shoulders. "I…I don't know…please…please forgive me." I beg her.

Lilly shook her head, "I…I can't do it anymore, Miley…not the way you feel about Gabe. In some strange way I understand that. But…the other thing…your life…I can't ignore it anymore and…and it hurts me that you do those things and…and I can't help you."

My heart seems to stop beating and my throat grew tight. "What…what are you saying, Lilly…please…please don't do this!"

She looked away at me and focused on her feet. "I…I don't know, Miley. It may be wrong of me but…I…I just need time to figure things out. I…I can't do it…I am sorry, Miley. I really am."

So it happened! Lilly can't love me anymore for who I am. She thought I was sick and disgusting and there was nothing I could do to get her love back…or was there. In my conditioned mind I did the only thing I knew how to do when someone I loved was mad at me…when they rejected me. I made the worse mistake in my life at that moment. I dropped to my knees and crawled to her and wrapped my arms around her legs.

"Nooo…please…please love me again, Lilly. I beg you…please!" I pleaded and started kissing her feet. "Punish me…please just punish me…beat me…anything to make you love me again…please punish me for what I did!" As I begged her to punish me to make her love me I knew it was wrong. I knew I made a mistake but it was all I had left. My submissive nature took over and I could not control myself.

Lilly jerked her feet away and looked down and me and she was crying, "Oh God, Miley, what…what has happened to you? What…why…why are you like this?" She asked me as tears ran down her face but I just stared up at her actually expecting her to punish me do I could have forgiveness.

She got off the bed and walked away from me but I crawled…yes crawled after her. She looked at me with a mixture of shock, sadness, pity, and disgust as I followed her on my hands and knees pleading with my eyes for her to punish me and make thing alright between us. To make her love me again.

"Miley," she said in a heart wrenching wail of pain, "Please…Oh God…please…just…just leave…please…I…I can't do this anymore…please just go home and don't call me anymore…I…I need time." Was all she said to me.

I got up sobbing at her order and knew my begging and pleading were useless. I drove home in tears and went back to my prison of my room and cried some more. Lilly no longer loved me…she no longer cared for me. My goddess…the girl I worshipped…turned her back on me and I was devastated…I was crushed. I cried for hours and then my eyes focused on a black and white binded notebook I used for college…a compensation note book that was clean of any ink. I picked it up and grabbed a pen and started to write…I started to write my journal…I stated to put my life on that blank page so she would understand…so Lilly would know how I felt about her and what led me to my life and how I came who I was. But I also did it for me…mostly for me. I would write how those two worlds I tried so hard to keep apart collided and I would write about the carnage that collision left behind.

_I don't know if anyone will actually read this journal and I am really writing it for myself…I don't know if I really want anyone to read this journal. I am writing it for myself to try and understand who I am. I know who I became and thought and wanted that person to be who I am right now, but I recently started having my doubts but I don't know if I can change who I have become or if I really want to. Why do I have my doubts? Because two of my worlds finally combined, two that I tried to keep apart, two that I never wanted to meet, but now they have and when they met they crashed together like the perfect storm. A storm filled with love, anger, hate, and the loss of someone I loved more than anything in this world…_


	18. Chapter 18

My name is Miley Stewart and I was a submissive, a pet, a slave, a toy, a cute accessory for my Mistress and that is the real me…the me I want to be and need to be in my life. Hannah was a sham as was Miley Stewart the clumsy unsocial girl. The real me is the lifestyle submissive who needs a Mistress to control her life and give her what she needs and craves. The domination, the structure, the orders, and the pain…oh the wonderful pain which is my addiction…my drug. I have been called a pain slut by some but I don't like that term…I prefer a pain nymphomaniac…as with a normal nympho who craves and even needs sex; I crave and need the pain. I could do without intercourse…without the penetration of my sex. Oh I enjoy it…don't think I don't…I enjoy it very much. But I don't need it. I get my greatest pleasure from three things. One is pleasing my Mistress in everyway and the other is my own sexual gratification from the pain and the wonderful feeling of that "subspace". That is what I need and I need it controlled. Like any true addict if left to my own devices I could overdose on my drug so I need someone to control it…to give it to me sparingly. The third pleasure I got in life was being Lilly Truscott's best friend. She was my only true friend, my protector, my own personal goddess I worshipped. But that all ended when my worlds collided.

I have chatted with other submissive people in real life or online or just those "curious" about the lifestyle and the curious ones or the "normal" people just don't understand me and who I am. At college I have no true friends…oh I have people I hang out with for dinner, the movies on occasion, or study with and some of them actually like me and have offered me their friendship but it is hard for me to interact with them until the rules have been set as to what I am for them. I like to explain it this way…put me I a room with three girls and tell me to please them in everyway and that my body belongs to them…their whims and desires…and I can do that 24/7 with no problem. But put me in a room with the same girls and tell me to make friends with them…then I am lost. I have no clue what to do until they set the role I am to play with them. If that role is friendship then I am fine. I will act as their friend but they have to set my place first. If not I will sit there and not say a word or join in any conversation unless a question is directed at me first. Is that right or wrong? Who am I to answer that question? I know it is who I am…who I want to be and who makes me happy even if love would never exist for me.

Oh not the love of family…I have that and love my family dearly. Not the love I have for Lilly…that I have for her even if she no longer has it for me. I mean romantic love…that silly idea. I loved Mistress that way…very much so…but she never loved me. She cared for me but she never loved me. I have realized sometime back that type of love will be forever denied me. People don't fall in love with a girl like me. They may care for me but it is not love. They see me as a play toy…a cute adorable doll to use and play with and put back on their shelf until they want to play with her again. I am fine with that…truly I am. I know who I am and I do not seek that love anymore. I don't even know if I ever wanted it. I am…was…happy with who I am…very happy.

Love? What is love and who decides who deserves it and who does not? Oh I believe in love. How could I not? I have seen true love in the eyes and actions of my mother and father. They loved one another so completely it was embarrassing to me to witness at times. I have seen love in how my adorable Lilly looks at the most hated Gabe and how he looks at her as much as it pained me to see it is there. I even see it in people in involved in the lifestyle I lead. Dominant and submissive who love one another and have a perfect balance between the dominance and the love, but for me that was not going to happen. I did not want that in my life. One day it might have happened, I may have seen someone at a distance or talk to someone and it may have hit me "God I love this person" but I would have fought and denied it until it overwhelmed me and I was forced to accept it. But not now…no I know it is too late for me to have that because of what I must do.

I loved Mistress…never think I did not. I loved her so completely and totally but she did not love me back. Oh yes she was very fond of me and showed me affection and caring but it was not love. Yes she would have me sit at her feet and pet and stroke me with the affection you show a favored pet while we watched movies or talked. That I had. But it was not love she had for me.

Affection? Yes I want that…I love affection and having Mistress "paw" me like her pet and I loved it! I loved the affection Allison gave me in out brief "romance" and how she allowed me to cuddle with her and while it confused me at times that she would allow me to give her kisses and hugs and cuddling without her permission I admit I adored that and it was nice and made me feel wanted, and while I wanted and enjoyed her affection I did not want her love…I wanted her domination but she never gave that to me, she was incapable of giving that to me so I hurt her and made her sad and I regret that…I never wanted to make her sad. But affection is not the same as love. Affection I want love I don't.

Well that is me and my brief summary of who I am. Hannah was a sham for me and so was the Miley Stewart, the clumsy unsocial high school girl. The real me is the pet. That is the person that makes me happy and the person I am proud to be. I am proud to be the perfectly trained submissive. That used to make me happy and proud...now I am not so sure after what I did with Lilly and seeing the look of disgust and pain on her face. I want two things in my life…Lilly Truscott to love me again and be my best friend again and for a Mistress I can love and respect to take care of me and give me what I need and in return I will please her in everyway she desires. But after two days ago I saw I could not have both and I cannot change. It is not either one or the other for me…it is all or nothing and I cannot have it all so I have to do what I must. I cannot live without both of those things in my life.

I was never ashamed of who I was…never think that! I was proud of who I was! I took great pride in being the well trained submissive who knew how to please her Mistress without question or complaint. I took pride in the fact that when I walked into those private play parties others saw how well trained and respectful I was and begged my Mistress to "play" with me. I was a "prize" for them to play with or allow their submissive to play with me as well…I had very few limits and I could handle the pain…and got off on the pain and during these "play sessions" I never used my safe word. I took pride in the fact when the night was done the other dominant would tell my Mistress how well behaved I was. How wonderful of a pet I was. How wonderfully I "played" and pleased. No…I was never ashamed of the real me until the day Lilly found out.

Of all the people in the world to find out about my second secret life Lilly was one I knew it would hurt the most. I knew she would not understand what I wanted…needed in a relationship. Seeing the disgust and even pity toward me in her eyes was more than I could ever live with. Her rejection of me and my love for her is something I cannot stand to have in my life. She is the most important thing in my life…the person I loved so much that I even put her needs in front of the needs of my Mistress and even though I was punished severely for it I never regretted it and would do it again even knowing what the consequences of my actions would be. Now that is gone…her love for me is no more due to her disgust of my lifestyle…that is the first pain and punishment I ever experienced that I cannot bear.

What I must do? I struggled on this for two days! It is not a spur of the moment choice but it is a choice I have to make. What other choice can mere mortals make when they anger the gods. I have always loved the Greek Myths and their stories and through them I have seen the outcome of when a mortal angers the gods. The Mighty Achilles, the greatest warrior the world as ever known who was almost immortal himself, angered the God Apollo when he slew Hector at the walls of Troy. He was slain by an arrow from the bow of Paris guided by the God Apollo himself. The cunning and wise Odysseus angered the God Poseidon and he went through ten years of hell to come home to his beloved wife Penelope. Cassandra, a princess of Troy and beautiful daughter of King Priam, angered the God Apollo by refusing his lusts and she was cursed with the gift of prophecy but no one would believe her and she was imprisoned for her gift and later taken as sex slave by the Greek King Agamemnon and the murdered far from her home. Even the Great Hercules, the son of the all powerful Zeus, angered Hera queen of the gods just for being born and he was cursed and slaughtered his own wife and children and had to suffer ten challenges for forgiveness. Yes when you anger the gods they demand sacrifice and that is what I must do. I angered my goddess Lilly and she turned her love and her back on me and now I know what I must do. I must give her the ultimate sacrifice to have her love me once more.

I don't know who will find this journal…I suspect my dad since I am sure he will be the first to find it. If not him and someone else…someone I don't know then I ask one thing from you. Respect me and my life. You now know a secret about me that very few know…well two. One is that Miley Stewart is Hannah Montana and the second is the other secret life I have led…the secret life that was the real me…the life that gave me joy and happiness and satisfaction. And one more thing before I go…tell Lilly Truscott I love her…I loved her from the first day she protected me. It was not a romantic love even if I tried to make it so…it was deeper so much deeper and a bond I could never have had with anyone else. Please also tell her to forgive me…for everything. Tell her how much I needed her in my life and without her life just was not worth living.

_Miley Stewart _

Lilly closed the journal and wiped the tears for her eyes after she read the last written words of her friend…a girl she loved and shared a bond with unlike any other person she met her in life. Lilly was Miley's best friend and she had protected Miley from a number of things as her best friend but the one thing she could not protect Miley from was Lilly…herself…and her abandonment of the girl she cared for so greatly. Lilly still remembered that terrible Christmas evening when Miley's father called her.

Lilly was sitting in front of her vanity as she applied the last of her makeup; Gabe would be there soon to take her to his parent's house for Christmas dinner. She was not really feeling up to going after her fight with Miley a few days ago. Miley had called her over and over everyday since their fight but she refused to answer the phone. She just could not talk to her right now…she needed time to process what Miley had become…who Miley had become. It hurt Lilly to know Miley allowed these things to happen to her and Lilly just needed time to understand it all. She felt guilty about the words she used and how she told Miley she just could not be friends with her anymore…that was not true. Lilly loved Miley just as much as she always did but she just needed…time…time to understand. The blonde girl sighed and started brushing her hair when her cell phone rang. Lilly picked it up expecting it to be Miley again but was surprised to see the number was that of Robby Ray.

"Hello." Lilly answered.

"Lilly…it…its Robby…Miley…she…she…oh God, Lilly!" Robby said with anguish in his voice.

Lilly got scared….very scared. "Mr. S. What…what happened to her?" She asked.

"She…she took some pills…a lot of them. The ambulance took her to the hospital. I…I am on my way there now." Robby said crying now.

Lilly did not let him finish. She hung the phone up, ran downstairs, told her mom Miley was in the hospital, and got into her car to drive to the hospital. On the way she called Gabe who told her he would meet her there. After a tearful Lilly finally made it past the desk nurse and found out where Miley was she ran up the stairs to the third floor not wanting to wait for the elevator. She opened the stair well door and walked into the waiting area and saw Miley's dad sitting down with his hands over his face crying and Jackson with tears in his eyes holding his dad. Lilly walked slowly to the man with fear gripping her tight.

"Mr. S…Robby…how…how is she?" Lilly asked when she stood in front of the man.

Robby looked up and then shook his head and gave an awful wail when he saw Lilly. He stood and hugged her tight. "She…she didn't make it…they…they said she died before she got to the hospital…they…they said they did all they could do." Robby started sobbing as he held the girl.

"Nooo! Nooo! I…I don't believe you!" Lilly screamed as she pushed the man from her and turned around and started running down the hospital corridor. "Miiiiley! Miley where are you?" She screamed as tears ran down her face. She only took four steps when she felt someone grab her and turn her around and hug her tight. Lilly fought and struggled to break free but could not and she looked up and saw it was Jackson.

"Let me go! She…she needs me!" Lilly screamed at him as he held her and started pounding her small fists on his chest but Jackson just held her tighter. "Let me go, Jackson! My Miley needs me! She…she needs me to help her…she…she needs me to protect her like always! Let me go! I…I need to go to her!" Lilly screamed and hit Jackson harder and struggled but he still did not let her go.

"Shhh…hush, Lilly…she…she is gone…shhh." Jackson whispered in her ear and Lilly looked up and saw the tears running down his face and new it was true. Her Miley was gone. She collapsed in his arms and sobbed.

"NOOO! I want my Miley…I want my Miley back!" Lilly screamed and fell to the floor as Jackson held her and slid to his knees to support the girl who loved his sister so much.

After crying and sobbing with Robby, Jackson and then Gabe and her mom for hours at the hospital, Lilly knew she had to do something that night. She asked Gabe to take her to Miley's house while her father and brother stayed at the hospital. Once at the house she had Gabe used a pair of bolt cutters to break open Miley's lock on her Hannah closet and started taking all of the girl's fetish clothes and sex toys and everything that had to do with Miley's secret life out of the room. Lilly had seen the room after that night Miley called to pick her up when she found out her friend's secret life. She knew she could not let Miley's dad see any of these things. That was when she found the journal. She placed everything in large trash bags but the journal and had Gabe drive her miles away and threw the things in a dumpster behind a closed shopping area. Gabe, who never knew Miley's secret life, never said a word about what he saw and never questioned Lilly about it. He knew if she wanted to talk she would and he would be there for her.

That next day Lilly was the first day Lilly read Miley's journal and she read it every Christmas day for the past eight years. She stopped sobbing as she read it three years ago but she knew she would never stop crying over it. Lilly looked up as she held the journal to her chest and saw her husband enter the small room that was turned into an office. She smiled up at him.

"Hey, baby, the kids are getting up and I can't stall them anymore…they want to see what Santa brought them." He said softly.

He knew and respected Lilly's Christmas ritual. Every year she got up earlier than anyone else to read Miley's last words. Gabe thought how better Lilly was getting with it. The first few years after Miley's death and when Lilly read the journal she would break down and sob and scream out how she "murdered" her best friend…how it was she that killed Miley. Gabe would just hold her as she cried and yelled. He loved his wife dearly…always had. He had even been very fond of Miley even if the girl never liked him.

"Ok…I'm coming." She placed the journal in the bottom desk drawer and locked it and looked back up at her husband. "I…love this day more than anything but I also hate it." She said as tears once again flowed down her cheeks as she stood up. "I…I want to stop, Gabe. I want to stop reading it…I want to burn it and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm afraid, Gabe. I'm so scared I'll forget her if I let it go." Lilly buried her head into her husband's chest.

Gabe walked to her and put his arms around his wife. "I know, baby, I know…but you need to stop blaming yourself, Lils. It is not your fault. And you won't forget her…how could_ you_ ever forget her, Lilly?"

"Yes it is…if I had tried to understand her…even just a little…it…it is my fault. I…I loved her so much, Gabe…so fucking much." Lilly said.

She knew she would feel the guilt of Miley for the rest of her life. She was happy…very happy and had a great husband and two lovely children. As boy of six and a girl of four…the girl they named Miley…but she would always feel the guilt of what she did to her best friend…no more than her best friend…it was so much deeper than that. Lilly never had another friend like Miley…she never allowed herself to have one or never wanted one like Miley. To her Miley was special…the girl who turned the loner Lilly into something more. The girl who turned the loner Lilly into someone's best friend and who gave her such unconditional love like no one else in her life ever had and Lilly knew she needed Miley just as much as Miley needed her…she just wished she had gotten the chance to tell her that.

Gabe knew better than to try and convince Lilly it was not her fault so he did not even try anymore. Instead he kissed his beautiful wife on the forehead and led her into the den to watch the children's faces on Christmas morning. He knew that would cheer his wife up and make her happy.

Lilly pulled Gabe tight to her and kissed him passionately on the lips and hugged him tight, "I love you, Gabe." She whispered not so much as to declare her love for her husband but more as to reassure him.

Lilly loved Gabe a great deal. How could she not? Even as a teenage boy the now man had always been there for her. He gave her a wonderful marriage and two beautiful children but that was not always the case. There was a time Lilly hated the man when they were younger. She despised him with her soul as she hated everyone.

It was three weeks after Miley's death and Lilly would not come from her room. She would stay in her room and clinch Miley's journal and refuse to come out as she cried and sobbed at the loss of her friend. She did not eat much as her mother would carry a food tray up to her room, knock on the door, and beg her daughter to come out and eat. Lilly would shout at her and tell her to leave her alone. She would then grab the tray after her mother left and nibble a little and go back to reading the journal again and cry and sob as she read her best friend's last words.

Heather was greatly concerned for Lilly. The college called and Lilly's soccer coach told her that he was doing the best he could under the circumstances but Lilly was on the verge of losing her scholarship if she did not return soon. But Heather's main concern was Lilly herself. She was witness to the love the two girls had for one another and she was worried…worried Lilly would follow Miley. She tried everything to get Lilly from her room. She tried begging and pleading through her tears, she tried by calling Lilly's dad, she tried bribery, and tried using the threat of Lilly losing her scholarship, and nothing worked. Lilly would tell her to just go away and leave her alone. Next she tried Gabe. Gabe came home from UCLA to talk to Lilly.

Lilly heard her door open as she lay on her bed clutching the journal to her chest and crying once again. She knew she cried for three weeks almost without pause but still to her it was not enough…it would never be enough. She looked over about to ask her mom how she got in her room and to tell her mom to leave her alone when she saw Gabe looking at her with pity in his eyes.

Gabe picked the lock to the room, a trick Lilly showed him long ago, and looked around his girlfriend's bedroom. The first thing he noticed was the smell. It smelled awful. It smelled of rotten food, stale musky smell, and he knew by the smell and the way Lilly looked she had not showered in days. Gabe walked and opened her window.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Lilly said harshly and that startled Gabe.

"Umm…you mom called me and told me that you have not been out of your room for weeks and stuff." Gabe replied as she sat on Lilly's bed and tried to hold her hand but she jerked it away.

"So…what I do is none of your fucking business!" Lilly yelled as she drew herself up on the bed and clutched the journal to her chest.

Gabe sighed, "Lils…baby…we are worried about you. I know you loved her…hell I did to. I was very fond of her…a great deal. But you have to move on. I am not saying forget her…never do that…but at least try and get you life back. She…she is gone, baby, and I know it hurts…it hurts me not to see her and I know it hurts you but please, Lilly. Please try."

Lilly glared at him, "Loved her? I still love her! I love her more than anything and anyone in my life! She hated you…did you know that! She fucking despised you and you have no right to talk about her!"

Gabe sighed again, "I know she did, Lilly, I never knew why but I knew she hated me." Gabe took a deep breath and knew this was going to be the hard part, "Lilly, she…she had problems, baby. I don't know what they were or if you knew but I saw her closet remember? She had some emotional issues and she needed help…"

Lilly jumped off the bed at his words and slapped him. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up! She did not have problems! Her personal life was none of your business! She…she was…is wonderful and…and it is your fault! It is because of you she did this! She hated you because she was afraid you were taking me away from her! That was why she hated you! She was so scared of that and we argued over you! We fought over your stupid ass and…and Argh! I hate you! I fucking hate you! You are not worth her…she is worth a million of you and I hate you! You fucking killed her! It should have been you that died…not her! I…I…I would kill you myself if it would bring her back! Get out…get out and never come back! I'll hate you till the day I die for killing her!" Lilly yelled at Gabe and him being the person her was and with his love for Lilly he told her he loved her and walked calmly from the room.

Lilly threw herself on the bed and sobbed again. She blamed everyone for Miley's death at first. She could not think of one person in the world she did not blame. She blamed people at school for the way they treated her, she blamed he own mom for not loving Miley enough, she blamed Miley's dad for not giving Miley a new mom, she blamed Jackson just because he was Miley's brother, she blamed Hannah Montana for not making Miley happy, but most of all she blamed herself and that ate at her and her guilt drove her mad. It was finally Robby, Miley's dad, which got Lilly out of her room and helped her seek professional help.

A week after Gabe's attempt Heather called Robby. She hated to because she knew the grief the man was going through but she felt she had not choice. Robby surprised Heather when he came right over without hesitation. Robby sat outside Lilly's all day and night and he talked…he talked about the funny and embarrassing situations Lilly and Miley got into. He talked about how much Miley loved Lilly and even confessed how jealous he was at first that his own daughter could love someone more than she loved him…her father and how over time he got over that jealousy and learned to enjoy the love Miley gave Lilly and Lilly gave Miley. He told Lilly how much he loved her and that he came to view her as his own daughter and lastly he told Lilly that Miley would not want to stay locked in her room. Miley would want her to live and get on with her life. After a while longer of talking Lilly opened the door and Robby stood up and she threw herself in his arms and both cried. Heather, who had been waiting downstairs started crying when she heard Lilly tell her she was hungry and she knew Robby's talk did both Lilly and him a great deal of good.

Lilly went back to school, saw a therapist for a year and soon forgave everyone except herself for Miley's death. She apologized to Gabe and started dating him again.

Gabe smiled, "And I love you, Lilly. So do you want to play Santa Clause and pass out the presents this year?"

Lilly giggled, "Only if I get to wear the Santa hat." She then kissed her husband again. "Umm…maybe when the kids take their nap this afternoon Santa will have a special present for Gabe to unwrap." Lilly teased.

Gabe laughed, "Well then come on, Santa…let's not keep the day waiting. But…umm…still wear the hat?" Lilly nodded and laughed as she kissed her husband again.

"What time do we leave tomorrow?" Lilly asked her husband.

"Plane leaves at three thirty. It'll be good to see Robby and Jackson and the boys and Robby said he was holding off Christmas until we go there. I just hope he does not go over board with the kids presents again this year. He spoils them too much."

Lilly smiled at that. Since Miley's death she basically became Robby's surrogate daughter and she did not begrudge the man that. She always loved him as almost like a father and soon she grew to love him as a father. Robby moved back to Tennessee about a year after Miley's death and Lilly and her family visited him as often as they could, but he never returned back to Malibu. The visit was a mixed emotional ride for Lilly. She loved Robby as a father and Jackson as a brother and even Jackson's two sons called her Aunt Lilly and it was always wonderful to see them. But she also felt the guilt of it. She knew how some of the nights would end.

She would stay up late with Robby and he would fix his famous Loco Hot Coco and the two of them would talk about Miley. They would laugh and then cry at the memories of the girl. But Lilly always felt the guilt when she talked to the man when on occasion he would question Miley's death with a "why". He never really expected an answer and it was just a rhetorical question and for that Lilly was glad. How could she tell the man she loved as a father and who loved her as a daughter that is was her that killed his little girl. That she was the one who murdered his precious child...she couldn't.

Lilly never told him about the journal of course and the only other person who knew about it was Gabe and he never read it or knew what was written and he never questioned it. He respected Lilly and Miley's special bond too much to even ask. Gabe knew whatever secrets it held Lilly would never share them with anyone. That secret was between Miley and his wife.

Lilly and Gabe walked into the den hand and hand and Lilly grinned with joy as she saw her two children's faces looking at the presents under the tree and her thoughts of the guilt and Miley's journal gone for now…but not of Miley or the friendship she cherished…she never forgot that, the wonderful times and love she shared with her true friend Miley Stewart.

End

_**I know….sad ending! Made me cry!!**_


End file.
